If I wrote you a love letter
by x-MJ-x
Summary: What happens when Eddie reads something he was never meant to read? Do happy endings really exist? Set post series 4 - So possible SERIES 5 Spoilers
1. Chapter 1

**Hey so I thought I add my Waterloo Road fic that I have been posting on .com/dsicussion. It's Rachel and Eddie based but may include characters and themes from series 5 - so beware of spoilers...**

**I am known as iheartreddie on there so maybe you might have seen this already, but for those who haven't - here it is and I hope you enjoy it. **

**A:N: Obviously I do not own Waterloo Road, it's characters, themes or story lines... **

**The title of this fic comes from the song of the same title by the very talented Leona Lewis and any subsequent lyrics should be credited to her :) **

**This fic is developed through a series of love letters and Eddie's responses to them so there are quite a few time jumps - I hope you can follow it xxx**

**Reviews make me :)**

1st December 2010.

_ ...and so even though so much time has passed and despite everything that I have told you here, there is only one thing in all of this I know. I will always love you and I don't know what to do. I am glad that I took the time to write all of this down because despite the distance between us I will always feel close to you when I read this. Our love is allowed to continue this way and [i] I know that we can last forever [/i]. I am and always will be your Rachel. _

Rachel allowed her head to relax back against the cool leather of her chair. It was with great relief and sadness that she had reached the final page of the book which had been her constant companion for the past three years. Today was an important day because it marked the end of something _significant _in her life. She couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry but she knew that this whole thing had caused her to be more confused than she had ever been and she didn't know how to proceed.

She absentmindedly flicked the embossed back cover closed. She ran her hand over the gilded swirling pattern and she took comfort in its familiarity. She grasped the tome in her hands and turned it over so that it was the right way up. She sighed deeply knowing that this was the end. This quite ordinary looking journal may have been insignificant to a random stranger, but to her it was her lifeline – her last communication with the man whom her heart just couldn't bare to be without.

_***... I still miss you; I can see you in my dreams... ***_

She closed her eyes, her subconscious roaming the pages of that book – she still remembered it all...

* * *

17th December 2010.

It was snowing, that was odd. At home, snow had come but it had been scarce and so it was odd, yes that was the word that sprung to mind. There was a thick layer of snow covering the ground; approximately six inches of snow if one was going to be _mathematical _about these things. Looking out of the window now, down onto the busy street certainly did wonders for one's perspective on life. It was clear that here they were, all those people who frantically dashed about below him, in a city where the only way one could survive was by having money. Money is power. What a cliché motto. Money couldn't give you power, there were more important things that money as only life could teach you.

There was a knock at the door, a brief distraction from the monotony that was life here. Brief words of entrance were accented before the door was pushed open and the woman who had been responsible for the knock entered. She was wearing a ridiculous outfit for this time of year and it wasn't difficult to tell the reasoning behind said outfit – a micro mini skirt and blouse which aside from the single button which held it, was open. Of course Mindi or 'Manda (whatever her name was) had been warned on several occasions about inappropriate behaviour and sexual harassment proceedings, but still she persisted in her efforts.

She paused a moment, evidently she had the sense to judge the mood of her employer and was sensing that caution may in fact be necessary this evening. After this moment's reflection she obviously felt it was safe to speak again.

"Um Mr Lawson, this came for you." She told him, stepping further into the room and holding out a large package. It was 'odd', he had not been expecting anything.

"Who sent it?" He asked her gruffly.

"Um... well it doesn't say. The post mark is Manchester, Rochdale actually – look." She replied in the tone of a gratified child. She was evidently pleased with herself and he had the urge to say something like "good dog." But he refrained. Hearing the location had done something to him, had rendered him incapable of any rational thought apart from the one thing he knew was in Rochdale.

Waterloo Road.

"Mr Lawson – are you alright sir?" Mindi / 'Manda asked him cautiously, noticing the ghostly shade her boss's complexion had adopted. _'Hardly his most flattering shade' _thought the vain young woman, but she must remain stoically professional, do anything he wanted – if only for the sheer advancement of her own career. Not that her special attentions had gone very far. He would never sleep with her. That was the truth. London had done this to him – had taken away his desire to be around women – or maybe it had been the thing that had happened before which made him unable to accept the offer of fine female company...

He stared at her blankly, trying to remember what she had been saying but failing miserably as that knife dove into his heart again.

"Mr Lawson?" She asked again, perhaps he was having a stroke? What did a stroke call for? Was it the Heimlich manoeuvre? Because if it was, that was the one thing that the idiot paramedic she had dated had failed to demonstrate. Wait wasn't the Heimlich manoeuvre for something else? She didn't know.

"Get out. Give me that and get out!" He raised his voice to her, needing to be on his own.

The young girl hastily handed him the package and retreated out of the office.

"You have a good Christmas alright?" She told him, with the air of authority.

"Get out." Was all the poor girl, _Miranda_ had received by way of glad tidings at Christmas.

* * *

Yes, Eddie Lawson, or Edward as he was now known was officially sir on a permanent basis. Of course, there was not much difference in that manner from his previous employment but so much had changed. Edward no longer lived in Rochdale and Manchester was a long way away. He had upped sticks and moved to London. He had at the fine age of forty six, joined the rat race. He was not proud of this fact but he had needed it, if only for his continued mental stability or at least that was what he imagined a therapist might suggest. Teaching had become too difficult for Eddie after everything that had happened at Waterloo Road and so he had done the thing that was as far from teaching as it was possible to be.

Being a strong mathematician had definitely worked to his advantage during his career move and he had soon been snapped up by J and R financial services inc. Edward had flourished in this employment, or at least outwardly he was the person who was most committed to his work. He had advanced quickly through the various levels of authority within the company and though it had only been just over a year since he had come to London he was now executive managing director of Lawson's Financial Advisory. His business easily rivalled the main competition and he was often complimented upon the small team of advisors he took great care in employing. But most of all clients complimented him on his personal compassionate understanding of their unique situation. Of course Christmas time saw a sixty percent rise in the number of clients who graced the firm with their presence as was to be expected. Edward prided himself on the fact that he neither ran a bank, nor a loans company – the firm was somewhere in between and this comforted him. He would neither be responsible for the sad children's faces on Christmas day because the bank had refused to show compassion nor would he screw people over with gargantuan interest rates which even he on his high income, would struggle to afford. Yes, Edward Lawson's business was high profile but that did not mean that he did not serve the middle classes – for not so long ago he had fallen into that bracket himself. Edward dealt in advice and solutions and that was far better than dealing with endless streams of incorrect Pythagorean analyses or at least that was the sales pitch he sold his mother on her once fortnightly phone calls.

Thinking about Pearl Lawson reminded him of the conversation he had enjoyed with her just this morning. This being a Friday, he had been unperturbed when the intercom had buzzed at precisely ten a.m and Mindi / Manda had announced that his mother was on line one.

* * *

_2 hours ago..._

"Hello mum." He had answered the phone with those two mandatory words as usual.

"Eddie." Pearl had sounded happy, even relieved to hear his voice, apparently his being in London by himself at the tender age of forty six was just too much to handle for his mother's delicate balance.

"I'm fine mum – I promise." He assured her before she even asked.

"Yes love, I'm sure you are – they're not working you too hard are they?" She had asked quizzically as she always did.

"Mum I'm the boss and no I'm not working too hard." He had laughed as he always did.

"Good, that's good." Pearl had sounded reassured.

"You know, your father and I were just talking about all of this, well your decision to move to well... that place and we really can't see why you gave up on teaching. You loved that job Eddie." She had told him in a voice which was neither condescending nor weak – the voice that was undeniably maternal.

"Mum I've told you before – I don't want to talk about this anymore, I just needed a change ok?" Eddie had replied defensively.

"Ok love if that's what you believe." She seemed to admit defeat.

"So how are you and dad?" Eddie had asked breezily desperate for some other topic of conversation.

"Oh you know love, we plod along at our own pace, we're still taking our cod liver oils daily like Maria suggested and your father's taken up Tai Chi!" She had sounded happy about this but only because she found it humorous.

Eddie had laughed heartily, he couldn't imagine his dad doing that sort of thing – a man of traditional value that was the best way to describe Frank Lawson. A man of traditional value did not take up with oriental martial art forms in their sixties.

"How is Mari?" Eddie had asked, noting the slip in of his twin sister's name.

"Oh you know that girl, always with her head in the clouds and what with Ben and Winona to think about..." His mum had trailed off- just what had Maria done this time?

"Well she's carrying on with this new – let's just say 'man friend' and he's hardly appropriate: Tattoos and piercings and everything, hardly a father figure for the little ones. Silly girl." Pearl had expressed distaste.

"Mum she's hardly a girl – we're forty six." Eddie had laughed.

"Yes well, you'll always be little ones to me Eddie love. Anyway, who are you bringing home with you for Christmas darling?" She had asked innocently and there it was the silent killer that sent him back a year.

A picture of_ her_ filled his mind as this question was asked and he had nearly uttered the words he never could. "_Rachel of course, you know – my wife Rachel."_ Even thinking her name was painful.

"No-one mum, you know I'm not with anyone right now." He had said.

"Oh that is a shame. What about that girl? The blonde one – the one who thinks too much of herself – you know Millicent – the pregnant one?" Pearl had probed and he could tell that she was optimistic for the answer he was about to deliver.

"Melissa – We aren't together anymore, it didn't work out." He had said furtively and he couldn't help the smile that came with her practical woop of joy.

"Ah well, you'll find someone – you'll see – a handsome, kind man like you. Women in that place must be mad not to see it." Pearl had again expressed her dissatisfaction at his choice of city and a distinct over protectiveness of her 'little one'.

"It's just me I'm afraid – no-one for you to play twenty questions with mum." He chuckled.

"Ah such is life. So we'll see you on Sunday then?" She had asked, triple confirming his attendance to Christmas 2010. She had recently taken to face-booking , her new favourite thing that made her feel 'up with the young ones' and gone so far as to send him an event invite to Christmas 2010.

"Yep you sure will mum – bye then." Eddie had told her warmly.

"Bye love, we love you." Pearl had told him, because for some reason she seemed to think he was in need of being told this by someone.

"Yeah I know - I love you too mum." He had replied and he really meant it.

* * *

_Now..._

As he stared aimlessly at the large package, the conversation was thrown into stark reality. He didn't have anyone and that was the truth and now it seemed that the one person whom he had wanted to spend eternity with was coming back to haunt him.

He examined it intently, noting the postmarks – undeniable proof of its origin. He noted the small script on the front realising that he didn't recognise it. A new secretary perhaps?

Eventually, curiosity got the better of him and he ripped open the brown paper package and watched as a tiny piece of paper fluttered onto the desk before him.

He unfolded it, taking in what it said. The script meant that it could only be from one person, the person he least expected.

_"I spy with my little eye... something beginning with you."_

_Hello Eddie,_

_Found you on the internet – Lawson's Financial Advisory – get you!_

_Honestly those who wish to hide usually don't advertise themselves on the 'WWW' you know – just for future reference._

_Anyway, it's Christmas and time to exchange gifts so here's mine to you. All I ask in return is that you use this wisely._

_Thought you might want to take a look at this, she'll kill when she finds out I nicked it – so that's all on you!_

_Hope this is useful to you._

_Merry Christmas Eddie – we miss you._

_Love from_

_'S', senior private eye – Waterloo Road (Where you belong!) _

* * *

It was so strange, evidently Steph (for that was who 'S' obviously was) meant for him to have whatever was in the package, something of _hers._

He turned his attention back to the package. Inside he found a 'gift' done up in wrapping paper covered in what looked like drunken penguins. He tore it off carefully, revealing something he recognised instantly.

He pulled the large blue journal out of the wreckage, running his hands over the gilded front.

It was the jotter that never left her side, the one he imagined that held all the important information she needed inside.

Why had Steph sent him this? He pondered simply returning it to sender but decided against it. There was a reason why Stephanie Haydock had reached out to him, had taken the time to track him down and send this to him and he needed to know what that was.

He contemplated the facts for a moment. This was most definitely a breach of privacy and he knew that was wrong, also reading this would break his vow not to think about her or Waterloo Road. But there was a reason for its arrival and everything happened for a reason right.

He ran his hand over the book's front cover again, closing his eyes momentarily.

_ He remembered one time when he had needed to see her urgently and he had burst through the door unannounced. She was bent over the desk, frantically scribbling something in here and had practically jumped out of her skin when he entered. She had shut the book quickly and piled her paper work on top of it. _

He had been curious about its contents ever since and now was his chance to find out what it held...

He drew in one last breath before he made the decision to open the book...

* * *

He lifted the cover slowly placing down on the desk. The pages were creamy with gilded golden edges. The first page was blank aside from the typed word 'Notes'. It struck him that this was rather a nice notebook and would not be traditional for jotting work related notes in. But then she had never been traditional. He turned the page quickly and felt the stab in his heart again as he saw her neat, rolling cursive on the page in front of him. There were only a few words written on this page, names and addresses mainly, but still the reminder of her was painful.

It was then that he noticed the thin fabric bookmark which poked out between a page near to the end of the book. It was possible that someone, probably Steph, had wanted him to read that particular page. Of course, the alternative view was that it had been left there coincidentally by the author. Nonetheless, he resisted the temptation to skip ahead. Instead, he turned the next page with careful determination. That's when it hit him. The lingering scent of her fragrance on the page where her wrist had brushed it. He remembered it so clearly. The warm, comforting scent of C_hanel Allure Sensuelle_. Perhaps it was his imagination but he could definitely smell it on the thick page beneath his fingertips.

The first few pages were as he had expected, information, data and thoughts about the school. He flicked through these slowly, drinking in every curve of her beautiful script.

About twenty pages in, a page was marked with a date that he would never forget.

_19th May 2007._

_First day at Waterloo Road – worse than I expected, not sure that six months will be enough – I'm not a miracle worker after all!_

_Initial staff appraisals – comments –_

_Eddie Lawson: Nose out of joint, dinosaur, impossibly prehistoric – not a team player. Difficult to work with! Questionable allegiances. Dull as ditch water!_

_Grantly Budgen: Drunkard, gambler – waste of space – monitor until further notice._

_Stephanie Haydock: Gossiper, slacker – walking a dangerous line. DO NOT TRUST!_

_Tom Clarkson: Hard worker – possible promotion? Family in school – dangerous? Questionable professionalism?_

_Davina Shackleton: Promising TA, v. Good with Karla – ambitious, far reaching? GTTR candidate?_

* * *

Eddie had chuckled his way through her observations which continued for about ten further pages. It seemed that she had scoped out her school pretty quickly and had worked out her allies and enemies fairly quickly. He remembered that first day so clearly, the way Rhea Cheetham had just launched her upon him without warning. Of course he had been uptight about her appointment particularly as he had thought he had the headship in the bag. But he wouldn't change a single second of it, he was so glad she had come...

He turned the final page of her humorous but accurate observations and waited on bated breath for what would come next. Whatever he had been expecting, he was shocked beyond measure at what he found:

_ 1st June 2007._

_Dear Eddie... _

He drew in his breath as he began to read...


	2. Chapter 2

**Hope you liked the first chapter :S Here's the next partxx**

1st June 2007.

_Dear Eddie..._

_What am I even doing? I'm not even sure what has possessed me to write this. I should be filing my report for Rhea, but I can't think straight. My mind is buzzing and I can't stop thinking about... you. Why is that? It's so clear that we are total opposites and you don't even like me, but still I find my mind wandering to you every time that I'm on my own and if I don't write my feelings down, my head is likely to explode. I not sure what this is. I've tried to tell myself that it's just a diary entry, but that's not true. That's not what this is. This is a love letter. I know that and it makes me feel stupid, a grown woman should not be writing love letters when she should be working. I shouldn't be writing these things about a man I barely know, but you won't ever get the chance to read this so what's the harm?_

_I think I've been in love with you since we met. It was something about the way you were so defensive. This school obviously means alot to you and I admire men who have passion. I know it's probably difficult to believe that I like you, particularly after our frosty start but I do – you can trust me on that._

_I don't think I realised that I'm in love with you right away, but there is definitely an undeniable attraction between us. I like the way that you're always on my case, checking up on me, making sure I'm doing things right. At first, I thought it was because you wanted to find my faults and take them straight to the LEA, but I think we both know that you're checking up on me because you want me to do well. You can deny it, but I can see it in your eyes. You see I have always been good at reading people and got a feeling about you almost immediately – you have feelings for me – that much I know._

_That's the reason why I've been so prickly with you. That's the reason why I try to avoid being alone with you, because I fear the fact that the feelings I have for you might be reciprocated and that scares the Hell out of me. What if something happened between us, something unprofessional? I wouldn't be able to work here anymore and I know that Waterloo Road is the place where I belong._

_I've never been in love before. You might laugh at that and you'll probably ask how I know that I'm in love with you. Believe me, that's a question I've asked myself several times. The answer is simple really. I've never felt anything like this before and that's how I know that it is love. It happens in the most random moments – the realisation that I want more than a professional relationship with you, more even than a basic friendship with you._

_It has happened several times in the crowded staff room at briefing. There's noise and commotion but it's like I can't hear anything but the thump of my own heartbeat. Do you remember last Tuesday? I wonder if you do – I had just finished the last message and you made some sarcastic comment about the under achievers. I was so angry with you, but when our eyes met across the room I knew that you were challenging me to continue the argument and I immediately loved for that. It's so good to find someone who is on the same level as me – who understands the way my mind works and can provide that kind of stimulation in a fleeting glance. My heartbeat quickened and I hated that I could feel a blush creeping up my neck and onto my face. Did you know what you did to me that day? Probably. You probably already know the way you make me feel, you're probably annoyingly aware of the fact that my heart races when we are together._

_How about the time you insisted on that ridiculous camping trip? I knew it was going to do wrong but you wouldn't listen because you wanted to prove that you knew the kids better than I did. It back fired didn't it Eddie? You can back with wounded pride and it felt so good to be right! We shared a drink – Do you remember? You must it was only a few months ago. I thought it would be harmless, just a drink between colleagues but I was wrong. Being that close to you with the alcohol flowing freely was dangerous. There were several moments of silence during which time the tension between us was so high I wanted to run a million miles. That's something you should know about me – I have commitment issues, I am far from an open soul when it comes to matters of the heart. I am private and shy and am I whole heartedly unable to admit these feelings in person. That's why I am writing them down in here, in a place where you will never know them. This way, if I die alone, I will have proof that I loved someone once._

_There are times when I think you feel it too. There are rare occasions when I think it's in your eyes, a certain look that only a person in love is capable of. Is it possible that after only a few short weeks of knowing each other we have both fallen inexorably in love with each other? Is there really such a thing as love at first sight? These are all things that I cannot answer. For now at least, I have to deal with the knowledge that behind all the banter there is definitely something more between us._

_Of course, I can never act upon my feelings for you because that's just not something that I do. I'm glad that we have resolved our differences for now and maybe now that we are a team our working relationship will improve. I don't know if this will ever be enough but I know that it has to be, there is only this. That doesn't stop me from hoping though._

_I am not a good person Eddie. I have a past – the kind that is bad. There are things about me that nobody here knows and trust me it is better that way. I don't like lying to you. My heart is torn; I don't want to lie to you – I crave honesty but if I told you, you would hate me and I don't think I could live with that._

_So for now can we just leave this love letter as it is meant to be? I know that I love you._

_Rachel. _

* * *

It didn't make sense to him. This letter was muddled and confused and he couldn't make sense of it. Was it really possible that she had loved him from the first day that had met? If she had, she had done a good job of hiding it, but then so had he. For him, it had been love at first sight. He had seen her and although he had despised the fact that she had taken his job, she had been the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. With her long auburn hair and her wide smile, her relaxed and confident manner and her passion for the school.

Of course, he had been in love with her. For him, it had been impossible not to be. She was everything that he wanted and everything he could never have. As he thought about the contents of the 'love letter' which hardly seemed to be a love letter at all, he realised that everything he had felt in those first few weeks had been shared by her. The magnetic energy between them, the way he got lost in her beautiful caramel eyes, the way that tension pulsed through his body every time they were close. These were all things she described in her letter. When he really considered the examples she had given, he realised what a fool he had been. She had sent him signals since the very beginning and he had still missed them. If he had been more perceptive they could have been together for three years and that realisation almost killed him. What an idiot he had been. She had even tried to tell him about her past, but he conceded that she had written it down. How was he supposed to know if she had kept it locked away from him? Why hadn't she been able to just tell him what she was feeling? That was easy. This was Rachel he was thinking about. Rachel who had always been so shy about her feelings.

At least now he understood why Steph had sent him this book. She obviously wanted to show him that Rachel had loved him for longer than he had thought. What he didn't understand was how that could help him now. Their relationship had died and there was no going back. How did a three year old letter help him now?

The contemplation of the answer to this question caused him to wonder what else was inside the journal. Perhaps there was something else that Steph had wanted him to read. He turned over the page and was faced with the same two words as before.

_ Dear Eddie..._

A rush of excitement coursed through his veins. There was another letter. Curiosity soon got the better of him and he flicked casually through the rest of the book. It was then that the realisation of this journal's importance hit him. Steph hadn't sent it to him so that he could read just one letter – she had sent it so that he could read her letters from the past three years.

Eddie turned back to the second letter in the book and began to read...


	3. Chapter 3

_ 2nd December 2010._

_It was nearing the end of yet another interesting term at Waterloo Road. Despite her better judgement, the 'private eye' had somehow managed to cling on to her job. If truth be told she never ceased to be amazed when her contract was left rolling from year to year and term to term. She didn't actually know how she managed to do it, but she always did. Of course, it was more of a struggle now than in the days of Mr Rimmer. Oh how she missed Jack. In those days all it took was an extra flutter of her eyelashes or a cheeky smile, she had even charmed him out of his doubts about her by getting him into bed. Back then, this had all been in a day's work but now that didn't work so well. Not least because the Headteacher was a woman. Admittedly, Steph had even tried making Jo Lipsett the target of her feminine charms for a while – but she knew that this would never work on Rachel._

_That's why it made absolutely no sense when she had been called into the office and congratulated on receiving another term's contract. Steph had exhaled a deep sigh of relief at this, because as much as she complained about the job – it was all she had and deep down she loved it. Plus it was the place that reminded her of Maxine, the one place where Maxine would always live on. She simply couldn't believe that she had avoided the chopping block again. She guessed that she might in fact have to suck up to Jo for weeks after this, because she knew that only she could have persuaded Rachel (who was always watching Steph like a hawk) to keep her on. She knew that she had experienced a turbulent term and she was just grateful that she had been shown mercy._

_She was currently sitting in the staff room sipping a cup of coffee – her third in fact – and reading 'Hello magazine'. It was her PPA period, the time when she was non contact for 'planning preparation time'. So, in true Steph fashion she was totally abusing the privilege as usual. Who needed to spend an hour on planning when you could simply download pro-formas from the internet?_

_So it was only natural that when Rachel walked through the door, Steph practically jumped out of her skin. Usually, the Headteacher would have noticed this immediately, but if she did – she chose to ignore it. Nevertheless, Rachel's entrance caused Steph to hastily throw her magazine behind the cushion on her chair._

_"Hi Rachel." Steph said breezily as she sat down on a chair opposite her._

_"Oh, hello Steph." Rachel replied absently, in fact it seemed as if she had barely noticed the other woman at all._

_"Coffee?" Steph asked her, getting up and crossing to the kitchenette._

_"Sure. Thanks." Rachel replied simply._

_Steph busied herself with the fancy machine Ruby had installed and poured the liquid into a mug. She was extremely glad that she had not been caught out in yet another misdemeanour._

_"There you go." Steph said, handing Rachel the mug and seemingly pulling her from her reverie._

_She sat in silence for a moment as she appraised the other woman. Her exterior mask was the same as ever – smart perfectly pressed suit, neat hair – calm face. But there was something in her eyes, something haunted – tortured even._

_"Rachel I don't mean to pry but is everything alright?" Steph asked in her best concerned voice._

_Rachel laughed a little. "Steph, don't try the concerned thing – it's not your style. What you really want is some gossip right?" She replied bitterly._

_"I was only asking." Steph shot back testily. That was the problem with people in this place, they knew her too well and they thought she was incapable of being concerned without exploiting the information she received._

_"Hmm yes well, I'm fine." Rachel told her frankly not quite believing her._

_"Mmm looks like it." Steph said knowingly as Rachel ran a hand over her face._

_"Look Steph everything's fine ok? I don't need your concern." She told her angrily._

_"Fine." Steph replied._

_"So everything ready for the party?" Steph asked her._

_"Yep." Was the only reply Rachel gave._

_"Excellent." Steph replied with equal zeal._

_"Mm hm. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and do a lesson observation on year eight English." Rachel told her frankly, not wishing to engage in the semantics of Steph's rather prying questions today._

_"You have fun with that won't you?" Steph smiled sickeningly, glad that she was not in the position of Rachel right now._

_"Oh don't worry I intend to." She replied calmly._

_Steph answered with only another sickening smile._

_Rachel got up, placed her coffee cup in the dishwasher and made for the door. Just before she left she turned back to Steph._

_"Oh and Steph?" Rachel started pausing for effect._

_"Yes?" Steph asked her feigning innocence unsuccessfully._

_"Last time I checked 'Hello' wasn't a curriculum resource for Modern Foreign Languages." She told her knowingly._

_Steph looked like she had been slapped for a moment, before regaining composure._

_"Oh I don't know about that Miss Mason – did you not read about that new French health resort all the stars are jetting off too. Very popular with the A list you know. What was it called? Le – something or other..." Steph replied coolly._

_"Le made up perhaps Steph?" Rachel jibed, the woman certainly had a knack for spinning a story._

_"Mmm that was it – so you've been then you lucky thing. I was thinking of taking the kids there you know as a trip." Steph played along a little knowing she was for it._

_"Hmm well perhaps it would be a better idea to um – oh I don't know, teach them some French – you know verbs, place names, general etiquette. The sort of thing on the programme Jo devised." Rachel replied in a serious tone, which left no room for humour at all._

_"Erm yes the programme..." If there was a programme, this was the first Steph had heard of it._

_"Yes the one that you apparently had huge amounts of input in Steph, the one that lives in the cabinet marked 'MFL' - the one over there." Rachel said making a mental note to pull Jo up on her obvious exaggeration concerning Steph's role in the department._

_"Get some work done yeah?" She said resignedly, knowing the minute she left the room Steph would go back to her French health resort. Either that or she would throw sharp things at the picture of Rachel she probably had hanging in her store cupboard._

_"Of course." Steph said breezily, she had a sinking feeling that Jo was going to kill her later._

_A while later..._

_Something wasn't right – that much was clear. It was bothering Steph all the way through her marathon 'Hello' session and meant that she totally missed the article about Julia Roberts' new nose. It was disconcerting to have the Headteacher so distracted. Usually Rachel would never let her personal life encroach on her professional responsibilities, but for the briefest of moments as she entered the staff room, there had been a genuine display of emotion. Of course she had then rumbled Steph on her less than productive activity, but Steph was a seasoned professional at spotting people's weaknesses and she had done just that. She had found the chink in the well formed armour, the crack in the fake perma- smile. Yes, it was clear that Rachel was not as happy as she seemed. The question that burned in Steph's mind was why?_

_Soon curiosity got the better of her and Stephanie Haydock private eye began teasing at her mind. Rachel was doing a lesson observation and she would be gone for at least an hour so that would give Steph plenty of time to undertake some sleuthing. It was with this thought in mind that she abandoned her magazine and headed towards the office..._

_She ran as fast as her ridiculously high wedges would allow. She took the stairs two at a time almost barrelling into Chris on her way._

_"Whoa!" He cried out as she sped past him._

_She waved an apology shouting "She's going to kill me!" over her shoulder by way of explanation._

_"What've you done this time?" Chris asked but he soon realised he was speaking to himself – Steph had sped off in the direction of the office. He thought it was odd that Steph should be in such a hurry to reach Rachel's office seeing as though she was currently undertaking subject observations and wouldn't finish until tomorrow. He thought about going after Steph, just to check up on her but decided against it – he had a science class to get to._

_Steph was out of breath, it was not just the running but also the panic at almost being caught that had her breathing erratically. She opened the door and stepped into the office, making some excuse to the new secretary about collecting a report. Once she was safely behind the closed door, she let out a sigh of relief._

_It was when she thought about the reasons why she had come here that she realised that she simply hadn't thought it through. It was clear that Rachel was desperately unhappy but it was unlikely that she was going to leave evidence as to the reason why in her office. In hindsight, it seemed as though this sprint had been entirely pointless. She slumped down in Rachel's chair, getting a rush of excitement as she realised how empowering it was to sit there._

_Steph had never been particularly fond of Rachel, in fact she had told her to her face not so long ago that she thought she was a stuck up, prissy – cold hearted cow; but that did not mean that she wasn't concerned about her. Rachel had become a lot more approachable after Max's departure and seemed as though she valued socialising with the staff more than she had done before. Seeing the social side of Rachel had shown Steph that there was someone deeper than the powerhouse woman she had been faced with for the last three years. This was the someone that only one other person had known. The one person who had broken her heart..._

_Eddie..._

_Of course._

_He was the reason why she was still moping after all this time. Something must have happened. Something that would have reminded Rachel of him. She knew it couldn't possibly be that she was thinking of the day he had left her – that had happened in the summer – but it must have been something. Steph scanned the room. There was nothing personal here, nothing which evoked a sense of the person who occupied this office. Just a basic office. Desk, chair, laptop filing cabinets – the usual. Nothing that told anyone anything about Rachel and Steph guessed that this was done very deliberately._

_She looked down at the desk, noticing the staff appraisals – she had a feeling that hers might be added to later today. Something caught her eye amongst all the official papers. Something that looked out of place. A blue edged journal, open at a creamy page lay on the desk in front of her – crying out for her attention._

_She paused a moment, this quite possibly constituted a breach of privacy, but then it had been left open... She took a breath and peered down at the writing._

_...and so even though so much time has passed and despite everything that I have told you here, there is only one thing in all of this I know. I will always love you and I don't know what to do. I am glad that I took the time to write all of this down because despite the distance between us I will always feel close to you when I read this. Our love is allowed to continue this way and I know that we can last forever . I am and always will be your Rachel._

_It was so sad that Steph felt a tear threatening. There was no need to check who this letter was meant for – that much was clear. It was so obvious that Rachel was still hopelessly in love with Eddie and it seemed she always would be. Steph quickly flicked through the rest of the book. There were hundreds of these letters. All of them had different tones, ranging from happy to sad to desperate and it struck Steph that these were love letters. Letters spanning three years... Eddie needed to see these, it was only fair. There were for him after all and it didn't seem right not to give them to him, she just hoped that in doing so she could help them both come to terms with their situation and make the best of it..._

_If only she knew where Eddie was..._

_She flicked open Rachel's laptop and fired up the internet. It was worth a try wasn't it? It was a long shot, but if she didn't try – she would never know and Rachel might be unhappy for the rest of her life. It was for the greater good. That's what Steph kept telling herself as she typed in the web address for the search engine. It was all for Rachel, not all for the gratification of doing something good – it was all for Rachel. These words circled in her thoughts repeated as she typed in the two words._

_Edward Lawson._

_She didn't know what she expected, in fact she doubted that she would find anything at all. Perhaps however, his new school would be into posting staff profiles on their website? The search brought up four results, three of them for the Waterloo Road school forum. Steph had to giggle when she read the first one:_

_' Mason and LAWSON man innit'_

_And the next:_

_'...saw LAWSON totally snogging Mason's face off man.'_

_Of course, now that Steph thought on it, she couldn't seen any 'physical evidence' of an intimate relationship between the two senior managers but there had definitely been hints and Steph had often played off those._

_The third result surprised Steph and she actually did a double take. She clicked on the hyper linked title and was shocked to find a picture of Eddie staring right back at her. She read the header on the page:_

_Secret Santa Clause?_

_EDWARD LAWSON 46, Executive Managing Director of Lawson's Financial Advisory is tipped to be this year's secret Santa. With his kind team of financial advisors and his practical, sensible advice concerning every Joe Bloggs' finances it seems as though we may all be in for a very merry Christmas._

_Mr Lawson said of his business: "The key is to be calm, collected and practical about your finances. Of course, we all want to be able to buy that new toy for our little ones and I sympathise with that but my philosophy is simple – if you haven't got it don't spend it. That way you'll be just fine."_

_If this advice is anything to go by then it is clear that a visit to Mr Lawson's advisory may be just the thing that we all need during this difficult economic period. You can find his firm in Central London._

_Steph couldn't quite believe it. Eddie Lawson - a financial advisor? In London? It just didn't make sense. She knew for one thing that Eddie adored teaching and he hated London. He had always complained about it. But it seemed by all accounts that it was true. His picture was firmly in place above the story and it seemed in this case even though the jury may be out – the evidence was most certainly concrete. At least now she knew where he worked, that was a start. She reopened the search engine and typed in the name of Eddie's firm, she was sure she would find it – Every reputable firm had a website these days. She was not wrong. There it was clear as day._

_She browsed the home page briefly before she clicked on the 'Contact Us' hyperlink and was rewarded with the address she needed..._

_She wasn't really thinking this through and it could seriously back fire on her, but these were two people in love and this needed to be sorted once and for all and then maybe everyone could step out from the shadow of Eddie's departure..._

_It was with this rare 'selflessness' that Steph closed up the journal containing a love affair and slipped inside one of the padded packets from Rachel's desk, before she sealed it, she slipped in note explaining how she had found him and why she had contacted him. She just hoped to God that he had not moved on..._

_She took the packet and the slip of paper with the scribbled address and handed it to Mia, the new receptionist._

_"Can you send this to that address please? It's urgent." Steph asked her politely._

_"Sure – is this the report you needed?" Mia asked her; curious as to why Steph had been in the office for almost an hour._

_"Um yes, it needs to go this address immediately." Steph told her – God she was losing her touch, getting caught too often._

_"Ok." The receptionist replied disapprovingly. But she had been given a request and she would do as instructed._

_"Great." Steph said, suddenly remembering that she had left the website open on Rachel's laptop. She casually slipped back inside and closed it down before hurrying off for her next class in the language lab_.

So that was why a few days later, Eddie Lawson sat in his London office, clinging to the letters of the only woman he would ever love...


	4. Chapter 4

_16th June 2007..._

_Dear Eddie,_

_You know._

_You know now what am I and what I was. I feel cold. The iciness of regret fills me and I don't think I will ever feel warm again. I don't know what I expected. Someone like me cannot hide away forever. There's that saying isn't there – you can't run away from your past. Well that's exactly what I tried to do and look what it's done now._

_We've been getting on better you and me. I don't know if it's that drink we had a few weeks ago, but I understand you now. Maybe it's something to do with what you told me about your family or meeting Michael. I'm not sure that it was one single thing; it was more a case of seeing you clearly for the first time and knowing that there is more to you than meets the eye. It doesn't matter now because I've ruined it all. Our friendship has come to a halt and it's all my fault. I wish now that I had told you the truth. After all, that's what friends do. They tell each other the truth and they trust each other. I don't know why I couldn't trust you but I really wish I had. Maybe then this wouldn't be happening. You wouldn't be looking at me with disgust as you think about me with all those nameless, faceless men. You have to understand something though Eddie, no matter how badly you think of me – there is no-one who feels more disgusted that I do. I can't even look in the mirror without seeing the person I used to be and I hate myself. I wonder if you know how it feels to wake up every morning and detest the face you see reflected in the mirror. My face is a mask. I hide behind it because beneath the smiles and professional civilities, I have no idea who Rachel Mason is. I feel like I'm playing a character everyday. It's like I understand the role I must fulfil, but I have no idea how to add substance to the character, to make her come alive. I'm still learning, still trying to figure out how to become more than the actress I must be. I want Rachel Mason to be a real person Eddie you have to believe that, but everything I've told you up to now has been a lie. Rachel didn't come from a privileged background and she didn't have a charmed life because as you know, Rachel did not always exist..._

_You think that this is easy. I have told you the reason why I have been on edge recently. You know all about Stuart Hordley and his black mailing, you understand now why I was so stressed about that LEA meeting. You think that the solution is simple. You think I should contact the LEA and tell them all about me – who I was and all the things I have kept hidden. You think it will be easy to tell them that as the Headteacher of this school I have been blackmailed by someone who knew me when I wasn't who I am now. You think that telling the truth will make everything better, but that is simply naive. I know I'm not being fair about this, I know I might seem hostile but you could never understand. I wish you would give me the opportunity to help you try but you won't and now I'm going to lose you forever. I have realised this but I can't accept it. I don't know how I'll cope without you – I need you on my team._

_If there was anything I could say, or anything I could do to make you stay I would do it. I would get down on my knees and beg you if I thought for even a second that it would help, but I know that you are the kind of man who keeps to his decisions. You are an honest man and I don't deserve the respect of someone like you, but I know that letting you go will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do..._

_If I explained my story would that help? I don't think it will, but maybe you should know anyway. Maybe that's the best thing at least then I have been honest with you if only on paper..._

_I was seventeen Eddie when it started. Do you remember what you were doing when you were seventeen? I bet that I can guess. You were probably a high flyer at sixth form or at college, in the final throws of your A -level study. I bet I can guess your final three A levels – maths, further maths and physics. Does that sound about right? I bet you were in the middle of attending university fairs and open days, trying to make the decision about which institution offered the best degree. You probably had a girlfriend and lots of friends – you strike as that kind of person -Sociable, approachable and popular. Is it fair to say that your biggest worry would have been studying for the next exam or deciding which party to go to next? That's not a bad thing Eddie, in fact that sounds like the life that every seventeen year old should have. But my life was very different Eddie. In fact it couldn't have been more different._

_My parents died when I was sixteen. I know that this might sound like a sob story but believe me, it isn't. In fact, I know that this might seem a little harsh, but I felt no sadness at their death. I had always had a rough childhood. I was never good enough for them. Never smart enough (despite an impressive grade average in secondary school), never committed enough and never pretty enough. I was far from the perfect daughter in their eyes and that was my sister's role in our family. Little Melissa with her perfect blonde ringlets and straight white smile – perfect Melissa who always did well at school, little Melissa who got everything she wanted just because. It is fair to say that I have always resented Melissa and that's why no-one knows she exists. I haven't seen her for years – my own sister and I don't even know where she is. It's better that way. I want to leave my old life behind me._

_With no other family and the determination to stay with Melissa, I became a single parent to eleven year old Mel. It wasn't easy and although I got benefits it was never enough to keep Melissa in the way she had always known. She was spoilt and selfish and any spare money I had went to her. Of course, we couldn't stay in my parent's large house, there was just no way that the money I received would pay the mortgage and at sixteen I was too young to be dealing with that kind of pressure. So we moved into a tiny flat in a less than perfect area of Manchester and that is where we stayed._

_When I finished studying I tried to continue on into A – levels, but it was difficult. That's not to say that I was a girl who didn't show up – it was just more difficult for me, that's all. I was proud to say that my education was still important to me in amongst the chaos of Melissa's life, but as the months passed my home commitments became too much and I wasn't able to see my friends anymore. I was struggling to keep on top of the rent demands and I knew that if I didn't do something, Melissa would be put into care and I would end up in God's knew where._

_You probably know what's coming next Eddie, you've probably heard it too many times on the news, but that's what happens to girls like me – Girls who have bills to pay or addictions to feed. I didn't know what else to do. There was no-one I could turn to and no-one who understood. I had just turned seventeen and I didn't have a clue about how the world worked. I didn't know that people would treat me so badly and I was grateful for the 'help' that Ben my 'pimp' gave me. Ben was my landlord and as I soon came to realise a pretty 'prestigious' man in the business. Everyone respected him and anyone who messed with him had to expect everything they got._

_I met Ben in his 'business' capacity through a friend. I knew she had been working for someone for a while and I told her I wanted to meet the person who set her up with people. Of course at the time I was struck by the new clothes and the fancy jewellery she sported and I looked past the pained expression on her face when I said I wanted to be like her. She was a close friend so she knew exactly why I needed the money and naturally she set up an 'appointment' with Ben._

_She told me Ben liked his girls to look well polished, high end even so I spent all evening getting ready. At this point I still had no idea that I had already met Ben or that he had been observing me and assessing my ability to be one of his girls for months. Of course, when I got there Ben explained all of this to me._

_"You're a good girl Amanda; you always pay your rent on time. You have a nice body too." He had said (I can still hear it now) my seventeen year old self had been flattered. Ben was an attractive older man and he thought I was good looking._

_He said he would like me to be one of his girls, but I would have to pass a trial before he could let me work. When I asked my friend if she had experienced a similar trial she gave me a funny look and I should have taken that as fair warning, but I didn't I smiled thinking that maybe I was just his 'special' girl. That was foolish, teenage and just so naive._

_So I went along to the 'trial' and let's just say I passed. That's how I became the busiest girl who worked for Ben. That's why when the police finally discovered the extent of his business and raided the property that night I was there. That's why I was arrested. Of course, I was nothing important, it turned Ben had far more 'special girl's' than my naivety would allow me to believe. They were special girls, girls who were drugs mules and the like -So little Amanda who was a sex worker was not very important when it came down to it._

_The deal was that in order to walk free, I had to tell the police everything I knew about Ben and his business. I was slightly reluctant as you can imagine but I wanted a clean slate away from all the bad things I had seen and done so that's exactly what I did. I told them everything and they rewarded me with a shiny new name and put me on the list for re-housing and that was how Rachel Mason was born._

_I knew nothing about this new woman I had become. I didn't know her interests, her personality and there wasn't anything I could tell people. Although that was quite frightening, it intrigued me. I could make Rachel into any person I wanted her to be. Who else can say that they got to live twice the way I did?_

_So I embraced the second chance I was given and I went to college in London to get my A –Levels. From there I got on a teacher training course and became a history teacher as you know. Within five years I was on the fast track headship and here I am now._

_So you see Eddie, the truth however honest it may be, is not always the best thing. Do you really think the LEA would let me continue here if I told them what I told you? Of course they wouldn't they'd tell me to quit before they fired me and I would not be able to argue because that would be exactly what I would want to do. I couldn't stay here with everyone knowing and that's why I can't tell anyone, I can't even tell the real you the truth and that hurts but that's what's best. I want to stay here as long as possible and I believe that I really can help people. I can help girls who might turn out like me if they are not supported. I would like to think that you understand this, that you understand me, though I fear that I am too late to stop you from going - but I can try._

_Eddie I understand if you can't forgive me for lying to you, for being what I was but believe me I am sorry._

_Rachel. _Eddie finished the letter and drew back a little. The contents of it shocked him. He remembered the way he had treated her in those weeks. He had been awful, said some unforgivable things and all the time she had been harbouring a letter which explained it all. If only she had been brave enough to tell him from the beginning, he knew he wouldn't have been so hard on her. He knew that really wasn't an excuse. He had behaved appallingly and that was inexcusable. If he had given her the opportunity to explain then maybe things would have worked out differently. When he really thought about it, he knew that his reaction had been fuelled by jealousy rather than anger. He had placed her on a pedestal – his perfect woman and she had, without even knowing it, tarnished this image in his head. Had desperately wanted something more with her from the very moment he had met her and she had gone against his principles and left him floundering around aimlessly.

* * *

He just thanked God that she had been gracious enough to try to persuade him to stay. Of course, he had tried to resist her efforts, but the truth was he loved Waterloo Road and for his sins he had loved her too and it was this that drove him to stay and live in hope that she would see him as he saw her. If only he had seen these letters then. He would have known that she felt the same way about him and he could have done something about it.

He felt terrible that he had ended up with Melissa. He ha only done it to make her jealous and to fill the void in his life where she should have been but he know now that he had hurt her far more than she had ever let on by going out with Melissa. It would have been like confirming that she was second rate. Not good enough for him, less desirable than her sister – he realised now why she had changed towards him, why she looked at him with sorrow and disappointed when once she had looked at him with hope and laughter. He had been responsible for extinguishing her light. He was just grateful that she had given him the chance to give it back again. He was grateful to Rachel for so many things and now he had lost her. At least for the moment had a tiny piece of her, at least he could still hear her musical voice (if only in his head) and feel her presence after all this time. For once in his life Eddie felt a lot of love for Stephanie Haydock and her meddling ways...


	5. Chapter 5

**Remember what I said about time jumps? This is where it gets a little confusing... :S**

22nd August 2007 – Rochdale.

Forty eight hours. That was the exact amount of time that Rachel Mason had known that she was not dead. Forty eight hours she had been in the land of the living, had been technically conscious and yet she felt a million miles away. All she knew for certain was that nothing was ever going to be the same. There was a severe fog over her mind at present and Rachel was growing increasingly impatient for it to lift. She had woken up from what she had been told had been a three and a half week coma and she had never been so afraid in the whole of her life. She was aware that the only reason that she had woken up was because she had been desperate to get out of her own head. In those half wakeful moments before she had regained full consciousness, she had been having terrifying and humiliating dreams. She could not quite remember the content but she knew she had been begging someone to forgive her, to let her explain. At first, as the doctors and nurses had fussed around her she had not dared to contemplate the identity of said person or people but now that she was at home she had no choice but to think of it. Every time her mind tried to focus on something else, something inside of her dragged her back to the one person she couldn't bear to think about. _Eddie..._

She had been home for one day and even this was against the advice of the medical professionals but Rachel was strong willed and she hadn't listened when they had told her that she had a long road to recovery and as for skin grafts, well Rachel could not even begin to express her protests. She had been confused when she had woken and had not known the reason why she was in the hospital or why her chest felt tight. She had not remembered any of the reasons why she had been in a coma for almost a month and she had at first not wanted to know.

Of course she knew now. It all came flooding back to her every time she closed her eyes and try as she might she could not escape it. Sometimes it was only colours which flooded her mind – Orange, red, grey and eventually black. The blackness was the most foreboding because she could see past it. Other times she heard jeers and laughter and the cruel voice of someone she could not quite see. It would have been easy for Rachel to deny knowledge of Stuart Hordley's existence and for a little while that day that is exactly what she had done.

As always ignorance had only been a temporary bliss and Rachel had been forced to face the terrible events of the last day of term. She had been surrounded by it – on the local news, in the paper and from the police who had come to talk to her about an hour ago. She had been frightened at first because she remembered her previous experiences with them but they soon made it clear that they were liaison officers sent to check up on the victims of tragic crimes or major incidents. She had insisted that she was fine and that they could go but they had stayed with her a little longer, evidently Rachel was not as good of a liar as she thought she was. Whilst they were there Rachel had made the monumental mistake of asking about Stuart.

"Mr Hordley did not survive the injuries he sustained as a consequence of the fire Miss Mason." The female officer had told her and from that point on Rachel had not heard anything else. This was her fault. A man was dead because she had not been able to get him out in time because she had been a weak woman and now Hordley would never leave her memory.

Rachel had hated the man and he had probably ruined her career but never would she wish death on even her greatest enemy. She would never get over this and her world had been ripped apart by this fire and she doubted it would ever heal. There was only one person she wanted to talk to about all of this, only one person who might just understand her, might just be able to offer her some comfort and as yet he had not called and she had never been aware of any visitors in the hospital.

She had picked up the phone several times and had even gotten so far as dialling the first five digits but then something always stopped her and she hung up. What if he felt the same way as everyone else? What if now everyone knew about her he agreed with the general consensus that she should go before she was pushed? Yes she was definitely all alone now and she had nowhere to turn.

Rachel settled back onto her sofa. She is quite a bit of pain and she knew that she would have been better off staying the hospital until such time as the pain subsided but she decided that it was nothing that good old painkillers and a glass of red wine or four wouldn't cure. She closed her eyes and tried not to succumb to the nightmares she knew would come. She was a prisoner in her own mind and there was nothing that she could do about that.

That's when a clear picture came into her mind. There _was _someone she could talk to and it would be just like talking to the one man she thought she had lost. She could write him a letter as she had been doing for several months now. As Rachel picked up the blue journal which held all her secrets, she was glad of one thing – that she had not taken it to work that day. She opened it to a clean page and wrote the date.

_Dear Eddie,_ she wrote and once she started she just couldn't stop all of her feelings from pouring out...


	6. Chapter 6

Hey ladies, thank you for commenting on the last part – sorry it was so short. Here comes part six for you.

22nd August 2007. – Rochdale.

She picked her pen and once she had written his name she couldn't stop her feelings from pouring out.

_Dear Eddie..._

_They told me I'm lucky to be alive. Am I? Do I deserve to be alive? I'm just not sure anymore. What does the word alive mean? I just can't decide. Surely being alive and living is constituted more than by the simple act of breathing? I just can't agree with using the word 'lucky' in this situation. What happens when the person just doesn't have the will to live? I am so alone. I don't know how to deal with all of this by myself. I feel empty – I feel as if I a spectral wisp blowing amongst all those people who have so much to live for. I feel like I have lost the essence of me and we both know I hardly knew who that was in the first place._

_I would describe myself as the ghost of the ghost who was Rachel Mason and now everyone knows how fragile her existence has always been. I feel like I am walking around in a shell which no other purpose than to represent the existence I am supposed to embody. I have wondered so many times since I woke up when I am going to return to myself and I don't think I ever will – that is a truth I must face up to. Does it make a despicable person in your eyes if I tell you that I have considered the possibility that this world would have been better off had I never regained consciousness?_

_The police came here today. I am in no trouble though they delivered the news that Stuart is dead. That's my fault. It is all I can think about in the moments when there is nothing but silence. A little voice in my head is screaming at me 'This is all your fault, you didn't do enough to help him you murdering cow'. You'll probably think that I'm just being ridiculous and I know that the Eddie who was my friend would tell that I was being irrational. You'd tell me that it wasn't my fault that I wasn't responsible for Stuart's death, that I'm not a murderer and I'd be grateful to hear it, if only I could believe you._

_I know that the real you, the one who has probably been just as affected by this fire as me, will probably be thinking that I should have died. You'll probably be heading up the campaign to have me removed. You probably agree with those who say I should leave quietly and perhaps that is the only solution to this mess. I have caused so much pain already and now when someone looks at me I know what they'll say and what they'll see. 'There goes that whore who burnt down the school'. They will see only the bad things and they'll be right to. I don't deserve the benefit of the doubt; I deserve to be punished for lying. But I hope that somewhere in your heart, you'll believe me when I say I'm sorry and that I really had the best intentions and the interests of the children were always in my mind and I will carry them in my heart forever._

_I know that this probably the last letter I will write to you and that is so sad. It feels wrong to be writing my farewells before we even got a chance to get to know each other. You might think you know everything you needed to know about me and you've probably decided that I'm not a person you could ever contemplate loving. That's ok but there's more to me than meets the eye. I know that there is even if I can't quite tell what that is. I wish I could have gotten to know who you are and what makes you tick. I was so quick to judge you and now I haven't got the chance to form a second first impression of you. I don't know that I have the right to feel wronged by this fact but it just seems a great injustice that we could never fully resolve our differences._

_I thought of you last night. I closed my eyes and I was engulfed by the nightmares and the blackness, but somehow there was something behind it – something I couldn't quite see. I remember only short bursts of the day of the fire, I remember humiliation and I remember fear but there is something else. An early moment, it must have been from the morning because when I think of it I feel happiness. I think you know what I'm talking about and I'm sorry that the fire ruined it. I think you asked me out. You wanted to talk "about everything" and of course, I was blind and I was awkward and I agreed but only half heartedly. You have to understand that as easy as it may seem to pour out my feelings for you in here, voicing them to the real you is quite a different. The Eddie that lives in these pages, the Eddie that I imagine receiving these letters is an entirely different person to the real Eddie. You can never hurt me in here unless I allow you to, whereas the real Eddie can reject me and hurt me irreparably. That's why I am always awkward around you, why I can never to commit to a conversation when it gets too personal – I am afraid that if I let you in you will break my heart._

_It seems silly to distinguish between the real you and the person you are when I write to you doesn't it. If I hadn't felt something for you (the real you) I would never have started writing these ridiculous letters. You see Eddie, you inspire things in me that I thought I would never feel – things that I don't understand and yet I fear that everything I fear will be unrequited. In fact it is not just a fear, it is a certainty. You will never feel for me what I feel for you and it is naive of me to even hope that you will._

_The fire has changed me Eddie. I am not the same person I was and I'm afraid that anything you thought you knew about me is gone. I am less than half the person I was before and it is going to take time to rediscover her. If for some miraculous reason I find myself still in my job, I know that we will never be the same – the fire will also be between, an ominous foreboding presence that neither of us dares to talk about. I have been changed much more than I thought I would be. There are differences physically too. The fire has disfigured me and has made me ugly. Where once my skin was smooth, it is now ripped apart by fire and I can't look at it. The scar that is left as a permanent reminder of the fire is the one demon that I cannot yet face._

_So you see Eddie, I understand that it is foolish of me to even dare to hope the you could love me. I know that no man could be expected to love someone who is imperfect as I am. That is why I must let you go. There is no question about it. Now that I am out of your life you can move on – be the Headteacher that Waterloo Road needs, find a nice woman to be your wife and have a family. I know that you will have the perfect charmed life without me – I am not good for you and I never was, I have a past and that past comes with a lot of things that would be difficult for you to understand. You deserve a woman who has dreamt of meeting a man like you since she was a little girl – a woman who only loves you, who doesn't need to be healed and rehabilitated the way that I do. I have accepted my fate – I am an ex prostitute who is destined to be alone forever. It is a punishment for the life I used to lead and that's fine._

_I hope that the school can rise from the ashes of this fire and I hope that you lead the pupils and the staff which such a strength that fends of any memory of the fire. I hope that you can erase the traces of me from the walls of Waterloo Road and I hope that it becomes the school I know it could be. You have a wonderful staff and some really good pupils. My only advice is that you always believe in them – but I know that you already do._

_Do you know that I thought that this letter would somehow make me feel better? I was really that selfish. I thought that if I could not speak to you in person I could at least write to you in here and you would offer me some comfort. I really believed that and I know now that I do not deserve to be comforted, I deserve to be reminded every day of how much suffering I have caused and I'm sorry that I ever involved you in my complicated life._

_I'm feeling hollow now because I know that this is the end. There is nothing left to say except that despite what I may or may not have said – I am really glad I got to meet you Eddie Lawson. You are one of those rare people that most people don't have the fortune to meet in this life. You have a beautiful soul and you try to see the good in people. It might have taken a little longer than I thought it would but you saw the good in me too – or at least I think you did and for that I am grateful._

_So Eddie, there is only one thing left to say and that is goodbye. Please know that there is no bitterness in me and that I am pleased that you are going to be leading Waterloo Road away from this and away from me. I'm sorry for everything._

_I you love Eddie Lawson._

_Rachel x. _

* * *

Almost two hundred miles away and three years from the date of the letter in the little blue journal, Eddie Lawson could do nothing to stop the tears which stained the pages. The whole letter had filled him with sadness from its lonely, desolate beginning to its terribly beautiful and tragic end. He had not had any idea that she had been feeling this way. He would have never left her with those destructive thoughts had he known. He hated that she had felt so alone, that she had contemplated the world without her in it, when the truth was she had been alone for a sum total of two days after the fire. He had been at that hospital everyday for the three and a half weeks of her coma – he had been there holding her hand and telling her that she was not alone, that she needed to wake up. It had only been when he knew she was awake that he had left. In hindsight, he could not understand that decision. It was possibly the worst thing he had done, was probably the reason why they had not gotten together far sooner than the reality.

He had never known that she had been preparing to say to say goodbye before they could even go through any of the things that made them Rachel and Eddie. He could hardly comprehend Waterloo Road without her and he hated to think that she could. Rachel was the beating heart of that school and everyone knew it. That's why he had fought against the LEA and successfully secured her position as Headteacher, the only place she belonged. She was the only person for that job and despite what everyone might have said behind her back – they needed her. She was the only person to make sense of Waterloo Road, she made it work she understood what it needed and she knew what it did not need. Eddie knew that had he allowed Rachel Mason to walk away that summer Waterloo Road would not exist as it did now. It would still be a place of failure and misery.

He was shocked by the impression she had gotten of him – that he would not want her to continue at the school, would support her in her role. His actual feelings had been quite different; he had wanted nothing more than to support her, to give her the confidence she so desperately needed. He had experienced a pang of guilt at her mention of her physical imperfection. He recalled that he had not handled _that_ situation particularly well. She had shown him what she had become and he had looked away. But what she didn't understand was that this action had not been fuelled by disgust or repulsion as she had undoubtedly believed. He had looked away because he was ashamed that she would think that her physical appearance was the only thing that mattered, the only reason why he loved her. Of course it had not been. He had loved her for her personality and for her 'beautiful soul' as she had described it and he thought she was absolutely beautiful no what the fire had done to her. Looking back over all the time they had spent together, he couldn't remember a time when he had ever explained that to her.

He missed her so much that his heart ached for her. As he read her words, he tried to picture her saying them, tried to make her jump out of this little journal and come alive. He tried to imagine that she was with him that they had not been apart for all this time. But it just wasn't the same as having her here and being able to tell her all the things he wished he had said before. It wasn't the same as rewriting history. For all the time he could cling onto this little piece of her, it was in the back of his mind that soon it would come to an end and then he would no longer have her at all.

But for now, he still had a fair few letters to get through and he set about reading the next one...

_10th January 2008_

_Dear Eddie..._

_You've broken my heart... _


	7. Chapter 7

London – December 2010.

Eddie didn't know if he could bear to read the next letter. The first sentence was enough to make him realise how much he had hurt her, how insensitive he had been. The truth was he had loved her so much since the first day he had met her and being a man, he had been terrified of admitting that fact – particularly as she had done nothing discourage the idea that she had hated him up on their first meeting. He couldn't blame her, he knew Rachel had been through so much and she found it difficult to trust anyone – he just wished he had been there for her, he wished that he had shown her that he believed in her and would back her up through anything.

Instead, when she rebuffed him on that first day he had left her behind and moved onto Melissa. He had discarded her, had denied his feelings for her and in doing so, he had broken her heart, the one thing that she had given to him. If only he had known. Eventually he mustered the courage to read on. He knew he had to take in everything she had written in order to work out what to do next. There was a reason why Steph had sent him this journal and he was only just beginning to put the pieces together. He had to know if she still felt something for him...

He took a deep breath and looked down at the page.

* * *

_10th January 2010_

_Dear Eddie..._

_You've broken my heart. That's right it is smashed into millions of pieces and it will never be whole again, but the thing is you don't even seem to have any idea what you've done. I should have known you wouldn't be any different from the other men I have the misfortune to meet. But my foolish heart felt something for you and I thought you felt it too – but you don't do you Eddie? Of course you don't now you know that I am damaged goods. I knew this fire would change us, would change the way we work but I dared to believe that you saw something in me that was deeper than the way my skin looks – but obviously not. You're a man – it's not your fault, for you beauty is only skin deep isn't Eddie and I'm not beautiful on the outside anymore am I? I have been ruined by the fire and you don't want me anymore._

_Do you know, I never thought I would allow myself to feel cheapened again, nit after everything in my past, but you did Eddie – you made me feel cheap with your stupid little line. "You're special Rachel." You know, I've lost track of how many times in my life I've heard that line. "You're special Amanda now do what I want, there's a good girl." You see Eddie you forgot about my past just for a second and in doing that you made it real all over again. I'm afraid that I don't respond to be called 'special' anymore Eddie – I am not a seventeen year old hooker anymore and I with not be manipulated with fancy compliments, I will not be foolish enough to believe that I am worth anything more to you than one of our pupils because you told me I'm special. You can't use me Eddie – I won't let you._

_I'm not feeling special right now Eddie and that's your fault. You made me feel ugly the moment you looked away from me and I'll remember that forever. That moment, like the scar on my chest is burned into my memory for the rest of my life. I hope you know that Eddie, that will be the way I remember you forever._

_What makes it so difficult is that you have rejected me for her. You have what everyone has done to me throughout my whole life. You have affirmed that I will never be good enough never pretty enough, or happy enough or sexy enough. I will never be my sister and I will never be with you._

_When I think about it, I can see why you did it. I hadn't seen Melissa for years, but I must agree with you – she is beautiful. She has become more beautiful as the years have passed and I can see why you would choose her over me. Please did not lead the life I had, she was well educated charming and lead a perfectly happy life. She got the best out of life because I gave up mine. That's what you do when you love someone isn't it? You can't bear to see them suffer the way you have so you let your life sit on the backburner whilst you help them flourish. Don't you see Eddie? I'm the reason why you're in love with Melissa – I made her the way she is._

_It saddens me to think that you failed to meet my expectations. I thought that I meant more to you but I see now that I am disposable, only interesting until the newer, fresher model arrived. It's so frustrating Eddie – Melissa always gets what she wants and this time she has taken the one thing that I wanted out of life – She has taken you and now I will never get you back. Not that I had you in the first place._

_I know that this isn't entirely your fault. It wouldn't be fair of me to suggest that it is. I must share some of the blame for the way that everything between us has worked out. I wasn't open to you, I didn't let you in and I know it was selfish of me to expect you to wait for me but I thought that you would. I thought you were beginning to feel the connection between us, I thought you wanted more from me – but I see now that you see me first and foremost in a professional capacity and that's ok._

_But I can't help but wonder what would have happened if you had only waited for me, if you had only let me figure it now. The reason why I didn't let you in before was because I was terrified that this would happen and i have been proven right. I let you in and you destroyed me and now I have to all smiles and happiness at your wedding._

_Do you know that hearing that proposal felt like a knife in my heart? It would have been easier if you had just killed me there and then, but you didn't – you stuck the knife in and you let it twist all day. I don't want to be Melissa's maid of honour. A maid of honour is supposed to be supportive of the bride, she should be able to tell her that she is making the right decision and that she will be endlessly happy without wanting to kill herself. You know Eddie, that's me – I'm the nightmare maid of honour. I can say the words 'You look beautiful Mel', 'I'm so happy for you' but they will be empty and devoid of any meaning because the truth is I love you and it should be walking down that aisle towards you not her. Every time I see you together I just want the Earth to swallow me up and I know that there's something not right about that. I'm jealous Eddie. I want you – you should be mine. But you're not and so I'll do what Rachel Mason does best. I'll avoid the mirrors and I'll be the actress that I am and I'll make sure that your day is perfect and you will never know how much it hurts me. Why would you even care anyway? You'll have Melissa and she'll give you the perfect two point four children with blonde ringlets and endearing smiles exactly like her and Philip will be your step son and you'll have no reason to think about the poor woman with the auburn hair, the scarred skin and the broken smile._

_That's the way it's going to be and I have accepted my fate – I am destined to walk this life alone without love and certainly without you and you will go on to wedded bliss and it's not ok – I don't what I said before Eddie, it's not ok – It's not fair and I hate but I have accepted it and at last we can all move on. I don't want pity and I don't want sympathy I only wanted to tell you the truth because you deserve that much. I am a broken woman and you have broken me Eddie Lawson. Only you._

_I know I must sound bitter and I suppose that I am, but I know that we were never meant to be together – not really, we would never have worked and I am glad that you found someone who makes you happy. It's going to be hard to let you go Eddie but I know I must, there's nothing left between us now – except of course my sister and that is perhaps the saddest thing about this. Melissa will always be between us, she will always keep us apart. So with the greatest heaviness in my heart I will end this letter by saying that it will be my last, I won't write to you again and I won't come between you and your new life._

_Know only this – I fear I will love you forever._

_Rachel._2010 – London...

* * *

Eddie drew in a breath. This was perhaps the saddest of the letters he had read so far – despite the fact that the last one had driven him to tears. In this letter she had gotten him so wrong, so desperately wrong. He wanted to reach into the journal and pull the Rachel who had written it out and shake her. He wanted to say to her _"Don't you get it? I love you. I want to be with you. Melissa didn't mean anything to me..."_

But he knew he couldn't. The Rachel who had written that letter was a Rachel from the past and he knew that the person he had been had definitely hurt her back then and then more recently that same person had continued to cause her pain. It was true what she said – Melissa had always been the only thing _between_ them, of course Rachel had meant that Melissa was the only thing that connected them, but Eddie meant it literally – Melissa had come between them and she had kept them apart. It was her fault they were apart now...

Eddie knew that wasn't strictly true or fair but it felt like Melissa and her pregnancy had ruined everything. If only he had never gone to the pub that night – if only he had just stayed with Rachel in her office, if only he'd seen how desperately lonely she had been. Maybe he had, maybe his conscious mind had just been tired of trying to get through to her. This may have been the case but Eddie's subconscious would have been screaming at him, he knew it would have been and yet he had still let himself be seduced by the heady scent of Melissa's perfume, by her smile, by the tumble of her blonde curls – by Melissa and her aura, because the reality was that if he couldn't have Rachel then past Eddie had reasoned that having her sister was better than nothing. What a mistake... He could still feel the repercussions of that mistake two years later. If only he had known then how she felt.

_But you did Eddie. You know you did – it was there in her eyes and in her soul all along and still you broke her heart._ His subconscious told him.

"I loved you Rachel." He spoke to the Rachel in the journal, the real Rachel and his empty office.

"I hope you know I loved you. I hope I explained." He continued.

"I love you Rachel I do." He reassured the invisible Rachels and himself.

"I still love you." He spoke the words and he knew they were the truth.

That was the moment when everything became clear for Eddie. He had been hiding away from this for so long, hiding away from his feelings and his desires and her and it was time to face up to that fact. It was time to fight for Rachel Mason...

He turned the page of the journal quickly knowing that this letter, contrary to the words written within it was not her last. He was desperate to find some connection with her again, because he needed to know that he had made the right decision...

* * *

Rochdale – December 2010.

Rachel was going out of her mind with worry. She couldn't find it anywhere, the one thing which she held most dear. She knew it had been here this morning, she never came here without it. Some days it was the only thing which helped her through the day and she needed to find it. Today had been a particularly important day in the little blue journal's history – it had been today when she had filled up the last page – a day she had been dreading since losing _him._ She knew she had to grow up someday, that she had to realise that most of the feelings concealed within the thick pages of the book had never actually been articulated and they never would be, but talking to him in the journal, writing down everything she experienced in his absence seemed to make that absence less noticeable. It was real now and she definitely noticed it and now she had lost the journal too. She smoothed a hand over her face. She couldn't deal with this now, not with everything she had been through and everything she was still going through. She needed to find it and until then all she could do was pray that it didn't fall into the wrong hands...

_ 24th July 2008..._

_Dear Eddie..._

_You chose me..._


	8. Chapter 8

**The actual letter - hope you're not too confused? :S**

_24th July 2008_

_Dear Eddie..._

_You chose me. I feel breathless. I don't even know what to say. I'm sitting here and I know that this goes against what I said in that 'last' letter, but what else am I supposed to do? I couldn't speak to you in reality, I was too shocked. It just doesn't make sense Eddie and I don't understand why you would pick me over Melissa._

_Look at us Eddie look at us both. She's so beautiful with her long blonde hair and her wide eyes – she's a beautiful woman and you should have gone with her. When I came to you earlier I didn't expect that this would be the way it would all pan out. I only wanted her to tell you the truth, I needed to hear the truth. I thought... well... I suppose I wasn't really thinking ..._

_I'm sorry that I ruined everything for you and Melissa Eddie, I'm sure you would have had a wonderful life together – but I couldn't stand to see her hurt you like that. You deserve better than that but I don't know if I'm better than her. In fact I'm probably worse than her – I've done things that are much worse than bigamy – you know that and still you would rather lose Melissa._

_A part of me is thrilled that you have stayed even if it means that things are going to be awkward between us. I don't really know how we move on from this. Does the fact that you chose me mean that we are going to be a couple sometime in the future? I'm not sure. I'm just not sure that you'll want me now – maybe I'm still not good enough, perhaps I'll never fill the Melissa shaped hole in your life but that's a risk that I'm willing to take._

_I'm so afraid that I'm going to end up alone Eddie. How is it possible to feel so alone when I know what I know now?_

_I called you today. I called you four times and you won't pick up. Are you there I wonder? Are you there in your house going over and over things in your mind? Maybe you are – maybe you're going over and over your decision – did you do the right thing? Was I the right choice?_

_I wish you would answer the phone Eddie – I really need to hear your voice. I wish that we could just talk like we used to. I wish I knew that we'll be ok. But I don't Eddie – I never have and I suppose I never will. What happens now Eddie, should I be brave – should I tell you how I feel? Will it make everything better? Is it really possible that two halves can make a whole?_

_I guess I'll just keep calling and hope that you'll finally answer. I know that this must a be a hard time for you and that you're probably feeling cheated but please don't forget me. I'm here and I'll still be here when you feel ready to rejoin reality. I suppose it's only fair that you get time to grieve for what have lost but you will come back won't you Eddie? You'll come back to me and we'll be us again won't we? If nothing else we'll be Rachel and Eddie and all those things that we've never said will still be there won't they? Is wrong of me to wonder what would happen if I just said it._

_What could really be the harm in just saying it? Maybe at the end of a meeting or during a lunch break – a lunch break where we're ourselves again where we can talk and laugh and be you and me. What if I just took a deep breath and said the words – those three scary words that everyone worries so much over – I love you._

_I love you Eddie and I'm really glad you chose me. I really glad that I didn't lose you. You know, my pen's shaking when I think about it. I can't believe that Melissa would do that to you... how could she play with your feelings like that? That's one thing I'll never do Eddie you can trust that about me. From now on we have to be totally honest with each other – I will never lie to you. If you want to know how I feel then all you have to do is ask. Just ask me – go on I dare you... just ask me..._

_I should go soon, it's not sensible to be writing these emotions down when I have a stroppy teenager running about in the house. I hope things settle down soon Eddie. I hope Phil stops hating me and he starts to forgive his mother. Don't you see Eddie – I need you, you have to come back to me – I need your help Eddie._

_You chose me now prove that you want me, that maybe there could be more to our relationship than friendship. I'm ready now Eddie. I'm ready to be a grown up and to admit my feelings for you. I'm ready for you now Eddie now please, just come back to me..._

_Your Rachel x_

* * *

London 2010.

Eddie was crying again. Why was this such an emotional experience? Yet again Rachel had gotten the wrong impression. That day – the last day of the school term had been a pivotal moment in his life. In that moment when he had been faced with the choice between Melissa and Rachel, between great love and disappointment, he had realised that there had never been a choice to make at all. It had always been Rachel from day one. He had always loved her and every part of him, his heart and his mind had known that she was what he wanted and what he needed. Melissa had always been a distraction. He had known that now and he knew that now. A marriage to Melissa would have never lasted. Whereas a marriage to Rachel... that would have been forever.

He could see his life with Rachel in a big house with lots of little thems running around. He could imagine loving her forever and he knew he always would. That day had been one of the most freeing of his entire life. Everything had become clear. He had known immediately that Rachel was the one, the only choice and he had acted upon this knowledge immediately.

It had been a good day for Eddie despite the fact that Melissa had smashed everything he had planned but in a way he was thankful to her. For those brief wonderful months he had been with the woman of his dreams.

Why did her letter sound so sad – like there was ever any chance that they would be together? Had he really made her feel that way, feel so worthless and alone? Every now and the letter sounded so hopeful but then it had slipped back into desolation again.

_"I'm sorry Rachel... don't you understand yet? All those times you tried to call me – I was sitting outside of your house. I was trying to figure out what to say. Why didn't you say something – why couldn't you say something?" _

Even in choosing her he had made her feel inadequate. He had made her feel like she could never have happiness and he realised now that he was lucky she had continued to love him, had given him a chance to love her. He had to go back there... He had to make this right.

He looked down at the date of the next letter.

_ 20th September 2008..._

_Dear Eddie..._

_Wow... _

He didn't need to read this letter, he knew what would be in it. Just the simple thought transported him back to that day...


	9. Chapter 9

**The day in question... not the letter :) **

_ 20th September 2008. Rochdale..._

_7.20 pm and he followed her inside. It didn't seem real actually. With everything that had happened last term he had never imagined that they would ever get to this moment -to being friends again. It seemed like such a long time since they had been able to talk in such a casual, easy way about anything and yet here they were. Rachel and Eddie – the people they used to be before Melissa had come along and ruined everything._

_Of course, Eddie was still uncertain about how he should proceed. He knew what he wanted, what he had always wanted, but it was wrong. He couldn't tell her how he really felt because his relationship with her sister had only just ended and both of them were confused. Besides there was Phil to think about. If Eddie thought that what Melissa had put him through was bad, he dreaded to think what Phil might be feeling. Eddie would have never imagined that Melissa was capable of such a cruel and callous act. But the truth was that Melissa was selfish and the feelings of others were not even a minor consideration for her._

_That was the one thing that Eddie had learned from all of this. It didn't matter how hard he tried to replace the Rachel shaped hole in his life – it was simply impossible. She was unique and he loved her because she was Rachel and she didn't let anyone get in her way – or at least most of the time. He loved her because she was selfless and had such a beautiful soul. He loved the very essence of her and no other woman could ever hope to mimic that. Not even her sister._

_So here they were on friendly grounds again at long last and it felt like such a relief. He had hated fighting with her and had secretly regretted starting things with Melissa everyday that had been together. There had been days when he had physically ached to tell Rachel how he felt about her. There were days when he could have sworn that the feeling was mutual and yet for some reason he had been foolish enough to remain bound to a woman he could never truly love._

_That didn't matter now. Melissa had gone and they had been given a second chance. He just hoped that he had not blown it. He watched her as she walked in front of him casually talking over her shoulder at him. This was more like the old them than they had been for weeks. Relaxed and comfortable and able to talk about anything._

_They were here as part of a new quality time initiative Eddie had proposed. Of course, he had made out that it would be for the benefit of Phil but secretly he had wanted to spend time with her outside of school, away from pitying eyes and gossiping teachers. He felt like he had to get to know her again._

_"...Yeah apparently it's not the first time she's done this. Karla's mum was quite calm." Rachel said and suddenly he zoned back into their conversation._

_They had been discussing the fact that Karla had run out of school following another of Kim's failed attempts to get the school working together. Eddie didn't know why Rachel was so insistent on keeping Kim at Waterloo Road – she was something of a maverick and her hot headed attitude meant that she made mistakes which could otherwise have been avoided. The old Rachel Mason would have let her go a long time ago but she seemed to see something in Kim Campbell which appealed to her delicate sensibility and he supposed that she had needed an ally and she had chosen Kim as his replacement. He just hoped that they could get on track again._

_"Yes well Kim should have had her eye on the ball."Eddie replied – he had made his feelings on the subject perfectly clear and felt the need to impress them upon her now._

_"Oh Eddie, are you going to talk shop all night? Because the only ball you need to keep your eye on mister is this one." She said brandishing a bowling ball._

_Why did he find that so sexy? – was that so wrong? He loved being back in her company again and he couldn't help but notice that she seemed happy too._

_He laughed and she did too and he loved the sound of her laughter. It sounded like music to his eyes._

_"Where is that boy?" Eddie asked in exasperation, checking his watch._

_"I don't know – he said he'd meet us here – didn't want to be seen leaving the school with the headmistress I guess." Rachel mused._

_Eddie resisted the urge to say that he would like to be seen leaving the school every night with her. That he would like everyone to know that he was the one going home with her._

_Her phone beeped and she halted their flirtations momentarily whilst she checked the message._

_"Aw!" Rachel moaned._

_"What is it?" Eddie asked her concernedly._

_"It's Philip – he's got a better offer apparently – some gig or something." Rachel replied in minor annoyance._

_"So much for quality time." Eddie said, though secretly this was exactly the kind of quality time he'd been hoping for – just the two of them, but it didn't seem likely that she was going to stay around. He looked away in embarrassment, afraid that if he looked directly at her she would see exactly what he was thinking._

_"Ok... so it's one on one and I'm going to whoop your butt!" She giggled and he sensed that she was offering him an olive branch – if only he would take it. Their eyes connected then, just for a second, a single moment in time and he saw her desperation. She wanted him to take this opportunity._

_"Ooh I forgot how competitive you are. Isn't it the taking part that counts Miss Mason?" He laughed._

_"Aw, I'll leave that one for the kids Mr Lawson – tonight victory will be mine!" She replied the laughter in her voice making her incredibly sexy._

_"Well we'll see!" Eddie retorted he considered himself to be something of a professional when it came to bowling._

_She giggled and suddenly the game was on..._

_He was losing. It seemed that he had been a tad over ambitious in his aim of beating her. Of course being a man, Eddie's ego was bruised and he had taken to being a stroppy little school boy who had just lost his fight to a girl. But in reality, Eddie didn't care who was winning or losing this game. In fact he would have let her win a thousand times over if it meant she would smile like this forever. He couldn't believe it. In the space of about an hour, Rachel had come back. She had emerged from the chrysalis she had been hiding in – she had emerged in all her former glory with a renewed vigour. She was the beautiful butterfly she was always meant to be._

_She was smiling like the Cheshire cat – a big wide grin that was so unmistakably Rachel. She was back and he was here to witness that fact. Gone was the submissive, subdued Rachel who had come back after the fire and in her place stood Rachel Mason. It truly was a wonder to behold._

_He took the bowling ball off of the trolley and took a run up to the line as he had seen all the best players do. Of course, if he was honest it was clear that he was showing off for her benefit – trying to impress her, but he was failing and failing fast. His score was dire in comparison to hers. She had already managed to get two strikes and it seemed the best Eddie had done was four pins. It was not looking good for team Lawson. He let go of the ball and watched as slowly but surely it made its way into the gutter._

_"Oh!" He exclaimed in his frustration, grimacing as a big fat zero appeared on the screen._

_He walked back towards her and she giggled holding open her arms as if to welcome him into a friendly commiserative hug. At the last minute she seemed to change her mind and she clapped them together, still giggling as if the motion had been deliberate._

_"I wanted to go to dinner but no – 'Let's go bowling' she says 'Phil loves bowling' – well where's he now?" Eddie spoke grumpily._

_"Oh he's out having a good time with his mates while I thrash you! You're rubbish!" Rachel exclaimed, throwing her hands playfully against his chest. He wondered briefly if she had noticed the pounding of his heart because she pulled away quickly._

_"Well you go on then if you think you can do better – go on!" He challenged her and noted the mischievous glint in her eyes._

_"Aw chill, watch." Rachel soothed him much as she might have done with a child. He supposed his was being childish._

_She walked slowly up to the line and Eddie couldn't help but notice the pronounced swing of her hips as she walked – was that for his benefit?_

_"Foul! Foul!" Eddie shouted. He had been scrutinising her movements as she let the ball go and it certainly seemed that she had leaned over the line as she had done so._

_She turned around with a look which said she was highly offended._

_"My foot was behind that line!" She said in exasperation, although she giggled nonetheless._

_"No way!" Eddie protested._

_"Well it was on the line." Rachel conceded as her chest heaved and the tension between them built._

_"Ok Mc Enroe if that's the way you want to beat me." Eddie threw up his hands in defeat as he walked back towards the trolley._

_There was no movement for a moment until suddenly shed had grabbed onto him._

_"Excuse me – are you calling me a liar?" She asked him, a challenge in her voice._

_He didn't know how it happened, but suddenly they were face to face and Eddie sensed that this was the moment. The crucial moment, the do or die moment. Still he played it cool, no matter how much the butterflies were fluttering in his stomach or the way his heart was missing a beat._

_"Oh I'm far too much of a gentleman to say that." He teased._

_"Yes you are." Rachel replied nodding her heading slowly. She continued to nod her head a little longer and all of sudden he wasn't sure she was simply agreeing with him or encouraging him to do something else. Something he desperately wanted to do._

_They were millimetres apart and the tension crackled between them. She stared at him with big forlorn chocolate eyes and suddenly his was lost. He couldn't care less about all the reasons she had created for them not to be together. He couldn't care less about professional values or the wall she had put around her heart. Right now, looking into her eyes, he could see that she was letting him in. He stared at her a moment, his head moving just a fraction closer._

_He listened as her breath caught just slightly and he watched as her eyes flicked casually down to his lips and then back to his eyes. Was she really daring him to do it –to kiss her? He watched as she repeated the action almost as if willing him to do it and suddenly nothing else mattered. Melissa and everything he had been through seemed insignificant, everything he had done to hurt Rachel seemed to fade away and he was presented with this second chance. He would not waste it._

_He sank towards her though there was barely any distant between them now. The last image that met his eyes as he touched his lips to hers was her eyes closing in an almost gratified pleasure._

_So this was what it felt like to kiss her. That first kiss lasted only seconds, but in that brief time he reached Heaven. He pulled away and opened his eyes she was staring back at him with such intensity that his body shook with desire. He leaned in again and kissed her for the second time. He felt her respond pressing her soft lips to his as she let out a slow breath._

_She pulled away again and he saw that she was happy. They paused for a moment desperate to regain some oxygen but they were apart for only seconds before her lips found his again. This time she did not hesitate and he felt her hands running through his hair as he pulled her close. If only this moment could go on forever..._December 2010 – London...

* * *

Yes Eddie remembered that night well – it had changed his life and he could honestly say that it had been one of the best moments of his life. She had forgiven him for the way he had treated her. They had been able to move on.

He remembered how he had been reluctant to let her go but eventually they had been asked to leave the alley and they had realised that their bowling game had only been half finished but that hardly seemed to matter anymore. They had achieved their main goal even if it had been hidden in their subconsciouses.

He remembered how they had gotten into his four by four and he had driven her home. He remembered how she had nervously asked him if he wanted to come in for coffee and he remembered how he had declined. He remembered the tortured look in her eyes and he remembered how he had explained how he wanted them to wait- until they got to know each other better, until she understood that he respected her. She had smiled at this and thanked him for being such a gentleman and they had shared a goodnight kiss. He remembered how he had promised that he would see her in the morning and he remembered how she had reminded him that she was away in London on a course. His heart had almost broken at the thought of being away from her, but she had assured him that it was only two days and she would be back... He remembered how two days had felt like two years. He remembered how much he had missed her...

He turned the page of the journal and read the date of the next letter...

_22nd September 2008..._

_Dear Eddie..._

_Is it mad that I miss you so much? _

She had written in her neat curving script and as he began to read the letter he thought to himself "it's not as mad as how much I miss you now."...


	10. Chapter 10

**The letter - hope you understand the layout by now x**

_22nd September 2008..._

_Dear Eddie..._

_Is it mad that I miss you so much? I'm sitting here in my hotel room and I don't know what's happened to me. I have just got back from the most amazing course I've ever been on and I don't even care. All I can think about is you. I've texted you maybe ten times under the pretext of informing my colleague about a brilliant professional course, but really I couldn't care less about the course or letting you know what I thought of it. I just found myself craving some kind of contact with you. I'm glad that you've texted me back every time – even if you do sound disinterested in the course. I know that you're enjoying reading my texts almost as much I'm enjoying sending them because you keep putting cheeky little comments on the end of your replies and then there are the kisses. They may be nothing more than the simple 'x's' which are meant to represent a real kiss, but to me they are a reminder of the kiss we shared._

_I've never been like this before. I've felt this affected by my emotions before. I've just been to a really good course and I'm sitting here in my five star hotel with all the luxury benefits a girl could ever wish for and yet I don't care about any of it because you're not here to share it with me. I miss you in a way that is so stupendous that I fear I must be crazy. We shared a kiss. Just a kiss and yet it is all I can think about. Every time I close my eyes I can see you sinking towards me and I can remember thinking that it was the only thing that made sense. Kissing you was a dream come true. I have never as certain about something as I do about that. After all those months of uncertainty and tension and feelings and flirtations everything came together in that one moment. That one perfect moment._

_Nothing else seems to matter now. Only you. I swear I can still feel the pressure of your lips against mine and yet somehow this is not enough to satisfy me. I need the real thing. I crave the real thing. I crave you. I'm sitting here and I'm lonely. I wish I could catch an earlier flight, if I could I would jump on a plane right now and fly back to you. It's late and I'm sure that you're getting ready to go to bed – that's probably what I should be doing, but I can't sleep—I'm too excited._

_If I could come home to you now I'd come straight round to your house and bang on the door until you let me in. Then I would kiss you until I had no more breath and wait for you to take me to bed. I know that when we eventually experience that part of our relationship, it will be perfect. I know that. I know that what we have, our relationship will be based on so much more than lust and sex. I'm sure of it. But I hope I'm not running away with myself – we've only shared one kiss and yet here I am talking about us as if we are already in a relationship. I'm sorry if that sounds forward of me but that is how I see us. You're different Eddie. I trust you. I love you. That's right, I know already that I love you and that kiss just confirmed everything I had always imagined about you. You're sensitive and you care and I think that there's even a possibility that you might love me. Is it weird that I know all of this already? I'm probably crazy but I don't care – I guess it's like Beyonce says you've got me feeling so crazy in love._

_I can't wait to get home to you. Then we can do things properly. We can get to know each other properly, though I feel like I know everything about you already. You have such a kind and loving spirit and I'm so glad that you chose to share it with me. I really believe that I am the luckiest woman alive._

_I'm sitting here wearing a black silk nightdress and I'm wondering what you'd think of it. I'm wondering if it would turn you on. The very thought of you ripping off of me is turning me on right now... but I'm scared. I'm not perfect Eddie. You already know that. You've seen a glimpse of what the fire has done to me. It had destroyed my body and I'm not the same person I was before. I'm worried that when it comes to it, that inevitable moment when I must show myself to you, that you will be repulsed by me. I hope not, I hope that you can accept my body for what it is – a ruined temple._

_I hope that you can learn to love the way I look despite everything but I will understand if this is too much to ask. I know how difficult I find it to look at myself in the mirror and I understand that you might not be able to cope with the damage to my physical appearance but I pray that you will try._

_There's only a few hours to go until I can get on that plane and make the journey back to Rochdale. I know I'll be travelling all day and we'll wait until the next school day to see each other. I know that it's going to be hard for me to stick to that considering that I will want to simply come straight over, but I'm an adult and I am somewhat famed for my self- restraint. So however hard it may be I will stick to that promise and we can reap the benefits of that age old saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder...'_

_Reading this back it sounds like we are oceans apart when really it is only a matter of miles, but I am in love and I am feeling the torture of being separated from you. I can't wait to be home and back at school and we'll see where life takes us. I know we can never be sure about what's around the corner but I know for sure that whatever obstacles lay in our way – I want to be with you forever. I'm going to go to bed now and then when we both wake up in the morning we'll be one step closer to Heaven and we can do things properly – the way they always should have been._

_Goodnight Eddie. I love you._

_Your Rachel xx _London 2010...

* * *

Eddie finished reading the letter with a giggle. It was good to remember the funny side of Rachel. It was comforting to know that he had inspired her to feel again, even in those early stages of their relationship. He thought he could hear the voice of a young Rachel in this particular letter. A Rachel who existed before her life had gone so horribly wrong – a little girl with hopes and dreams and the fairytale image of what her man, what her husband would look like. He could see Rachel holding on for this perfect man, something which it seemed she thought he embodied and fantasising about the fairytale wedding. Their relationship had been such a beautiful thing. It had been full of love and respect and honesty and it had been so good. But even he had not been able to give her the fairytale she had dreamt of. He had broken her heart...

He flicked through pages of the journal which contained simple little love notes and memoirs to moments in their relationship. They were honest and they were light hearted and they reminded him of all the little things that had made their relationship so special. All the little things which reminded him how much he had loved her and how perfect they had been together.

It was these little love notes which saddened him most. The little snapshots of their lives together for those few months made him miss all the little things about her that he loved. Like the feel of her lips on his or the comfort that he took from a hug with her or the way that one of his cheesy chat up lines could have her laughing for hours, or taking her out and knowing that she was with him. Or making slow sweet love to her and watching as the joy of the act filled her up or the way her hair looked as the early morning sun bounced around either of their bedrooms or the way that she looked when she was sleeping. The way she would drag him round every shop on the high street and make him carry her bags, the way she gave him little treats like buying herself some sexy underwear for his enjoyment. Even the way she would divide the Sunday paper up for him when they were out in the park near his house – Sports for him, Life and Style for her. Yes these were the things he missed about Rachel Mason. They might seem mundane and ordinary to any other person but to him they were magic moments which deserved to be coveted and treasured above all other things.

He definitely regretted leaving her – for that was what he had done. There was no other way to describe his actions. He had walked away from her and he had left her alone to face the rebuild of the school and all the criticisms of onlookers in the community. He had left her and he had run away and hidden like the child that he was. That was the simple truth. Looking back now he wished he had stayed but you couldn't change the past. The more he thought about it, the more he knew that they would have made it work. They loved each other and they needed to be together but he had let her down. He had been faced with the prospect of having to provide for Melissa's child and he had been scared. He had been so scared that the child would always come between Rachel and himself. She would always know that he had fathered her sister's child and he knew that would be painful for her. He had never wanted that life with Melissa – the whole marriage and children fantasy- he knew that now. That had been something that he had envisaged for his life with Rachel and Melissa had ruined it. She had scuppered his plans to whisk Rachel away on the 'holiday of a lifetime' he had planned and he had put an end to his plans to ask her the most important thing he would have ever asked her. Yes, Eddie Lawson had been frightened that in staying with Rachel and making the best of the situation she would always feel second best and he would lose her anyway. So he had done the classic male thing. He had told her he loved her and then he had walked away.

'It's not you it's me.' How true that had been.

So Eddie had walked away from Rochdale and he had run away and in doing so he hoped that she would know that he had not chosen Melissa and the child. He simply hadn't chosen her either. He had broken what they had and he had ruined both their lives and it had been all his fault. He had ended their relationship and he had regretted it every day since. Rachel had not wanted it to be over, she being her gracious, loving self had wanted to make the best of the situation – she would have quite easily been a step mum to the child but he had not given her the chance. He had told her that he couldn't do it to her and he hadn't let her have a say at all. It was the biggest mistake of his life. He had broken his own heart and he suspected that he had broken hers too.

He flicked over the page knowing that the next letter would be the hardest one he would ever have to read...

_20th August 2009_

_Eddie..._

_I wonder if it's possible to kill someone even though they're still alive. Maybe it is because I know I don't feel alive anymore. Of course, I'm still breathing... or at least I think I am but I can feel the pain of the knife stabbing into to my heart and it hurts so much. I feel empty. Numb, I feel numb to everything going on around me and I'm not sure that it's normal to feel this way. That is perhaps what hurts the most. I know that this is not normal but there is nothing I can do to stop myself feeling this way. The worst thing in all of this is that I know the man who murdered me. It's you Eddie. You took away my life and you're walking free. What's that saying 'when a heart breaks it don't break even' right? Well I guess that I'm the one who came away with less of my heart Eddie._

_How could you do this to me? I trusted you; I trusted you and I gave you my heart. I loved you and I trusted you with the one thing that was most precious to me. You held my heart in your hands and you chose to throw all away as if it meant nothing. Did all those months really mean nothing Eddie? Was I really so worthless to you? I gave myself to you Eddie – I gave you everything I had and that was so hard for me. You knew how hard things like that were for me, how difficult I found it to express my feelings and yet you made me feel that I was special and that you cared about me. But I guess as usual and in perhaps the biggest test of them all, I have proven that I am nothing more than second rate. A two bit hooker whom you can just disregard. So I suppose I should be thanking you really – I know my place in this world and I will never try to rise above it again._

_But it just hurts so much Eddie. I love you. Don't you get it? I love you and I would have done anything for you. I would have followed you anywhere - I would have done whatever it took because I only wanted to be with you. Do you think I cared that you've got another child in this world? Do you think I care that it's Melissa's? I don't Eddie because I'm the one who'd have had you at the end of the day and that's all that mattered to me. We would have managed; we would have been OK because our love was strong enough to cope with that kind of pressure. It would have been alright. I would have managed it for you and then we could have still had the fantasy. But you ruined it. You ruined us and that's all there is to it and now we have nothing. I have nothing and you get away with it as usual._

_It's been one month and already it feels like an eternity. Do you know how that feels? Do you understand that the only thing that fills me is emptiness? I am broken, I am a shadow of my former self and you have done that to me. I cry myself to sleep most nights and I wake up screaming because I forget that you're not there anymore. The nightmares have intensified since you've been gone and I can't shake them. I don't feel calm anymore and I never will because you're the only thing that used to make me feel better. You took the nightmares away and now your absence has brought them back. I needed you Eddie. I needed you forever and you let me down._

_Do you know I can't even remember the point of this stupid journal anymore? It was supposed to bring me comfort and all it has done is bring me pain. Every time I reread the entries from the months before you left me I realise that it was the closest to happiness that I've ever been and now it's slipped through my fingers there is nothing left for me now and therefore, there is not any point in continuing this stupid bloody thing anymore. I will only be hurting myself and you've already hurt me enough for a lifetime. I've tried to hate you but I can't. I've tried to feel nothing but then I realised that it doesn't work that way. You can't fall out of love with someone just because you want to, it's impossible and I don't want to but I have to try and forget. That's what I'll do – I'll try to forget you. So this is it. The last letter and then it's over – for good – it's for the best. I know that now._

_Goodbye Eddie – I'll miss you._

_From the person who used to be Rachel._

* * *

London 2010.

Eddie knew that the letter had in fact not been the last one but for now all he could do was cling to the journal and cry. That letter had told him truths he had never quite realised and now he knew how much he had hurt her. He knew what he had to do and so despite himself and his grown up position Eddie cried. He cried for the only woman he had ever loved and he cried for her broken heart.


	11. Chapter 11

**Next bit for you x**

8th September 2009. – Rochdale...

Rachel Mason couldn't relax. She couldn't settle into the leather wingback chair which had offered her so much comfort. The walls of her office seemed to be closing in around her and she felt like she was suffocating. The school corridors were buzzing with the post holiday gossip. _'I had a great time in the Caribbean', Oh have you seen that fit new lad who's moved in to number five?_' Usually Rachel would have indulged positively in these morsels of gossip but right now as she tried to harness her inner calmness she just wanted to scream at them to shut up.

Her whole summer had been controlled by pain, hatred and alcohol. Not necessarily in that order but all had all been occurring on a daily basis. She had only completely sobered up two days ago when she realised that her manic depression was not conducive to running a school, particularly when she was going to be receiving a whole new intake of students from a private school and their posh private school teachers to match. Yes, Rachel Mason was a mess. But nobody needed to know about that. It wouldn't be hard. Except that she really was a mess and she feared that anything might send her back to the down the wrong path and she really needed to be in control because rumour had it the new Exec. Head was going to be nightmare.

Rachel felt nauseas and it had nothing to do with the alcohol excess of the past few days. She even suspected that it has little to do with the new intake or scary new 'boss man'. She had been panicking for days and she had been too afraid to do anything about this panic. She had been isolated with no one to turn to and she had done the only thing she had been capable of doing – she had drowned her sorrows ad tried not to think of the one man she really needed...

She massaged her temples as she realised what she had to do. If she wanted to stay in control, if she wanted to prove that this merger was a good idea and that Waterloo Road was not just a place of negative publicity then she had to know... She had to know for sure...

She got up from her desk knowing that she had roughly ten minutes before the welcome back assembly. Quite frankly that was too much time but if she moved slowly she could get it done with moments to spare...

She walked confidently into the ladies toilets. _'I'm fine' 'I'm in control'._ She shut herself into a cubicle and sank down. She couldn't do this. She couldn't do this again... Keeping everything a secret... doing this in a cold stone stall and not in a happy marriage... again... Except... that this time was different... This time everything could have been perfect...

She unzipped her bag and took out the thing that frightened her the most...

The ticking of her watching seemed to be pounding her ears.

90 second to go...

60 seconds to go...

30 seconds to go...

And...

Nothing...

Right there in that toilet stall Rachel Mason died all over again as for the second time in two months she had lost her one connection to the man she loved... The man she still loved and for the millionth time in her life she would never be as good as her sister...

Rachel had missed the welcome back assembly for the first time in her career at Waterloo Road. She could just imagine what people, namely Steph would be saying and she knew full well that they would know why she had gone off the rails and she knew that all the pupils would too. The breakup had been very public and it had torn her apart and now it was coming back to haunt her...

She wiped fiercely at her tears as she left the toilets not quite looking where she was going. She was barrelling her way back to her sanctuary when she careened into... a man.

"You might try looking where you're going." He said almost venomously.

"I'm sorry... I..." Rachel stifled her new stream of tears.

"Rachel Mason?" He asked abruptly.

"Yes." She replied.

"I see." He said and she knew from the tone of his voice exactly what he thought of her. [i] That's it. Turn the screw [/i] she thought.

"I'm sorry but who are you?" She asked him, passion and anger rising in her cheeks.

"I am Max Tyler." He replied his chest swelling in pride as he looked at her with disdain.

"Oh, the new Executive Head?" Rachel asked.

"Yes." He said proudly.

"Well then it's good to meet you, I'm sorry that I missed the assembly I was..." Rachel trailed not willing to share this with a man she barely knew and didn't particularly.

"Blubbing in the toilets?" Max asked.

"No I wasn't... I was..." Rachel flared.

"Being an emotional wreck because your boyfriend left you and your schools a mess." Max replied frankly.

"Look I don't know what you've been told..." Rachel started before he cut across her.

"The truth that's what I've been told... Amanda... I mean Rachel." Max told her viscously.

"How dare you!" Rachel exclaimed though she knew it was not wise to enter a professional battle with a man she had to work with for the year.

"Look I want you to be honest with me. If you feel like you're struggling you must tell me..." He told with what almost sounded like sympathy.

"I'm fine."

"Really? Because this is not what fine looks like Rachel. I've half a mind to call the LEA immediately and have you removed." Max spat.

"Listen to me – I am this place. Me. This is my school and you're not having it. I run this school. Have you got that?" Rachel matched his venom.

"I wouldn't be sure about that. I'll be watching you – closely. One mistake Rachel. Just one and that's it." Max told her making a cut throat motion.

"Don't you bloody well threaten me! You know nothing about this school. Don't judge me, don't judge me before you know some more." Rachel replied condescendingly.

"Oh now this is hardly a good start is it?" Max told her patronisingly.

"Why don't you just bloody BACK OFF _Max Tyler?" _Rachel shouted and she breezed past the rows of kids who had come out to see the commotion.

"One mistake Rachel, you won't last long." Max told her as he stalked off in the opposite direction.

Rachel sank into her chair and began to cry again. Oh God, oh God, oh God. This was going to be Hell. She was in Hell. She looked briefly up at her door which had been locked for an hour, during which time Kim had tried to console her through the door. She didn't want to see anyone, couldn't face anyone...

She flicked her eyes from her laptop which was switched off and the bureau on the left of her office. The bureau which he often stood up against.

"I wish you were here Eddie..." She whispered into the air.

_"But I'm here... I'm right with you." He seemed to be whispering back._

"But you're not... you're gone... why am I even talking to you? You're not here. I'm going mad... I must be..." Rachel rambled.

_"Open it Rachel, just do it – I can be here with you. Talk to me Rachel... Tell me what you're feeling." _He told her

"I can't... I promised." Rachel mumbled.

_ "Go on Rachel... just write to me... tell me... I miss you."_

"I miss you too... Maybe just one more letter..." She replied as she reached into her desk and pulled out the journal. She flicked through the pages looking for a blank one...


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey so hope you've enjoyed the fic so far... this is the last chapter I have right now but the next bit will be posted soon xx**

_8th September 2009..._

_Dear Eddie..._

_I can't do it. I can't do it anymore. I've tried but I just can't do it. I miss you too much and I really need to talk to you. I hope you'll listen to me..._

_It's the first day of the new term and still my heart is grounded in last term and what happened between us. Everywhere I look I feel like I can see you until I remember that you're gone and only the ghost of you remains. Your laughter and the way you used to look at me are just ghostly figments of my imagination. I am so angry with myself... I made myself a promise – that I would never write to you again and that I would move on but I can't. I feel like my head has moved past you but my heart is attached to you and it will not let go._

_I thought I was pregnant today. I thought that I was going to get to keep a little piece of you forever and that no one would be able to say I couldn't have it and that it wasn't mine.. But it turns out that's exactly what happened. Some divine being decided not to bless me with a child... with your child. I suppose that would relieve you – how would have coped knowing that you had fathered two children with two different sisters? I wonder whether you would have changed your mind if I had been pregnant. If I'm going to be honest I don't think you would have. Melissa and her child offer you the perfect life, whilst I offer you... nothing... dysfunctional love perhaps... but who would choose that over a fairytale? I certainly wouldn't and I wouldn't have expected you to either... you're just a man after all. I hope you know that if I had been pregnant I would have loved that child more than anything... Even if I didn't have you in reality I would have had a piece of you inside of me and that would have been enough for me..._

_I think I'm in Hell Eddie. I'm sitting here in this office and I feel all alone. I miss you so much that I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't tell you the things I'm feeling. It was so weird this morning coming here and not seeing your face. It doesn't seem like Waterloo Road anymore... I am all alone and I am fighting a battle. I am up against the media and I now I up against a new Executive Head who already hates me. He knows things about me and he's already made his judgement. I am not worth his time and I fear that he's going to do anything it takes to get me fired. That's why I really need you Eddie. I know that if you were here you'd tell me that I was good enough to run this school. You'd tell me that I'm the best Head teacher you've ever worked for and I would cringe. You knew how much I hated being complimented about my work and how low my confidence was and yet you still instilled these positive feelings in me and made me believe that I was worth it, that I was making a difference here. You'd tell me that this school is the way it is because I made it this way wouldn't you?_

_You would tell me to calm down and breathe and remember that I run this school – not some jumped up fancy boy Executive who probably doesn't even remember why he entered the profession in the first place... you'd tell me that the difference between him and me is that I care about the kids at this school and I want them to do well whereas he just wants to feel powerful._

_I know what you would do then. You'd walk across to me and wrap yourself around me, pulling me so close that there would be barely a millimetre between us and you kiss my neck and tell me that you loved me and that I was going to be ok, that I had survived everything this place had thrown at me so far and that Max Tyler was nothing more than another hurdle for me to step over. Then you wouldn't say anything else. You'd just hold me the way you had a million times before and suddenly I wouldn't feel so alone or afraid anymore and Max Tyler would seem irrelevant. You'd hold me tight and I'd feel like I was totally safe and that nothing could ever hurt me again and then I'd be Rachel again. I'd be your Rachel – the one you loved. I would know exactly how to handle Max Tyler and everything would be ok. I'd work hard and I'd sort Waterloo Road back out then I would lead the staff and the pupils away from all the bad things and we'd all be ok. It would have been ok Eddie because I would have known that you loved me..._

_But you're not here and I keep forgetting that don't I? I keep forgetting that I can't walk through the corridors to room M17 and see your face. I keep forgetting that you won't walk into my office when I need you most as if you can read my thoughts and you won't pull me into one of your hugs... because you're gone and I know that I'm being ridiculous to pretend that you're not but right now it's the only thing that brings me any solace._

_I'm sitting here at my desk staring at the door intently willing you to materialise. The worst thing in all of this is that I don't even know where you are. I have no clue whether you're still here in Manchester or whether you're even further away. I wish I knew. I wish I knew whether or not you were close to me. That would bring me at least some comfort because right now you feel a million miles away... Why did you have to go Eddie? Why did you have to leave me all alone?_

_Kim keeps knocking on the door telling asking me if I'm alright. I think that the question 'are you alright?' is possibly the stupidest question known to man. If a person was alright you wouldn't need to ask them would you? She keeps trying to get me to unlock the door – she says she wants to talk, to help but no-one can help me – no-one but you and even you're not real anymore are you?_

_I know it's irrational to think that I can just stay in here forever, but it's the only place I feel connected to you now. It's the only place I want to be. I keep telling myself that if I stay in here long enough then the world as I know it will cease to exist and I can go back in time to a place where I was happy where you still are. I keep telling myself that if I try hard enough, I can think you here. If I focus all my thoughts on your face maybe you'll just appear in front of me – then and only then do I feel like I would ever have the strength to open that door..._

_I can hear him. The demon Headmaster... He's pounding on the door and telling me to open it. He's telling me that he's going to count to ten and I have until then to open the door. Honestly you'd think I was a child wouldn't you? That's one of the tactics we'd employ for the diffusion of a 'situation' isn't it? Maybe Bolton or Earl or someone like that – someone who needed to be controlled. I don't need to be controlled and I refuse to let myself be controlled by a man who could never understand._

_I can't stay here with you anymore Eddie, I haven't got time to write anymore. I fear that Max has already called the men in white coats and a part of me doesn't care. That is the voice of the woman I have become I know, and deep within me, the part of me you left behind, wants to fight. The tiny fragment of Rachel Mason left in me wants to stop this man from taking away everything that I love. I have to go now because I don't want him to take you away from me as well._

_I know I shouldn't but I know that I will write again soon, but for now I have to go and fight this man. I have to go and fight for my school. I have to go and fight for myself..._

_Rachel._

* * *

London 2010.

Eddie couldn't believe that the letters in this journal could possibly get more heartbreaking but this next letter, the first letter post his absence was tearing him apart. He could tell that she was less than half of the person she had been when he had been there. The Rachel in the letter was alone and afraid and frightened. She was frightened of losing her school and her life and herself and he had done that to her. He had broken her.

He had almost forgotten to breathe when she had mentioned the suspected pregnancy. He couldn't believe that he had not been there to support her through that and a part of him had been sorely disappointed to find out that the result had been negative. If he had found out that Rachel had indeed been carrying his baby he would have raced home and been right there by her side. He wondered briefly if Rachel would have even told him if she had been pregnant. Of course she had told the him in this journal but he wondered if she would have told the real him – the Eddie who adored her and had been searching for a way back into her life, into his real life. He suspected that she would have kept it a secret. Particularly given the way she thought he would have just stuck with decision if she had been pregnant. Why couldn't she see that he adored her? Why did every letter sound like he hated her – that he thought she was worthless? _'You know the answer to that you idiot' _he thought himself and not for the first he realised that it was all his fault and he realised too, how much he loved her, how much he missed her and how much he wanted her to be the one he spent Christmas with.

The truth was that he had never stopped loving her. God knew that he had tried but he saw her everywhere, heard her voice in the silences which filled his days and he knew that however much this imagined Rachel may resemble the woman he loved, nothing could compare to being able to take her in his arms and tell her that he loved her more than life itself and he would give anything to be with her forever. But he had lost that privilege a long time ago and nothing could change that... or could it? ...

* * *

He peered out of the window of the tall building in which he worked and his mind wandered onto her again... What would she be doing now? Quite possibly tearing her hair out over Matt's crazy concert ideas (for he did not know that Matt had moved on) and filling out all the pre Christmas paperwork which would be piled high on her desk. He rather audaciously wondered whether she might be thinking of him. He always found that he thought of her more at Christmas, it being the traditional time for being with your family. They had spent one Christmas apart and it had been the worst Christmas of his life and he was heading for a second... He wished that he could turn back the clock and tell her that yes of course they would be fine because they loved each other and that would always be enough. But he couldn't. If there was one thing Eddie had learned, it was that you could never change the past – no matter how hard you tried. But you _could _change the future...

With this thought in mind, Eddie took one last fleeting look at the snow which swirled outside of his window. He knew that blizzard conditions were developing but that hardly seemed to matter. He shut off the lights in his office as he grabbed the journal.

* * *

He ran through the busy streets of London heading towards the train station. It would take a fair while to reach Manchester, but it would be worth it. It would give him a chance to read the remaining letters...

As Eddie boarded the train he had one thought in his mind... Rachel...

**_***" and I'm surrounded by a million people I, I still feel alone and let me go home oh I miss you, you know._**

**_Let me go home, I've had my run now baby I'm done I got to go home._**

**_Let me go home... It'll all be alright... I'll be home tonight... I'm coming back home..." ***_**

**A:N: All credit for the above lyrics goes to Michael Buble and his fantastic song 'Home'... I just thought it was fitting. **

**Let me know if you want to read anymore of this. **

**Love Michellexx**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey, so for anyone reading this here's the next part :) **

_Departing London 2010_

Eddie settled himself into a seat. It was a long journey and it was possibly the craziest thing he had ever done in his whole life but somehow, the adrenaline produced by his decision was stopping him from analysing his decision. He tried not to think about what would happen once he arrived in Manchester, tried not to think about where he would stay and how he was going to go about seeing Rachel again. For now, the most important thing was to stay focus on one goal at a time. Right now, his goal was to get home. When he had managed that he would think about what his next one would be.

He was not sure how she would react to seeing him again. The Rachel he had experienced in the journal was angry with him and he couldn't blame her, but at times she had seemed so afraid and alone and she had even gone so far as to say that he was the only one who could make her feel better. But Eddie knew that there were two Rachels. The one who wrote in the journal – the real Rachel who had been through so much and was so hurt, the Rachel who had thought that pouring her emotions into her little blue journal could heal her heart and make up for his absence. Then of course there was Rachel Mason. The woman she had been before she had let the walls around her heart fall down; The woman whose only interest was professionalism; The woman who cared first and foremost about her school and its success and disregarded anything even remotely personal. He hated to think that she might have become that woman again, but he wouldn't be surprised if he was faced with Rachel 'powerhouse' Mason when he returned. In fact, he would deserve it. He would deserve the frosty reception she was likely to offer him. He would take every insult and all the shouting in the world because he would truly deserve it. If it made her feel better then it would be worth it. Eddie would handle because on some level, letting her have her say would be like saying he was sorry and God was he sorry...

He thought about how he would feel when he saw her again. He suspected that his heart would be pounding in his chest and he would find it difficult to breathe. This had always been the effect she had caused in him. He imagined that all of his old feelings, his true feelings – the feelings he had felt for the entirety of the time they had been apart- would resurface and he would, for the millionth time, realise how stupid he had been. He knew that the moment he saw her with her fiery auburn hair and perfect rosy lips, he would fall in love again and that would simply break his heart. He was sure that she would have moved on, moved past him and that all of her feelings would again be buried deep within in her soul and she would be unreachable. If only he hadn't been so stupid...

He stared out the window for a while, his determination to get home stronger than ever. He had to see her, he had to know that she still existed because he could hardly remember himself without her. He had to tell her how much he loved her because it was the truth and Christmas was the perfect time to tell someone the truth...

He ran through the hundreds of things he wanted to say to her but he realised that nothing compared to the simplicity of the words "I' sorry' and "I love you." As long as he told her those things he could live in peace whether or not she chose to forgive him, he would know that she knew how he really felt about her and that was all that mattered to him.

The snow came down in heavy flurries and he prayed that the major blizzard that threatened the throbbing, pregnant sky would hold off just long enough for him to get home – to get to Rachel. He had missed Rochdale so much, he had missed the school so much but most of all he had missed her. Eddie had realised something when he had first gone to London. It didn't matter how many times he told himself out loud that his penthouse apartment there was his home, it never felt right. He had all the latest gadgets and gizmos and his home was much more decadent than his Rochdale house had been but still he had felt like he inhabited a shell – an empty void filled with meaningless artefacts of his forced success. Eddie might have been far richer than he had been as a Maths teacher, he might have commanded more respect but material richness and the colour of money could never replace emotional richness and the colour of love. That was all he really needed – emotional contentment and the love of the woman he worshipped. He realised then what many people failed to learn in a lifetime – that whoever had written _The Wizard of Oz_ had been right – there really was no place like home and for Eddie, his home was where his heart was – in Rochdale with Rachel...

He held onto to the picture of her beautiful smile as he took the journal out of the pocket of his overcoat. He had no luggage and nowhere to go but as long as he had this little book his heart could guide him through the storm... As long as he had this book he had a purpose...

He flicked it open to the page he had marked and noticed immediately the dried in tear stains on the page. His heart felt tight in his chest as he began to read the words on the page...

_Dear Eddie..._

_16th February 2010_

_I'm not safe anymore. I'm not safe here and I feel so afraid, I need you Eddie and you're not here._

**Hope you liked it - let me know **

**Love **

**Michellex**


	14. Chapter 14

Next part for you xxx

A.N: I know the dates might not match up but I have tried to get them about right xxx

_16th February 2010... _

_ Dear Eddie..._

_I'm not safe anymore. I'm not safe here and I feel so afraid, I need you Eddie and you're not here. I thought that in all of this the one safe place for me would be here in my home. I thought it would be the one place I would be able to come to escape but it turns out that I can never escape._

_Things have been really bad since the last time I wrote you Eddie. I have been stronger with myself and you'll probably notice that this is the first letter I have written you in months. That probably seems odd to you, but believe it's not because there haven't been things to write about – it's just that it hurts too much to know that I can never really tell you about the things I write. But right now, I've made an exception because I'm scared Eddie. I'm so scared that I barely recognise myself. How is it possible to be afraid in your own home? I thought that home was supposed be a sanctuary?_

_Max is evil. He rules the corridors of my school as if he owns it. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really low I tell myself that he does. Do you know that I think that would be easier? Maybe I should just surrender to him now rather than fighting every day. I know you would tell me to stay strong but I have nothing left Eddie. I have allies here anymore. Even Kim has turned against me because she seeing Max and she won't see sense. I just don't understand why she won't listen to me Eddie. There's so much evidence that Max is a bad person and yet she insists that if I try maybe I'll see the good in him. She says she loves him and that's what scares me. I don't want her to get hurt and that's why I did what I did... You would support me in my decision wouldn't you Eddie? If I tell you what I've done you'd tell me that I'd done the right thing wouldn't you?_

_I found out that Max is married. He's married and yet here he is making all kinds of plans for a life with Kim. It just didn't seem right or fair and Kim deserves better than that. I tried really hard to stay out of it, but she's my friend and I was keeping something from her and it started to eat me up inside. I had to tell her and she was furious. At first, I thought she was angry with me, that she was going to stick by Max and I'm sure a part of her wanted to but in the end she knew that she couldn't do it. She couldn't be his mistress, she couldn't be his little secret and she broke off her relationship with him. But still she didn't come and tell me that I'd done the right thing. In fact, she's been ignoring me and that's probably what I deserve – but I did it for a good reason Eddie – you can see that can't you?_

_I am alone. I am so alone that sometimes I wonder just how I am continuing to survive here. Everyone is against me and there is no-one here to tell me that I am the right person to run this school. There is no-one. There is no you. Do you know I'm starting to wonder if you were the only person who ever believed I could do this? I bet you were. None of my staff respect me anymore and without their respect how can I continue to run this school? Maybe I should just leave now whilst I've got the opportunity to maintain the tiny amount of dignity still left in me. That would be the easy option and I try to imagine what you would say if I told you what I was thinking. You'd tell me that this is just a low day, that of course I am still the head of the school and of course the staff still respect me and you'd tell me that none of it really mattered anyway because I had you and you believed in me and that was all that counted. But I keep forgetting that you're not here and try as I might, I can't think positively like you because there is nothing positive about this situation._

_I am losing it. I am losing myself and I am losing my school and soon I shall be lost forever to Max's dictatorship. I will be metaphorically executed and nobody will even remember my name. I can't seem to do anything of consequence these days and Max always overrules anything I support and I can't fight him anymore. I am tired and I am broken and I have nothing. I have no small victory and I have no hope of a large one. I have lost the battle and soon I will lose the war because I cannot fight anymore._

_You'd tell that this isn't me wouldn't you? You would say that the Rachel Mason you knew, the Rachel Mason you loved would not give up so easily. But the truth is this that I am not the Rachel Mason you knew or the one you loved. I haven't been her for so long that I have forgotten what she stood for and I have forgotten how she would act in this situation and the worst part is that I don't want to remember. How could I want to remember the me you knew when you're not here to see her return? What does it really mean without you? What does all of this mean? – The school =, my Headship, my life without you? It means precisely nothing._

_If you could see me now, you'd think I was pathetic. I am curled up in my bed in the pokey little flat I live in now and I am hiding. I left my house – the one you know – behind when I realised that your ghost lived in its walls. I would walk around it at night and I could hear you – laughing or teasing me, whispering the words "I love you" and I couldn't handle it. It was a museum to our relationship. I was surrounded by all the photographs and little love notes you sent me and I would almost die. Going to bed was the worst thing you know. When I laid down at night I swore I could feel your hands on my body – could feel you as you made love to me and yet you weren't there and never could be. My body would ache for you and I missed you so much that it became impossible for me to sleep in there. I had to get out and I did. I escaped to this little flat but now I've been found and I can't help but wonder if I would have been safer if I had just stayed with you in that house. At least there I would have felt warm again afterwards. At least there I would have felt you around me and I wouldn't feel so desperately alone like I do now._

_I knew he was evil, but I didn't know he was that evil. I didn't expect him to do this to me. But it turns out that he really loved Kim and I had to be punished for breaking them up. That's why he came here with his sharp threatening tongue and his evil smile. He wanted to remind me that I was all alone with no-one to rescue me and I'll tell you something – that's exactly how he made me feel._

_I tried to stop him Eddie. I tried to ask him to leave, I tried to make him leave but like I said I am not strong enough anymore. He easily over powered me and the next thing I knew he was in my house and I was backed against the wall and his grip on my wrists was so tight and I was so scared that I couldn't scream. His breath was hot and raspy and I still can't get its feel off of my skin. I thought he was going to... I thought he was going to... rape me Eddie and there would have been nothing I could have done about it. Seriously, I just closed my eyes and prayed that it wouldn't happen. I just thought about you coming in and rescuing me and sweeping me into your arms and keeping me safe but you didn't come and thankfully Max showed some mercy and after threatening me, he let me go and he left and I was frozen Eddie. I was frozen by my fear and my first thought was to lock the doors and make sure that he couldn't come back and then I sobbed. I am so frightened Eddie. I ran for my mobile and I actually managed to dial your number. It rang a couple of times and then your voice came over the answer phone "Hi you reached Eddie, leave a message" and I hung up immediately. I don't know what I had been expecting maybe that an operator or automatic voice would tell me that the number was no longer in use, but that wasn't the case. I simply got your voice and I can't tell you what a comfort that was to me._

_I didn't leave a message. Not because I didn't want to – believe me, I did but I couldn't find my voice. It seems that it has been stolen from me like so many things by the traumatic experience of having a man break into my house. I'll tell you something - if my murder is announced on the news do me a favour and send the police in Max's direction yeah? I shouldn't laugh about that but it is actually quite amusing. At least no-one could say I didn't know it was coming right? I didn't leave a message because I didn't know what to say. How did I even begin? "Hello Eddie – this is Rachel Mason – or at least I used to be, listen someone's just broken into my house and I'm really scared. Can you just forget about everything we've been through and come over here and give me a cuddle?"_

_No you would have thought I was pathetic. Although I've been wondering whether or not you would have come? Would you? Would you have come to my rescue Eddie? I'd like to think you would. That you would have heard my voice and you would have disregarded everything that has happened between us and come back to me. I would like to think to myself that you would have come here and swept me into your protective arms and held me until I stopped feeling so cold and alone. Then I'd tell you the one thing that I have been too scared to admit even to you in here, that I'm still in love with you and maybe, just maybe we would have been alright._

_But there I go again – living in a fantasy world of my own construction. I know that you couldn't come, that you wouldn't have come because the reality is that you've probably moved past this desperately needy woman and you would have probably thought I was stupid or pathetic or something and that's ok. For now, I'll just keep calling your mobile and listening to your voice and maybe, just maybe if I listen hard enough, you'll come back to me. Until then... Thank you for listening (Not that you've had much choice)_

_Rachel_

* * *

_ The train to London... _

Eddie gripped the journal tightly in his hands. He was so angry that the pulse at his jaw twitched madly. How dare someone hurt Rachel like that? No-one had the right to make someone else feel that way and Eddie hated that this _Max Tyler_ had managed to do exactly that – make Rachel – strong, confident Rachel feel like a vulnerable little girl again. It simply wasn't fair.

Eddie thought about what Rachel had said about being alone. He hated to think that his absence had caused Rachel to lose confidence in herself but he knew that it was true. He had made her feel that because he didn't want her, because he didn't believe in her ability to overcome the hurdle that had been Melissa, that no-one else would and slowly Rachel Mason had died. Of course, she still existed but it was debateable as to how much of the person he loved he would find when he got home.

This thought would have scared a lesser man and sent him running back to his hiding place. But Eddie was more certain about his decision now than he had ever been and his determination to reach her was strong. If one thing was for sure, it was that Rachel was screaming out to be rescued by the man she loved and that just happened to be where he fit in...


	15. Chapter 15

**A real day... **

20th May 2010

Rachel woke up with a start. The harsh light of the morning pierced her fitful dreams. Oh God. She rested her eyes against the bright light not quite ready to face the truth of what she had done. It hardly bore thinking about.

Her head was swimming and it had nothing to do with the amount of alcohol she had consumed last night. Of course, the staff had wanted to celebrate Max's departure in style – and for the teachers at Waterloo Road, that meant consuming copious amounts of alcohol beverages but Rachel had really not been that drunk.

_Contrary to what she had told a certain someone, Rachel had been quite sober and when he had made that outlandish declaration about fancying her, she had been flattered and this had inspired her to see how far she could push the boundary. It had been so unlike her but she had felt exhilarated that a man at least ten years her junior was flirting and expressing a desire to take things further with her._

_She had drained her wine and swallowed her fears and she had openly flirted with him. It had never been a good idea but then maybe that had been the point. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be. Maybe it was meant to be one of those things that happened to provide you with a moment's pleasure and a whole barrel of regrets._

_She had known it was a dangerously downward spiral the moment she had told him that she was "sober enough to know that it wasn't a good idea" and had immediately regretted it. She had been sitting watching as he practically offered himself for her personal pleasure and she was being so incredibly 'Miss Masonish' about the whole thing._

_She had to admit, she had been just a tad turned on when he had thrown that punch at Max but she knew it was wrong to feel any sort of lust for him. It was wrong to feel anything for him other than friendship and respect in a professional capacity. Besides, he was her deputy and she knew full well where staffroom affairs led – her heart was still broken from the last one. But this one could be different. She was already convincing herself of its differences. This wasn't about love; it could never be about love for Rachel Mason again. She had forgotten the meaning of the word and therefore how to go about feeling it. This time it could be about what she wanted and what she needed. It could be purely about sex. Rachel was of the opinion that if she said jump, he would say how high? This could be advantageous to her. She could make this last for however long she needed the satisfaction or she could do this just this one time and forget it. This idea seemed alien to her but she realised that she needed to be selfish for once. She needed to be selfish because it was the only way for her heart to heal._

_It had been this thought which had caused her to meet his eyes flirtatiously and invite him to make the suggestion... Minutes later they had been in a taxi and heading towards Branford Road and his lips were on hers and he was kissing her and it felt... nice. It wasn't a particularly good kiss, in fact it was decidedly over passionate and far too hungry compared with the sweet, tender kisses she had been used to. But in a way kisses like this seemed preferable to anything remotely reflective of his kisses. At least this way, there was no way she could be reminded of ... him..._

_She had simply done something she had never done before – she let go of her inhibitions and insecurities and she allowed herself to be controlled by him. It was only fair that it should be this way if she was going to control all other aspects of their 'relationship' from here on in. She would be controlling the amount of time they spent together this way and in all other ways. She would keep work strictly professional and no-one but them would ever know that this was happening..._

_She had allowed herself to be manoeuvred from the pavement and into his little flat without even noticing. They had stood there their chests heaving with pent up passion waiting to assess the other's next move, He had grabbed hold of her, seemingly thrilled that he was manipulating his boss in this way and they had ended up in his bedroom without even so much as a civil pleasantry or ill disguised "Do you want or coffee?" No Chris meant business, she could tell. He wanted to get straight to the point and quite frankly she liked it that way. No fuss, no loving consideration just raw passionate lust and hot sex. That sounded perfect to her and she just hoped that if he banged her hard enough she would forget about how much it made her heart ache to kiss another man – even like this._

_They had engaged in a few more passionate kisses whilst hastily removing each other's clothes. There was no care taken, buttons flew in all directions and she felt the rip of her blouse as he savagely tore it from her quivering body but she didn't care. There was plenty more Karen Millen in her wardrobe. She had ripped away his tie and frantically unfastened his trousers with an easy and practised zeal. There were no illusions – no confused looks, no well disguised hurt; Just the knowledge that they needed to be naked and quickly. As soon as this realisation had been made, it became the truth and the pair of them were suddenly exposed to each other. There was no mutual appreciation of the other's body as he threw her onto the bed with perhaps too much gusto and before she could even register the shock he was in her thrusting against with a savage passion as his teeth pulled roughly at her lips. She matched him beat for beat and pound for pound, screaming out her pleasure as he screwed her hard and rough... They had collapsed sometime in the early hours of the morning after they had both exhausted all of their energy and that was how she had come to be here now..._

* * *

She opened her eyes realising that she could not hide from her demons forever. It was true that the swooning of her head and the sickness in her stomach had nothing to do with alcohol, but Rachel could not deny that she knew exactly what was causing these feelings in her. She was feeling guilty. Terribly guilty that she had betrayed the ma she loved and filled regret that she has allowed this to happen. How could she have done this to Eddie – even if he only existed on the pages of her notebook now- that did not dissuade her regret and her guilt. She wished she could turn back the clock and stop what had happened.

Oh God. This was terrible. The light in the room was piercing her thoughts almost like some divine intervention shedding light on her indiscretion and her body throbbed. Mr Mead certainly had stamina but that was about it. This would certainly not be happening again. She couldn't handle the guilt. She felt like she had cheated on Eddie. She felt Chris's form next to her as tried to discretely wiggle into a sitting position without disturbing him. She needed to get out of here but she needed to do it quickly and without making too much noise. She pulled the sheet up over her naked torso realising that it was too late to be modest and blushing now. She had been positively wanton last night and had given him totally the wrong impression of herself. In fact, when Rachel thought about she really didn't feel far away from that young frightened girl who did whatever the men wanted and got paid for it before slipping out.

She moved the sheet aside and tiptoed across the room picking up her clothes from the dishevelled disarray on his floor. She stepped into her underwear and put on her blouse and skirt. The split up the back of her skirt was much more 'prominent' than she remembered and she couldn't do the blouse up there were no buttons left on it and she looked a mess. She slipped into her shoes and grabbed her jacket and bag and made for the door. She allowed herself one fleeting glance at his sleeping form and the brief smile she could make out before she left without leaving a note.

She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror in the hall and just for a second she had to do a double take just to make sure that seventeen year old Amanda Fenshaw hadn't reappeared after her activities last night... She slipped out feeling all the shame of the morning after the night before...

At home Rachel couldn't wash him off her skin. No matter how much she tried or how much soap she used, she could still feel his hands on her body and the imprint of his lips on hers. She felt so guilty for leaving him but she felt more guilty about what they had done together. She had defied her will and given herself to another man and now she couldn't ever get her integrity back. As she dressed in jeans and as t- shirt (her Saturday uniform) she realised there was only one thing to do.

She settled herself onto the sofa and sipped at the coffee she had just made. She took the familiar little blue journal and turned to a clean page. There really was only one thing she could do... She had to confess her sins...

_ 20th May 2010_

_Dear Eddie..._

_I am so sorry. I feel terrible. What can I ever do to make it up to you?_

She wrote and suddenly all of her guilt and regret poured out.


	16. Chapter 16

**The Letter... Hope you enjoy x**

_20th May 2010_

_Dear Eddie..._

_I am so sorry. I feel terrible. What can I ever do to make it up to you? I've done something stupid Eddie, something unforgivable and I don't know what I can do to make it ok again. I don't even know why I did it. But he was so nice to me and he defended me in front of our colleagues when Max was casually slandering my name and it made me feel like I was worth something again and that felt good._

_If I'm honest Eddie, he reminds me of you. Not just because he's my deputy (which makes the whole thing worse) but also because he cares about me. He doesn't love me like you did and I'm not going to be foolish enough to pretend that he does, but he cares and right now I really need someone to care about me. He rescued me from a really terrible time in my life and I was grateful. He flattered me. He's ten years younger than me you see, but he chose me – he wanted me and that made me feel good about myself. I know that you'll think that I'm shallow but I'm really not. It's just that I've been searching for someone who looks at me the way you used to, who makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the world he's looking at – and last night Chris did just that._

_I wonder what you're thinking now; now that you know his name. Are you imagining him with a pitchfork and horns Eddie? I hope you're not because Chris really isn't a bad person. He's sweet and he's kind and in a way I really think he envisaged spending more time with me but the truth is simple – he's not you and he ever will be and I was stupid to think that I could ever replace you._

_I did it because I was lonely Eddie and I didn't want to feel that way anymore. You can understand that can't you – even if you're not in the same situation you can empathise with the desolation that surrounds me can't you? You would have been able to when you were 'my' Eddie, but I guess I'm no longer entitled to assume your emotions. Maybe you wouldn't understand loneliness, maybe you never will again. You're probably happy with Melissa and your child aren't you? You probably discarded any notion of me or life without me the moment she tossed her blonde curls in your direction again didn't you?_

_Maybe that's too harsh of me, but I'm just highlighting our differences. We are poles apart and we always were. That's why we were foolish to ever imagine that we could have anything more than a fling. That's what it was of course, it could never be called a love affair – it didn't last long enough. Perhaps it was my fault - maybe I didn't say I loved you as much as I should have. But you have to understand Eddie – those words- those three little words, were so difficult for me to articulate, particularly because I never understood what they meant until I met you. Do you know how powerful that kind of emotion is? It knocked me off my feet and that's why a year after we ended, my heart is still broken. That's why I did this Eddie – because you're not here._

_It wasn't like I imagined it would be. I hoped that being with another man would help me to forget about you, but I was wrong. It only made me miss you more. Chris didn't understand me that way you did. He didn't understand my fear of kissing, of being that intimately connected to a person. He possessed my lips as if it were his last chance and he didn't convey any level of affection beyond a pure, passionate lust and that just made me feel empty inside._

_I had hoped that when the time came for me to find another man, I would be so swept away by his love and affection for me that I would totally forget how much I still love you and I would stop missing you. But it turns out that all I could think about was you. As Chris tried to take me to places I had not experienced before, my heart was grounded by you. All I could see was you. I tried to pretend that it was you kissing me. You taking my clothes off, you making love to me – but it were no good. It wasn't you and it didn't feel right – but still I let it continue. I think I thought that in the morning it would all be alright and I'd feel happy with my decision but again I was proven wrong._

_All I feel now, as I sit here curled up in a ball on my sofa is regret. Is it possible to cheat on someone you're not even in a relationship with anymore? Probably not, but that's what I feel like I've done and it feels terrible. It's stupid to feel this way I know, because you're not even here but I love you and I can't forgive myself. All I know for certain is that it will never happen again, because I just feel cold. I don't feel satisfied or warm or appreciated the way I was when I was with you. I miss you Eddie. Why can't you just come home? Why can't you come home to me and tell me that everything's going to be alright – that we'll be alright? That's all I want you know- that's all I hope for. I just want you to come home and take me in your arms and hold me like you used to and then I'd be ok. I wouldn't feel like my world is falling apart._

_I don't know how I'm going to face him Eddie. It will take all of my strength. I ran out on him because I was ashamed of what I had allowed myself to become again and he will never understand that I am a dysfunctional human being, he will never accept my past and make allowances for my lack of commitment the way that you did and I realise now that you were special – your ability to forgive my sins and my emotional issues made you so special Eddie. You're the only man who knows how to love me in this world and you're the man I want to love in this world._

_I'm sorry I'm rambling on like this again. You must be tired of hearing me say that I'm going to stop writing and then doing just the opposite, but I realised last night that I just can't get over you Eddie Lawson. You're the only man I could ever want and that sounds pathetic because I know I can never have you again. You will never be mine and that hurts so much. But that's the thing about love – it isn't always sunshine and roses is it? Sometimes love hurts and let me tell you – this love – our love, my love for you is excruciating. I will suffer the pain for the rest of life but it hardly seems to matter, I know in time, the pain will dull. I would suffer this pain for an eternity if it means being close to you because a life without loving you is no kind of life at all._

_I truly am sorry for what I have done Eddie. I hope that in time you will come to understand it and you might just try to forgive me – though I'll understand if you can't find it in your heart to do that. I just realised something Eddie, being with Chris wasn't to help me escape you – it was to help me feel close to you again and I do. I love you even more today than I have in a while and I will love you forever._

_I hope that you can see that I'm still your Rachel. _**On the train...**

* * *

Eddie felt empty. Not because she had... been with another man, he had no right to assume that she would avoid relationships or even sex for the rest of her life... it was just that he _could_ empathise with her loneliness. He knew how it felt to wander around in his life post Rachel searching her out in other women. He knew what it felt like when on the odd occasion, he saw a glimmer, a ghost of her lingering around something other fiery haired woman and he knew what it felt like to know that she would never be enough, that she could never replace the woman his heart pined for.

Again, he was surprised by Rachel's sheer misjudgement of him. How could she have assumed that he would have fallen into a life with Melissa and their child? He had known even on_ that_ day that he would never love another woman, much less Rachel's sister, the way he loved her and now he realised that this had in fact been his biggest mistake.

He should have reassured her that he did not want a life with Melissa on that day. He should have told her that of course, he would play the role of dutiful father and pay Melissa her child support, but that he wanted to make his relationship with her work. He should have told her that they could make it work, that the baby did not have to halt the beginnings of their own life together. He should have asked her the question he had been saving for the failed 'holiday of a lifetime' right there in front of the school and he should have waited a lifetime for her to see that he was serious. But he had done the cowardly thing; he had run away when the thought of what Melissa could do to their lives had been too much to think about...

He could understand her regret because that's exactly what he felt now. He wasn't angry or disappointed or jealous in the ways she seemed to think he would be. No, what Eddie felt now was sorry... as sorry as she had been in the letter. He was sorry that he had not been there to rescue her from Max Tyler, or been there to hold her in the way she wanted... He just hoped that he was not too late to put at least one of these things right...

As the train sped towards Rochdale, Eddie looked down at the little blue journal which had for the past god knew how many hours, represented his connection to her. He realised that he had read the majority of the letters and he did not have all that many pages left to go. He found his mind wondering what the last letter would say and part of him didn't want to find out... but he knew he had to. In the mean time he would read the remaining letters and savour the connection to her in the hope that when he got home, she would still have more to say...

He flicked over the page and looked down at her neatly curving script.

_6th June 2010..._

_Dear Eddie,_

_This is so hard to say, but I think I've met someone else... _

He swallowed the words bitterly, noting not for the first time since reading this journal, the feeling of his heart breaking...

**Just to let you know, I am trying to finish this before tomorrow;s episode because I don't want to be influenced in anyway... Although I have to work this afternoon I will do my best to upload most of the updates when I get home. Thanks for reading. **

**Love Michelle xx**


	17. Chapter 17

**The actual day... Thanks for the reviews ladies... **

_17th December 2010... Waterloo Road._

The whole school was buzzing. It had been a difficult year as always and although academically speaking they were only taking a pause for Christmas, Rachel always liked to assess her school in terms of a calendar year. From January to December... what had been the triumphs and what had been the 'slip ups'? (Because she refused to label them failures.) Everyone – staff and pupils were far more tired than usual. Perhaps it had to do with all the emotional stress the school had been placed under since the merger and the arrival of the dictator... no... She meant the Demon Executive Headmaster from Hell... otherwise known as Max Tyler. No-one could deny that Max's omnipresence had negatively impacted the school... but now he was gone and the school was slowly but surely shining through the shadow that he had cast.

The school was buzzing because it was the last day of the autumn term and quite frankly Rachel had never been gladder to reach the end of term. It had been tough but there had also been so much to be pleased about. After Max had gone, things had started looking up for her. She had regained control of the school she loved and her personal life had improved. After that little 'blip' with Chris, Rachel had gotten herself back on track and her life was coming together. Everything was changing and whilst she was looking forward to her future, a little part of her wanted to hold onto her past. A little part of her missed stoic, professional Rachel and all the things she valued.

She sometimes looked in the mirror and didn't recognise the person she had become. She wouldn't necessarily say that was a bad thing – it was just different. She was so used to staring at her reflection and seeing only sadness and loneliness, now when she looked she saw a light breezy woman who went about life with a casual attitude... but sometimes, in her darker moments, when she missed_ him_ so much that it hurt she couldn't help but wonder if people realised that she had only adopted yet another mask. A crowd pleaser – one which allowed her to survive in her new life when inside her world was crumbling.

It wasn't that she was unhappy, in fact Rachel was more than satisfied by her new life but sometimes she just missed the old her and her old life. Sometimes it was just too difficult to imagine letting _him_ go. That was why that last letter had been the most difficult to read. It had been a goodbye. The last goodbye. The only real goodbye in the entire collection of letters. It was final. It was the irreversible severing of the connection she had maintained with him and their life together and now it was literally gone. She couldn't find the journal anywhere and she really needed to. She hated to think about the consequences should it be found.

She was sat in the staffroom now taking a rare break before the rush of the afternoon's 'carol concert' and the ensuing festivities of this evening's 'party'. She would never usually have come in here but since embarking on the Rachel renovation she had made more of an effort to socialise with the staff. It helped... it really helped. She nursed a cup of coffee from Ruby's posh machine and mulled everything over in her mind. She felt content with her life now which was much more than she could have said at the beginning of the year but was contentment really a good enough substitute for true happiness. She wasn't sure, but if she was honest she wasn't up for the contemplation of such big, philosophical questions on a day like today.

She had made up her mind and that had been her choice. Rachel wasn't one of those people who believed that everything was pre-determined to happen whether you liked it or not, she believed in causality by free will. She believed that her choices influenced the outcomes in her life and she was happy enough with that. Of course, she had made some pretty big mistakes in her time and most of them hardly bore thinking about but she did not believe that her most recent choices were to be classified as mistakes.

She was certain that this way her life would always be steady and calm and she would always have affection and this was massively preferable to a life of desolate loneliness wherein her only confidant lived between the pages of a pointless little lost journal. At least if she was this Rachel, the one that everyone including Steph, liked then at least she would be surrounded by people who appreciated her and wanted her in their lives. That was why she chosen this life for herself and whilst there were things that this choice could not offer her, Rachel was quite happy to ignore those and just think about all the things she did have or soon would have.

She was so lost in her train of thought that she did not even hear the entrance of her friend into the staff room. That was why when Kim spoke Rachel nearly jumped right out of her skin.

"Whoa! Kim you scared me." Rachel half laughed, though her heart was pounding in her chest.

"Sorry – you were miles away... are you alright?" Kim asked her friend with a mildly humoured laugh.

Rachel might have been putting on a good show for everyone else, but Kim was the one person she could not fool. She had noticed her friend's forced smiles and uneasy laughs. She had been aware of all the furtive glances and stifled sighs. She could past the glimmering light in Rachel's eyes right into her soul and she could see the dammed river of tears which were not being allowed to fall. It caused her pain to see her friend like this but she knew that Rachel had chosen this life for a purpose and she was not about to argue with that.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Glad it's the end of term..." Rachel mused nonchalantly, finding it difficult to meet Kim's eye.

"Rachel, you know what I meant – are you ok about all of this? You know, it's a big thing." Kim replied brushing off Rachel's intricately designed cover up.

"Of course I am. I'm a grown up Kim – I think I know what I'm doing." Rachel laughed easily.

"But is it what you want?" Kim asked her, avoiding bringing Eddie's name into the conversation for the time being.

"Of course it is – do you really think I'd be doing all of this if it wasn't?" Rachel asked in mock disbelief.

"I don't know would you? Would you do anything to make us believe that you're ok Rachel?" Kim asked her sadly.

"You don't know what you're talking about Kim." Rachel bristled.

"I'm just worried about you Rachel, is this really the way to get over...?" She trailed off, realising how close she had come to betraying her true feelings on the subject.

"Eddie? Is that what you were going to say? Do you really think this is about him? Is that what you think I would do?" Rachel was close to losing it now.

"No, no of course not... it's just that I know how hard all this had been on you that's all. I come in peace I promise. I'm happy for you Rachel – really I am, I just want you to be sure." Kim told her friend, holding up her hands in mock surrender.

"Well I am." Rachel told her indignantly.

"Good." Kim half smiled.

"Good." Rachel told as she got up, dumping her coffee cup in the dishwasher.

"So I guess I'll see you at the party later then Rach?" Kim asked her, shortening her friend's name in a further sign of ultimate surrender.

"I guess you will Kim." Rachel said as she stormed out of the staffroom.

* * *

In her office Rachel was blazing with all the anger she felt. How could her friend – her one true friend here think those things about her? Did she really walk around giving people that impression? What did that say about her?

She had made the right decision. She knew that. She knew because it just felt so right. There was not even the slight possibility that she had done this on the rebound as a healing mechanism for her still broken heart. But the more Rachel thought about it the more she realised that what she had just thought was to the detriment of her future life. How could she even begin to imagine moving on with her life if her heart was still breaking for a man who had been gone for so long. How could she commit to this if she still loved Eddie? It was the ultimate betrayal and she couldn't decide just who she was betraying more Eddie, herself or... Adam.

When she thought about him, the new man in her life, she felt warm inside in a way she had not felt since Eddie had left. When he looked at her she felt like the only woman in the world and she knew that he loved her. So why did she feel like there was a 'but...' hanging in the air as an unspoken addition to her thoughts?

She felt safe and she felt happy and she had a life most women would envy. Her man loved her and he would do anything for her and if she was totally honest she found him incredibly sexy... everyone said they were 'the perfect couple' and they seemed to fit together really well but still... there was something missing. It had absolutely nothing to do with Adam, he did everything right – it had more to do with her and the fact that she could not seem to commit to him in the fullest sense. She wanted to... she really wanted to but she just felt like only half her heart was with him and this saddened her.

She wanted to be with Adam. She really wanted to be with him, but she feared that soon he would realise that she was distanced from him and he would end things before she got the chance to show him that she was serious about him.

She closed her eyes and pictured him, the man she was in a relationship with. She could see him clearly in her mind's eye – his face smiling as she said something which amused him or when she just needed as hug and she realised that in her hesitancy to let him in she could be risking something, someone amazing in her life.

She remembered that day when she had come down to the kitchens and seen him sitting there waiting for the hard hitting headmistress he had 'read so much about' and she recalled with ease his delightedly confused smile when she had walked into the room. Amanda Fenshaw the woman who had shown him pity and later affectionate friendship when he had been 'different'. Amanda Fenshaw whose sexual allure and then occupation had not altered his perception of her. Good, sweet Adam Fleet who had looked her in the eye the day she had told him that he was not the only man she slept with at the age of eighteen, but that he was the only man she didn't charge. She had grimaced and been embarrassed and ashamed of herself when she had been forced to tell him, the man who had quickly become a friend and then a lover, that she was a prostitute but he had looked her in the eye and told her that it didn't matter – that he loved her and he didn't care what she had done and it had broken her heart to know that contrary to what sweet Adam Fleet thought, that night she would leave his house and go out to make more money. Not because she wanted to, in fact she had wanted nothing less, but because she had a teenage sister to support and rent to pay and she had no choice.

Of course, after that they had lost touch. There were a number of reasons for this – firstly because Adam had left Manchester to study domestic science and food hygiene in London and secondly and perhaps most importantly, Amanda had been imprisoned and had then disappeared only to be reborn as Rachel Mason and all of those things in her past including Adam Fleet had been discarded.

Until that day when he had showed up for that interview with his brand new physique and brand new attitude and enveloped her in a hug. It had been like coming home. It had been a hug which said I know what you were and I know you're not that anymore. I was a hug of forgiveness and a hug of friendship. It was a hug which told her that despite all of her soul searching everything would be alright and she believed, if only for that day that just maybe it would be.

That was why when the first kiss happened, that first kiss after the years apart – the one she had instigated – it had felt so right, so natural and so comforting that she felt like everything was right in her life. Kissing him had felt so wonderfully simple and her heart had pounded and suddenly she wasn't lonely anymore – she had a friend and he was a friend who wanted more, if the way he had kissed her back was anything to go by.

Then of course there had been that proposal – it had been so perfect and so far away from all the hurt and all the pain of her previous relationship and in that moment she had loved him with the whole of her heart and just for that day and that night she had been free. She had been free of Eddie Lawson and she had been able to make slow love to her fiancé without guilt for the first time they had been together and it had been so good and Rachel had felt so whole and so normal that it had barely seemed real... but it was and they were getting married on New Year's Eve and tonight was her hen party and soon there would be no going back and despite all her doubts and her unfaithful love letters to the man she really loved, Rachel could not bring herself to let go of the only good thing in her life... but the biggest question of them all was whether she could actually bring herself to say the words 'I do' to Adam whilst she was still desperately in love with Eddie... It would be a question which only time would answer... If only she had her journal, perhaps a clean page would magically appear and she could write to Eddie seeking his advice, but how you ask a man you truly loved how to marry a man you were also in love with? It simply wasn't done but that didn't stop her from wondering what Eddie would have told her to do...

_'What should I do Eddie? Do I choose you or should I marry Adam?'_ She asked him in her head. Just what should she do?

If only she had known that barely an hour away, on a train all the way from London, was the very man who could answer her question and he was at that precise moment reading the very letter which would help him tell her the answer...

**Hope you liked more very soon – I know it's taken me a while.**

**Love Michelle x**


	18. Chapter 18

**Thanks for the lovely reviews - I appreciate them so much, so this fic is now in it's final stages, so it is my mission to upload the remaining updates (once they are written) before 8pm tonight so that I am not influenced in any way by the occurences in the final two episodes. Let me know what you think.**

**Love Michellexx**

**Hmm that fateful letter... what will Eddie do?... **

_6th June 2010._

_Dear Eddie,_

_This is so hard to say, but I think I've met someone else. In fact, I don't think it, I know that I have. He's not someone new either, in fact I knew him long before I ever became Rachel Mason. We were friends when I was her, the woman I so despise – we were friends when I really needed someone to tell me that it didn't matter what I did, he didn't mind because he could see past it. At first, I pitied him – I'm not going to lie, but then I saw the kind of person he was and we became more than friends. You probably don't want to know all of this but I feel like I should tell you anyway. It hardly seems fair to be writing to let you know that our relationship has to end now because I've started seeing a new man and then not tell you a bit about why I'm with him._

_I don't want him to be some faceless, nameless reason for you to hate me more than you already must after some of these letters, so it seems only right to tell you that his name is Adam Fleet and he works at the school. He's the head chef and healthy eating coordinator in the kitchens- Just to put things in context. I know that it's probably a bad idea to start another workplace relationship after the disasters that have been the last two 'encounters' I've had here. The first of course is you and the second is that stupid mistake I made with Chris – and though before I would never have called our relationship a disaster, I can see now that after Melissa, we were never going to work were we? I want to be honest with you Eddie – I am scared to start things properly with Adam because I still feel things for you, powerful things – but at the same time I know that you are not here and if you are being a grown up like I know you are, then I know that you will not mind that I have found someone who makes me happy again._

_Adam is not you. I want us to be clear about that and now I realise that I would never want him to be you. You're too special to replace in my life and I value everything about the time we spent together both as friends and more importantly as a couple. That's the one thing I want you always to remember – it doesn't matter where our lives take us and how far apart we may be, I know a part of me -a piece of my heart will always be bound to you and that brings me great comfort. I know that I'm assuming that you think fondly of me and perhaps that is wrong of me, but I hope that at least a small part of the Eddie who loved me is still within you – however hidden it may now be._

_I wish I could see you one last time, just to say goodbye properly. It seems wrong to do it this way – to write it down in a journal as a letter you will never get the chance to read- but there is nothing else I can do. I don't know where you are. I know that if I really tried hard I could probably find you, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that if I find you again I won't be able to let you go because I'll realise that I'm still in love with you and then my life will be turned upside down again. Does that sound stupid? What I'm basically saying is that I'm avoiding being an adult just because the power of my adult emotions frightens me._

_Is it really ok to be starting a new relationship when I'm so confused? I don't know, but I know that I should make a decision – and quickly. In fact, I know that I already have. I love him Eddie. That breaks my heart to tell you, but it's true. He makes me feel alive again, he reminded me that there is more to my life than just Waterloo Road and that's something I had forgotten since you left. I've missed me Eddie – I've missed being a person who feels and loves and laughs – I've missed being Rachel – just Rachel, not powerhouse Mason, not the head teacher I have to be when I'm at work, just a woman enjoying life and the love of a good man again._

_I know that you must be confused by now. I know that in my previous letters I made it sound like I could never love again and I really believed it. But it turns out that my heart was just waiting for the right man to come along and show me how to feel it again and he's here Eddie, he's not you but he's here and I want to hold onto him._

_I don't like to think that you'd be saddened by my news. I would like to think that you'd be happy for me, that you'd realise that it wasn't really practical for me to love you so intensely forever. Of course I will love you forever, but that doesn't mean that I can't love Adam enough to be happy and to make him happy. It's really important that you know that Eddie – I wouldn't want you to think that I was discarding our relationship but I do have to move on. You did, and now it's my turn and that makes me feel warm and full in my heart and in my soul. I no longer feel like my life is ending because you're not here, but I do miss you Eddie Lawson._

_I wish we could have parted as friends. I know it would have been difficult to do but it would have been better than not knowing where you are or how you are. I wonder if you're close or if you're far away from me. I know that I've wondered that a thousand times but my curiosity has never faded. I think I will always wonder, I will always be curious to know whether all this time, all this time I've been missing you and wanting you and loving you, you've been as near to me as you ever were or whether my feelings could have ever gone the distance. I guess I will never know for sure but I will always wonder._

_So now you know. There's not much else I can say. This feels like the last letter, the last goodbye but somehow I know there is still more to say and besides there's still room in this journal and it hardly seems right the three years of letters should end without some final comments to fill the book. I hope you're happy Eddie because right now I'm in a good space, I feel like my future is becoming clear again for the first time in so long and I'm so happy. I just hope that wherever you are, you are loved the way that you deserve to be and that you are happy._

_I just want you to know that I'm glad I started this journal; I'm glad that I wrote all this down. You should know that even in your absence, you have helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. In this way, I know that you will always be my friend, my guiding star in the darkest of my days and I really do love you._

_Rachel. _

* * *

_ On the train... _

Eddie was shocked into a strange kind of daze. Never in his imagines of all the possible receptions he would receive when he eventually got home had he considered that she would be with someone else. He supposed he should have been expecting that really, he could never realistically have selfishly imagined that she would wait for him forever. But that had been what he had been doing. He would have waited an eternity for her whilst she had moved on... whilst she had moved on with someone else.

Did that mean that his feelings for her had always been and would always be stronger than hers for him? It was one possibility but the one thing that was a clear as day in that letter was that Rachel, his Rachel still loved him on some level. So maybe her new relationship just meant that she had the ability to realise that they lived in reality and the reality was that they were not together anymore and there were hundreds of miles between them, both literally and metaphorically. Rachel had always been grounded in the reality of things. She had always judged her actions by their realistic outcomes, whereas he had dreamed of fairytales and utopia. This had never seemed like an issue before now – in fact it seemed preferable to resigning oneself to a life of a lonely loveless existence. But it was also the reason why now, as she was in Rochdale a woman loved and in love, he was sitting here in limbo somewhere between places, breaking his heart.

He knew that Rachel was not to blame for the pain which tormented his poor heart. In fact he knew that in his refusal to fight for the woman he loved he had caused this. He had caused himself great unhappiness and he had caused her immeasurable pain. But somehow Rachel had found it within her beautiful soul to forgive him and had slowly but surely opened her heart to love again and he was glad about this, but it didn't stop him loving her and realising that it was unlikely that this love would ever be returned.

He really didn't know what to do now. He looked down at his watch. He had been on this train for hours but they had not been lonely hours. Whilst reading the letters, Eddie had been crazy enough to imagine that she was occupying the seat opposite him reading him all of her feelings in her sexy honey tone voice and for those hours, it had seemed like nothing had ever changed between them because she was Rachel and he was Eddie and they were coming home together, they were coming home for Christmas. He had been delusional enough to imagine that she was going to be accompanying him to his parents' house as he made a surprise 'I'm home early and I'm staying for good' visit. But now he realised that no amount of fantastical thinking could ever make it real again.

He had about forty minutes left of his journey and he had not noticed the passage of time at all. It had always been that way with her – they could have spent hours together and yet it felt like mere seconds, it was never enough – there had never been enough time to do all the things he wanted to do, to say all the things he was desperate to say and now it seemed his time had run out...

There was no turning back now. He had made his decision and though this new revelation had caused his heart to break all over again, he knew he had to see her one last time. He had to see her, to see her face and know that she truly was happy and then he could say that final goodbye knowing that no matter how far apart they were that she was happy and he would always be her friend. He just hoped that when he got home she would want to talk to him long enough to allow to utter the last goodbye...

His heart was heavy and his body was tired but Eddie knew that there was not much further to go. Soon he would be home and he would know for good... With this small glimmer of hope in his heart Eddie turned over the page and began to read the last love letter from Rachel Mason...

**So I think it's time for the final letter, the question is of course, do you want it? and what will happen once the letters end and reality begins... only time will tell ;) **

**xx**


	19. Chapter 19

**Right ok, so this is the last letter... Thank you for sticking with me on this despite the confusing time jumps. Never fear, there will be more as the letter end and reality takes over but what's going to happen?**

**A/N: You'll notice we've come full circle – we're back to the beginning but we're not at the end yet! So hold on just a little bit longer... **

**P.S: Lyrics are boldened x**

1st December 2010

Rachel Mason picked up her pen with a quivering hand. She had known this moment was coming for weeks, months even but now that it was here, she wasn't sure she could do it. Doing this now seemed like she was wavering goodbye to everything she held most dear in life and she knew that in a way she was. Not only was she going to be finishing the journal with its years of love letters, (which by all accounts had actually been less like love letter and more like depressing monologues) but she was also recognising that she had to say goodbye to the man for and about whom those letters had been written. Further to this, Rachel felt like she was saying goodbye to herself – the woman who had been so in love with him that it hurt, the woman who had been so desperately lonely and afraid and the woman that she had buried deep within herself and tried to ignore. It wasn't that she was dishonest with her friend's and with her fiancé; it was just that she wasn't her full self and that was an important distinction for Rachel. The only person she was dishonest with around them was herself.

She could pretend that this new life offered her richness and fullness and complete fulfilment but that was one of her biggest lies. It was a sheer display of her stubbornness that she could not admit even to herself that she felt lost. Rachel could spend all day smiling and wandering about care free, she could kiss Adam openly in the school and she could handle the wolf whistles of those pupils who had noticed the change in her but at the end of the day she felt like she had lost her grounding and in that process lost who the 'real' Rachel Mason was. It felt wrong to feel this way about herself when in all other ways she was completely happy. But there was something missing.

She spent less time worrying about school in her free time and more time feeling loved up with Adam. He was perfect for her. He understood her but he also challenged those parts of her which still showed signs of hesitancy and a lack of commitment. He made her trust him and so far, he had not done anything to make her feel like he was going to go back on his promise. So far he had not done anything to hurt her. Realistically, Rachel was terrified of this fact. Was it possible to be so happy and have everything she wanted in life? She wasn't sure, but she certainly wasn't foolish enough to liken her new life to a fairytale.

It was so strange for Rachel. All of this, the person she had become, the fact that she was getting married – the fact that it was happening so soon just didn't seem real. Perhaps that was the reason why she had taken to labelling life with Adam as her 'new life'. When she really thought about it, she knew that she had not been reborn or given a second chance at life so it seemed mildly ridiculous to compartmentalise her life into 'old' and 'new' boxes but that was what she was doing. She supposed that this was a small part of 'old' Rachel she simply could not let go of.

There were of course other parts of her old self that she found it difficult to let go of but these were slowly becoming easier to deal with. They were things like being scared to say she loved Adam because she afraid he wouldn't say it back, and there was always that nervousness when they made love – Was it ok? Was she good enough? Was she they way he remembered? Did he like it? She didn't know if any of these doubts and lapses in her confidence would ever fully disappeared but slowly he was reassuring her that it was going to be alright, that he loved her exactly the way she was and that he would always love her and suddenly she was so afraid anymore.

Now there was just one more part of her old life she had to let go and it was going to be the hardest thing she had ever done. She had to let Eddie go. She had been holding onto him for so long that she could hardly dare to contemplate a life without him, but she realised that she could not start her new life, that she could not marry Adam until she had said goodbye to Eddie. A lasting and resounding goodbye, not a half empty promise never to write again, but a solemn and binding promise that this was the end – one last letter to tell him that today, right now he was the past... But it was so hard...

She had stopped thinking of Eddie everyday and she had noticed that as she grew consciously closer to Adam, her subconscious pulled further away from Eddie Lawson. She had barely felt the twist of separation and she supposed that this was a good thing, but she was aware of it. It became more and more apparent as the days turned into months that her heart was attaching itself to Adam and she was pleased about this but she still missed Eddie and she was still unsure about her feelings for him.

Of course, she was not so foolish as to believe that anything would ever happen between them again but she still felt a bond greater than friendship with him. It didn't hurt so much to think his name or try to imagine his face and that fact was perhaps what hurt the most. But now, sitting here with the task of severing her connection and finalising their separation in front of her, she found that her head was only filled with thoughts of him.

She took the little blue journal out of her drawer and placed it on the desk in front of her. She looked down at it with a fond appreciation. It had offered her so much comfort over the years since she had started it, so it was saddening to think that today the pages would run out and there would be no further comfort to be given by this little book. Her thoughts on this journal were bittersweet. Some days she hated it passionately for housing her deepest, darkest emotions but other days she was filled with gladness that it was a place she could turn to when no one understood – when she just needed to know that Eddie had existed in her world and continued to exist beyond it... She flicked through the pages, careful not to linger too long on any one page or read any of the words, until she reach the final double sided page. She had to do it – she had to do it now. She took the lid off her pen and began to write...

_Dear Eddie,_

_This is it – the last letter. It has been a crazy journey but I'm glad I took it. Every minute of it has been worth it Eddie – all the tears and all the joy, the sadness and the desperation – it's all been worth it because at least you know how I feel now. I know that in my first letter I told you that these were going to be love letters and I know that most them turned out to be more like rants, but I hope that you can see that whilst the letters themselves may not necessarily fit the conventions of the genre I gave them, I did and do love you._

_You know what this letter means – we both do and there's no point in pretending that it means anything different. It means that we've come to the end of our journey Eddie. You and I have to be honest with ourselves and each other – we can go no further. There is nothing left for us now other than to say that we enjoyed our time together but that we must move on._

_Things have changed so much for me since the start of this journal. I have changed as a person and I have changed the people around me. That was the realisation I came to only last night when I began thinking about this – what I am doing now – writing this letter to you. I am no longer stoically professional, there is more to me than just my job and that makes me so happy. I think you'd like me more now, I think if you were to walk back through my office door now you wouldn't recognise me but you'd recognise that I'd be happy to see you._

_I'm smiling now as I imagine you coming through my door and just saying hello in that way that always made me feel like you were glad to see me. I know if you came through my door now there would be no bitterness or ill feeling – I would just be glad to see you – my Eddie, I would be glad to see that you'd come home._

_I'm trying to write this whilst closing my eyes and imagining you leaping off my page and into reality so that you could see me now and know that I am happy and I could say all these things to you in person, in reality. I'm really glad that I got to meet you Eddie you're a special sort of person and anyone who meets you should certainly count themselves lucky. I do. I hope you know that. I was lucky to meet you, perhaps you will never understand how much I mean that but it's true._

_There's one big thing that I wanted to tell you and I don't want you to feel sad or hurt or angry – I want you to try to be happy for me because I am so happy. I'm getting married Eddie. Can you believe it? Me getting married! I know it might seem rushed to you, but I really love him Eddie and he makes me feel so good and so alive that I thing to do._

_That's why I have to write this letter and why this has to be the last one. I have to grow up, I have to realise that I am in a relationship with someone who is not you and I have to understand that as Adam's wife, I owe it to him to love only him. I can't be married to him and to our relationship in here – it would feel too might like infidelity even though I know there's no actual cheating involved, just the thought of it feels like a betrayal to me and I can't do that to Adam anymore. That's why this letter is our last goodbye and it won't be a half promised goodbye, I won't write again next week or next month or next year because it's just not fair on any of us – not you not me and certainly not Adam. I have to be honest with myself and I have to be honest with him. When I tell him I love him I have to know that I mean it and so does he. That's all that matters now. If I'm going to get married and have a long and successful marriage, then I have to stop this with you._

_It's ironic isn't it that the last letter should fall on the final pages of this journal? I didn't plan it like that, but maybe somewhere deep in my subconscious I knew that this crazy idea of mine could never last forever and I realised that one day I would be ready to move on and we would have to say goodbye..._

_So this is it. I want you to know that I love you Eddie and I always will, but I can't keep waiting for you to come back for me forever and I wouldn't expect you to. I just hope that I'm doing the right thing by getting married and I hope that I can get over you this way. I'm going to say goodbye now and I wish you the very best and all the love in the world and so even though so much time has passed and despite everything that I have told you here, there is only one thing in all of this I know. I will always love you and I don't know what to do. Should I do this Eddie? Is this really the way I should be doing this? I am glad that I took the time to write all of this down because despite the distance between us I will always feel close to you when I read this. Our love is allowed to continue this way and** 'I know that we can last forever.'**_

_I am and always will be your Rachel._Rachel allowed her head to relax back against the cool leather of her chair. It was with great relief and sadness that she had reached the final page of the book which had been her constant companion for the past three years. Today was an important day because it marked the end of something [i]significant [/i] in her life. She couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry but she knew that this whole thing had caused her to be more confused than she had ever been and she didn't know how to proceed.

* * *

She absentmindedly flicked the embossed back cover closed. She ran her hand over the gilded swirling pattern and she took comfort in its familiarity. She grasped the tome in her hands and turned it over so that it was the right way up. She sighed deeply knowing that this was the end. This quite ordinary looking journal may have been insignificant to a random stranger, but to her it was her lifeline – her last communication with the man whom her heart just couldn't bear to be without.

**... I still miss you; I can see you in my dreams...**

She closed her eyes, her subconscious roaming the pages of that book – she still remembered it all...

* * *

**On the train... **

The train was rolling into the station but Eddie sat completely motionless. All the emotion of that final letter, of that last goodbye was hitting him in waves and he could hardly contemplate moving. Had it really been that all this was for nothing? Had Steph's efforts really been wasted? Had all this emotion been for nothing? She was getting married – to a man that wasn't him and that had totally stolen his breath away. He had not seen that coming – he had imagined that she would be just a sublime object of his affections, completely unchanged since last he saw her forever.

How could he go and see her now that he knew she had the clear intention of marrying another man – God knew how soon – but there was clearly some level of doubt in her mind and maybe seeing him would help her to make the firm decision, It would not be his intention to break up the wedding he just wanted her to have a friend to seek advice from. But most of all he just wanted to see her and be reminded of all the reasons why he still loved even so long after they had ended. Then he would say goodbye and he would let her get on with her life and then maybe, once he had seen that she was happy he could finally let his feelings for her die...

Until then he was not as willing to say goodbye as she had been. He leapt from the train as it ground to a halt, not having the hassle of having to fight for his baggage – since he didn't actually have any. He stepped onto the platform and took a deep breath as if the air in Rochdale felt and tasted different – in a way it was. It was thinner and cleaner and it felt like home...

It seemed ironic that the blizzard had set in here too – there was a crisp, clean layer of white snow on the ground outside of the station. He thought that it added to the romance of it all but knew that some people might argue that the blizzard was a sign – 'stay away', 'go back', 'it's too dangerous' but he ignored them all – his determination to see her again was the only thing that mattered.

He looked down at his watch. It was a little after nine – it had been a long journey, but he didn't think that any hour was too late to see the woman you loved. He stood under a street lamp and took out his i-phone (London's business essential). It had been a long time, but the number he needed was still stored deep within the memory amongst the long list of faceless business associates. He touched the screen and dialled the number. It rang several times and then was picked up.

_"Hello?" She answered in her all too familiar voice. _

"Steph? Hi it's Eddie." Eddie breathed out his relief and happiness.

_ "Oh thank God you've called. I take it you got my little Christmas present?" She asked him knowingly. _

"Yes. Thank you – I must say that's it's one of the best presents I've ever had." He told her.

_ "Well I should bloody hope so – if she finds out she'll bloody string me up." Steph laughed. _

"Am I too late Steph? Is she..." Eddie trailed off.

_ "No... No she's not – you're not." She told him. _

"Where is she Steph?" Eddie asked her desperately.

_"Well Mr Lawson how do you fancy coming to an all girls party?" She asked him a naughty smile clearly present in her voice. _At least now he knew where she was and he knew that she was not married. As he slid into a taxi his destination clear, there was only one thought in his mind and it was her...

* * *

**More soon and now it will be grounded in reality. Let me know what you think x**


	20. Chapter 20

**Thanks for the review ladies - I appreciate them so much :) Sorry I didn't get this finished last night like I hoped I would, I had to work all day yesterday which cut my writing time down massively but i promise nothing that happened in last night's episode features in my story (I don't know if that's a hint ot not!) I will get this finished today though because I only have to work for an hour today :) **

**Ok so now comes the reality. I wonder if Eddie will get there in time and if there will be a happy ending?**

17th December 2010...

_9.30 pm... _

The taxi pulled up outside of a quaintly unfamiliar house. He supposed that it suited it's owner - Miss Kim Campbell, but it seemed strange that the 'hen party' would be held here. But then Rachel was low key and discrete and it seemed right somehow. He paid the driver and stood on the pavement. Now that he was here, he was really not so sure that this was really a good idea. It all seemed great in theory – just go in there and say hello, but now the actual practical execution of the exercise seemed daunting and terrifying.

But he was here now and it seemed stupid to turn back after all he had been through. He reached into his over coat feeling the comforting presence of the journal there. If he couldn't say anything to her at least he came in peace – to give her back the journal – the thing he expected she was going crazy for...

He took a deep breath noting the pounding music and the unmistakable sound of over tipsy, over excited women. The lights were on inside the house but the thin curtains were drawn and he could see only shadows of the people inside. He opened the little gate and wet up the small path. He took a gulp of the bitterly cold air for good measure and knocked on the door. There were a few squeals from inside and then suddenly the door was open and he was hit with a rush of warm air as a very shocked looking Kim Campbell...

* * *

She stepped outside of the door a little, pulling it to behind her. Her brow was furrowed in a mix of both frustration and confusion. The one man who had broken her friend's heart was back to ruin things now that she was finally happy with Adam.

Eddie could read all of this in the woman's face. They had never really gotten on, but Eddie couldn't deny that there was something about Kim which he liked. She had always been there for Rachel and aside from the Max Tyler issue, Eddie suspected she had continued to support her during the months post him.

"Hello Kim." Eddie smiled, he really was glad to see her despite the evils she was currently giving him.

"Eddie. What're you doing here?" Kim asked- her annoyance clear.

"Um, let's just say a secret Santa thought I should read a little book at Christmastime and I kind of felt like Rachel should have it back." He told her.

"Oh... right...Steph..." Kim replied maliciously.

"Come on Kim, you know how I feel about her...I just want to see her." Eddie told her.

"Oh yeah, we all know how you feel about her Eddie, you loved her so much that you dumped her for her pregnant sister and broke her heart." Kim spat.

"Please... Kim I never went off with Melissa after that, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do... I didn't choose Melissa... I couldn't when I still love her..."

"You lost the right to love her Eddie – you broke her heart... she doesn't need you anymore." Kim told him.

"Look Kim I know she has Adam and that she's getting married. I only want to see her, to give her back her journal and then I'll be on my way." Eddie told her feeling like he was talking to Rachel's mother rather than her friend.

"Why don't you give it to me and I'll pass it on?" Kim asked him holding out her hand in terse annoyance.

* * *

"Let him see her Kim." A voice spoke from behind them.

"Steph... am I ever glad to see you." Eddie smiled as she approached the pair positioning herself between them, fending off the ensuing scrap.

"Eddie Lawson... it's good to see you, we've missed you – all of us." She told him embracing him fondly.

"Yeah well it's good to be home." He told her squeezing her just a little bit tighter.

"Home? Where've you been?" Kim asked with disdain.

"Ah now our good friend here has been enjoying success in the 'rodent race'... haven't you Eddie?" Steph put in.

"London? What are you doing there?" Kim asked in shock.

"I'm in financial advice. But all I've wanted since I've been there is to be with her. You have to believe me." Eddie replied honestly.

Kim stopped to contemplate this for a moment, it seemed that he was being sincere and maybe it wouldn't do any harm to let him in, to let him see her before she married Adam because she surely would – there was no doubt about it – even Eddie couldn't sway Rachel's feelings for Adam...

"I suppose you'd better come in then." Kim surrendered as she pushed her door open and motioned for him to enter.

* * *

"Where is she?" Eddie asked surprised to find that she wasn't in the living room with the other women – some of whom he recognised from the school but most of them were unfamiliar. Apparently Rachel moved in new circles now.

"Um, well this is supposed to be Rachel's party but you know her, she doesn't like to be centre of attention even on her _hen party_." Kim told him with just a hint of venom.

"I understand Kim, she's getting married and that's... fine. I just want to give her my friendly support. That's all I want." Eddie told her.

"Good." Kim told her.

"Where is she?" He asked again.

"She's in the spare room upstairs." Kim told him resentfully.

"Thanks Kim – I appreciate this." He told her as he headed for the door.

"Yeah well, just don't hurt her again Eddie alright? She's been through enough." Kim told him with a pout.

"I don't intend to." Eddie replied as he made his way up the stairs.

* * *

Rachel was hiding. She wasn't afraid to admit that. Despite all of her 'enthusiasm' she was not glad to be here. She hated parties and she hated being the centre of attention and tonight she was here doing both. Her heart was heavy, it had been a rough day emotionally and all she wanted to was go home and curl up with Adam on their sofa and know that she was loved. But she couldn't – they were both at their respective 'end of single life' parties and she couldn't run away. Eventually, she would have to go downstairs for this party but for now she was happy up here – staring at her wedding gown because the truth was, going down there to her party made this all a bit too real and if she was honest, she couldn't be sure that she was ready for this to be real yet.

The gown had been living in Kim's spare bedroom for a few weeks because she didn't want to jinx their marriage by letting Adam see the dress. It really was beautiful in a classic sense. It was perfect for her understated wedding to Adam...

She had been sitting on the bed staring at it so hard that she just really wanted to put it on. She just needed to see herself as a bride... She needed to know that just like every other little girl who had become a woman and then a bride, she could have the fairytale. She just needed to believe that she was worth it...

She stood in front of the mirror appraising her appearance. It was definitely odd to imagine herself in this way, but she had to admit she didn't look too bad. Of course, on the day she would be getting her hair and makeup done properly and she would be wearing beautiful jewellery and that gorgeous pair of Laboutin's Adam had bought her from the new wedding collection, but for now it was good enough to be stood here in her wedding dress. She didn't know if it was bad luck to be doing this, but it seemed worth it because right now she felt like a princess. She just found herself wondering not for the first time, if Adam was indeed her prince charming...

She sighed knowing that soon enough someone would come up to see where she was. She knew that her behaviour tonight was not in keeping with the Rachel she had become, with the Rachel that everyone seemed to like – but tonight she felt like the old her, with all the old feelings and all the old insecurities. Why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn't she just move on with her life and be happy? Rachel knew the answer to that, but the truth was that she had put that to rest over two weeks ago and she refused to admit that there was a part of her who 'held a torch' for_ him... _

She looked at herself then – really looked. She had been avoiding doing this for such a long time because every time she did, she saw the lie she told herself and the one she told everyone else. There it was beyond the false light in her eyes – that sadness and that longing and that unrequited love she just could not shake. She had to pull herself together, she had to get over this – fast because her wedding was a little over two weeks away and this would never do.

* * *

Rachel glanced at the clock on the wall opposite the mirror 9.45pm – she had been up here almost three hours and she was being wholly unsociable, but she couldn't do it, she simply couldn't go down those stairs.

As if on cue, there was a slight knock on the door and then it opened. _'Here come the cavalry'_ she thought to herself, not even bothering to turn from the mirror to see who it was. It would likely be Kim or Steph, the terrible twosome who had first suggested this palaver. She couldn't see the door in the mirror, such was its position in the room, but that hardly seemed to matter. Soon whoever it was would come in and tell her that it was not a good thing to put her wedding dress on before the day – that it would jinx the marriage and then, after she had reluctantly changed back into her black party dress, they would drag her downstairs for a night of alcohol and probably a stripper – If Steph had organised this...

But the person did not speak at all. There was no "_where have you been? What're you doing up here?" _– There was nothing. Just a charged silence which was quite frankly making her incredibly uncomfortable. She was just about to turn around and ask them exactly what their problem was but then the person spoke...

"_You look beautiful Rachel..." and suddenly she couldn't breathe... _

**Oooh I wonder who it is ? ;-)**

**Do you want to find out? x**


	21. Chapter 21

**Here's the next part for you x**

Her heart was pounding and all the emotion of the moment was roaring in her ears. She was frozen and she couldn't find her voice. She feared she would never know what to say... There was only one person who that voice could belong and it was the one person she simply didn't know how to react to...

There was silence after that first comment and it seemed that the reality and the emotion of this was overwhelming them both. It seemed that now the moment had arrived, all the history between them was getting in the way and there was just no way to overcome it...

She couldn't do this. This couldn't be happening, it wasn't fair. She had to deal with this because she couldn't allow her emotions to get in the way. She had to remain focused...

She swallowed of her fear and all of her feelings and suddenly found her voice. When she spoke, she was uncertain and nervous and he was not entirely convinced by what she said.

"Adam you're not supposed to be in here... Don't you know its bad luck to see the dress before the wedding?" She said and she knew it was hurtful and cruel but she didn't know what else to say.

He felt like he'd been slapped in the face. How could she do this to him? Of course, he had known that she might react like this but he had not prepared himself for this reaction. That was why it hurt so much. He just had never imagined that Rachel would be capable of this... of being cruel. When he had gotten over the shock, he found his voice and made his reply.

"You can hate me Rachel, you can despise everything that I stand for and everything that I am – but please don't pretend that you don't know who I am." Eddie told her firmly and he heard her draw in a sharp shocked breath.

"Why are you here? Why are you here now?" Rachel asked him desperately.

"I had to see you Rachel; I had to see you one last time... I had to know that you're happy." He told her.

"Well I am... so you can go now." Rachel told him, still refusing to say his name or to even look at him.

"Look at me Rachel." He gave her an instruction but she did not follow it.

"I can't... it hurts too much." Rachel told him, her voice brimming with tears she refused to cry.

"Rachel please... I come in peace... I promise... I have something that belongs to you." He told her reaching into the pocket of his coat.

She said nothing for a moment until eventually she began to turn towards him. Her movements were slow and deliberate and with every degree she turned his heart pounded harder and faster...

Suddenly she was facing him, but her eyes were looking everywhere but at him. It was too much; it was too much to see him like this now...

He looked at her then for the first time in over a year and God was she a sight for sore eyes. Her hair had grown out since the last time he had seen her, but everything else was exactly as he remembered it. Her lips were still plump and full and rosy and her eyes – those eyes which had ensnared him since their first meeting were still just as captivating as they had been all those years ago. They had changed slightly however, there was no longer a light there – there was no longer the sparkling essence of Rachel Mason and that was sad...

"Hello Rachel." He breathed despite himself. He knew it might have sounded stupid but it was so good to see her again.

"What do you want from me?" Rachel asked him and it was a tortured question a question she craved the answer to.

"I just wanted to see you Rachel... I just... I just want you." He admitted.

"Don't do this, you don't understand... I... I'm..." Rachel trailed off, her heart nearly bursting.

"Getting married." He finished.

"What? How did you know?"

"Well firstly, you're wearing a wedding dress so that's a pretty big clue but I read about it. I read your love letters... in here." Eddie replied pulling out the little blue journal.

"Where did you get this?" Rachel asked him as she snatched it out of his hands, flicking through the pages as if she could magically make the words disappear.

"It doesn't matter how it came to me... the important thing is that it did and I'm glad." Eddie brushed off her questions, not wanting to tell tales.

"You read this? Why would you do something like that?" She shot the questions in quick succession.

"I never meant to. I wasn't going to... but then I opened the first page and I could smell your perfume on the paper and I thought that maybe if I read it, it wouldn't feel like I'd lost you – I thought maybe it would be like you were there with me..." He trailed off, feeling like a naughty school boy.

"But you weren't supposed to read them... they were private." Rachel told him bitterly.

"I wasn't supposed to read them? They were bloody written for me – about me – about you and me." Eddie threw his hands up in exasperation.

"Some of the things I wrote... you were never supposed to know... Who gave this to you?" She asked him.

"I told you – it doesn't matter, because at least now I know how you feel about me." He told her.

"I don't feel anything for you." She lied and felt the knife at her heart.

"Don't lie to me Rachel – don't lie to yourself. I know... I know." He told her.

"You've done what you came here to do and I'm grateful that you returned my journal, but now you really have to go. This is my hen party and I have to be with my friends." Rachel told him cruelly.

"You're so happy you're hiding out up here playing dress up whilst you pretend that you're not having doubts about him about Adam... does that sound about right Rachel? He asked her, his tone matching hers.

"Don't you say his name." She shot in exasperation, her voice sounding strangulated.

"Why not hmm? Does it make it too real for you?" He asked her and she was silent again.

"Just get out will you? Just go." She told him.

"Fine... hide away up here and pretend like you're going to be happy with him if you like, but I won't stay here and watch you do it – I can't. It looks like you got your wish Rachel, you saw me one last time before we said goodbye forever... but you should know that I always loved you Rachel – I still do." He replied, admitting his defeat and resigning himself to his fate.

She was dumbfounded. She could not speak as she watched him go. How could that be the truth? How could he still love her now that he had his new life? She heard his footfalls on the stairs and she knew that she was losing him. She didn't know if she could do that...

Her head was telling her to let him go and to get on with her new life with Adam, but everything else, her body, her soul and her heart were telling her to go after him, to stop him from leaving her... again... this time she had to fight... she had to fight for the man she loved...

* * *

Against all of her better judgement, Rachel threw open the door of the room and ran out onto the landing. She looked down over the banister and was panicked to see that he was not still on the stairs. Oh God... had she lost him? Was she too late? She ran down the stairs, forgetting that she was in her wedding dress. She sprinted past the living room which housed all of her friends enjoying themselves and headed straight for the door.

She threw it open and ventured outside. Her feet were freezing because they were bare but in her head the only that mattered was getting to him in time. She stepped out onto the street noting the dramatic irony of the snow... she peered left and then right and finally she spotted him halfway down the street... She sprinted to catch up with him, ignoring the dull, stinging ache of cold in her feet...

She reached him almost breathless. She reached out her hand and closed it around his shoulder, the contact with skin sending electricity tingling up her arm.

"Please... don't go... Eddie... I need to talk to you..." Rachel begged him and as he turned towards her, noticing her attire and the wildly breathless tinge of exertion on her face, he had never been more in love...


	22. Chapter 22

**This is for all of you who have been reading this. I appreciate your comments so much and I think I owe it to you to finish this. Ok so time for some much needed Reddie methinks... Hope you enjoy it, please let me know. Big love to you all. **

**Love Michelle x**

"You know they're not really love letters are they?" She giggled slightly as she flicked idly through the pages of the little blue journal she had missed so much for the past two weeks.

"I did notice that." He half chuckled, afraid that this fragile moment in time would break if he allowed it to become too real.

They had somehow managed to sneak back inside unnoticed and were currently on the floor of the spare bedroom. It seemed strange but it was comfortable and it felt like them again. She had changed out of her wedding gown, evidently feeling too guilty sitting here and talking to another man in it. She looked just as beautiful in the knee length black cocktail dress she was now wearing. But to him, she would always be beautiful...

She rested her head in the crook of his neck and he felt a thrill of excitement course through him. This was dangerous and felt forbidden but he would take what she was giving him. He circled his arms around her, pulling her closer and she made no move to stop him. He knew that this was as far as they would be taking it but somehow that didn't matter. They were here – both of them and it felt so natural and he was not about to give that up for anything. He was not going to kid himself – they had a lot to discuss but for right now, he just wanted to enjoy the moment.

"I must have sounded like a depressed maniac most of the time. It must have seemed like I was sinking..." Rachel mused, her breath tickling the side of his neck.

"Weren't you?" Eddie asked her, knowing they were entering dangerous waters but realising that they had to do it sometime.

"I suppose I was... I couldn't cope... I didn't know how to... I didn't want to..." She told him and the pain was clear in her voice.

"I'm sorry I ever made you feel that way Rachel. Reading those letters... made me realise what an idiot I had been for hurting you like that... for even starting a relationship with Melissa in the first place... I just didn't know how you felt." He told her.

"I know, and that was my fault... I was... I am a commitment- phobe and I just didn't know how to tell you." Rachel told him.

"But I should have known, I should have seen it – I was so stupid and angry and lonely that I just didn't see it. I never wanted to hurt you Rachel – All I wanted was to love you. That's all I've ever wanted." He told her.

"I just don't understand why you've come back Eddie... we ended so long ago and you have your life now and your child." Rachel grimaced as she said the words.

"But Rachel... surely you know? Surely you understand by now? I'm not with her... I never have been... and as for the child... I've never met her... I only know her name and I just send the payments when I need to. That's all... I was... I am... too in love with you to ever think about doing that to you." He replied, not quite believing that she could be harbouring notions of his 'perfect life with Melissa.

"What? You mean all this time... all this time I've been waiting for you to come home to me, you've not been with her?" She asked in disbelief.

"That is exactly what I'm saying Rachel." He told her with a small reassuring smile.

"So tell me Eddie, if you were with her then where the Hell were you all this time? Because I just don't understand why you would give me a reason why our relationship could never work and then you don't follow through with that reason. I've been so lonely Eddie – desperate and lonely and I needed you and you weren't there were you?" She replied, the anger rising up within her.

"Rachel, you have to understand... I was so frightened of what Melissa's pregnancy would do to us. I looked at your face that day and I could see it. She had broken your heart—we had broken your heart and I didn't know what I could do about that. I wanted that life with you so much that it almost killed me that she had ruined it for us. It just wasn't fair." Eddie admitted. It was hardly justification for what he had done, but it was the truth.

"But you broke my heart... you broke my heart and ruined us because you were... [i]scared [/i]? Don't you think I was? Don't you think it terrified me? But I would have done anything for you because I loved you and if that meant I had to be step mum and auntie and God's what else I would have done it. Are you saying that I wasn't worth it Eddie? Is that what you're telling me?" She asked and suddenly she couldn't bear to be that close to him as the tears that had been threatening since his arrival began to fall.

"God no Rachel – that's not what I'm saying at all. I loved you so much and I hated leaving you but I thought it was the only way. It wasn't fair for me to expect you to deal with the child like that. It wasn't fair that we would have had to put our lives on hold because of Melissa. I was going to ask you to marry me. You didn't know that – but that's what the 'holiday of lifetime' was about... I wanted us to have all of this together Rachel... and now it's too late." Eddie tried to let her know how very much he loved her...

"You were going to propose?" Rachel asked as if checking that she had heard correctly.

"Yes Rachel. I wanted to be your husband – I wanted you to be my wife, I wanted us to have children and live happily ever but it turns out that fairy stories are just that – stories doesn't it?" He sighed heavily, his head filled with all the might have beens and should have beens. It was just too much.

"We could have done it Eddie. You must have known I'd still say yes, you know I loved you on the day – you knew I didn't care about Melissa – not really." Rachel wiped away her tears angrily.

"Rachel I've been so stupid... I ran away to London because I thought that my feelings for you would just die away, but what I didn't consider was just how very much I loved you and that loved has never dulled Rachel. You have to know that." Eddie told her.

"What's the point in going over all this again Eddie? Its over- it's done." Rachel asked him in exasperation.

"No... Rachel... don't say that, it doesn't have to be – there's still time, you still have the choice." Eddie told her desperately.

She got up then - she needed to get away from him. This was too much, it was too much for him to be here – it was too difficult to forgive him. She had to get away from him. She went to the window staring through the snow as it swirled in heavy flurries. It was going to be a blizzard...

* * *

"God Eddie, would you just listen to yourself? You're acting like nothing's changed between us but [i]everything [/i] has changed. You can't come in here and expect me to forgive you and just to give up on my new life. I have someone who wants to marry me because he wants to be with me forever and he loves me. I'm getting married Eddie and I can't change that – I love Adam..." Rachel trailed leaving something unspoken in the air around them.

"But you still love me too don't you?" Eddie asked her and sudden he was wrapping his arms around her and it didn't feel like any time had passed at all.

"Eddie... you can't do this... I... I've missed you so much... I've needed you so much." Rachel sighed as she relaxed back into his embrace.

"Well I'm right here Rachel. I'm right here with you." He comforted her.

"For how long Eddie? How long will it be before you disappear again – what happens when I need you again and you're not there?" She asked, knowing that she was being selfish to ask that question. She shouldn't have even been asking it in the first place.

"I'll go when you tell me to Rachel and that's a promise. I'm here as long as you need." He told her and she sensed honesty.

She spun around to face him. She looked at him properly for the first time then. He was still her Eddie, after the passage of so much time and all the emotional stress, he was still her Eddie. His hair might have been more salt than peppered and his brow may have been slightly more furrowed but he was stills hers. He was still the Eddie who had loved her, who did love her. He was the Eddie she had always been writing to in the journal and now he was here and that was such a good feeling. Suddenly, in the tense air between them her new life didn't matter, didn't even seem to exist anymore. She could just be Rachel – the one who needed reassurance and comfort and the hug of a man who made her feel utterly complete. She could just be the woman who loved him; she didn't have to be anybody else for anyone else. She could finally be herself.

He seemed to sense her return to herself because and he gripped her waist and pulled her closer, she did not fight him – neither did she move to stop him as he leant in close to her and brushed her lips with his own in the lightest briefest and most beautiful kiss she could ever remember sharing with him.

As they opened their eyes moments later, her breath was totally stolen. It felt so right to kiss him again but she was in shock that she had allowed it to happen. She was with Adam now and she could not be unfaithful... but it was Eddie and she loved him.

He let her go as he sensed she was ready to freak out. He shouldn't have done it but now that it had happened he did not regret it. Before she had the chance to scream at him that he had taken advantage, Eddie spoke.

"Rachel I'm sorry... I shouldn't have done that... It was wrong of me." Eddie apologised.

Rachel paused for a moment, contemplating this.

"No... No it wasn't... it was exactly the right thing to do." She told him as she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him again...

**There you are, I hope you enjoyed it? Do you want the next bit? Just a heads up - it'll be where the M rating kicks in! ;) **


	23. Chapter 23

**Hope you enjoy...**

**A/N: Lyrics in this chapter are taken from 'One night only' by Jennifer Hudson – just because I was listening to the song and thought they fit well... ;)**

She was shaking. It felt so strange having his lips on hers, his hands on her body again but it was exactly as she remembered it. She knew this was dangerous and forbidden and that she would be committing adultery but for right now, all that mattered was Eddie...

He was kissing her frantically, applying tiny butterfly kisses to her face as if trying to commit every part of her back into his memory. She hadn't changed much physically but somehow a thousand kisses did not seem enough to convince him that this was happening. It was like he thought this was their last night together and she supposed that if she allowed this to happen, if she gave them what they both wanted – what they both needed, then it would be...

_**** 'In the morning this feeling will be gone, it has no chance going on. Something so right has got no chance to live – so let's forget about chances, it's one night I will give.'** **_

She sighed a little as his lips traced a line from the bridge of her nose across her lips and over her jaw. No-one had kissed her like this in so long. Even Adam was not as sensitive to her needs as she had hoped he would be and they had known each other a long time. It seemed that there was only man who could satisfy her and at last he was here with her... It was wrong, it was terrible and she felt so guilty but she knew one thing for certain – she was going to die if this stopped...

He pulled away, looking at her beautiful face. She seemed content and happy and these emotions mirrored his own. But this was wrong. Rachel was not someone he could have anymore, she was someone else's lover and soon she would be someone else's wife but this just seemed so right inside of him that he could not bring himself to stop.

He wondered briefly why she was allowing this to happen – was this the way she planned to say goodbye. Or was it that she was trying to tell him that she wanted to be back with him? He didn't know, he couldn't be sure but he reasoned that it didn't matter – any night with her was good enough for him. He needed her; he needed her to know that he still loved her and that she still meant the world to him.

"Mm I'm missed you so much." She mumbled against his neck as his hands began to slide their way down her body.

"I've missed you too Rachel – you have no idea how many times I've imagined this moment. I can't believe this is happening – it doesn't feel real." Eddie replied, kissing her again – revelling in the fact that he could.

"It is real Eddie..." She told him as she pulled away and went to lock the door.

"Rachel are you sure about this? What about Adam?" He asked her, hating the sound of his name out loud but needing to know that this is what she wanted.

She crossed the room reaching him quickly. She placed a solitary finger on his lips – silencing him.

"Eddie tonight I just want it to be you and me, just us – the way it should have been. I don't want to think about anything else – only you. We can deal with everything later." She told him and it sounded like she was sure.

"But Rachel _'everything else' _ isn't going to just disappear – it'll all be there when this night is over – it'll all still be real." He told her.

"I know but for now can't it just be you and me Eddie?" She asked him and for a moment, the briefest of moments, she was no longer a Rachel he didn't know – she was the woman he had fallen in love with. She was searching out his reassurance and he knew he had to give it to her.

"Rachel, God knows I've dreamt of this moment for a long time, but we're different now – you said so yourself... we've changed and you've moved on... What if we can't go back?" He asked her.

"Eddie this is me you're talking to, come on – you know how I feel about you – you've read the letters. Feelings like those they don't just go away. I'm still here Eddie. I'm still here..." She tried to reassure him.

"Rachel, it feels like you've become someone else – you're someone I don't recognise anymore." Eddie told her sadly.

* * *

Rachel was panicking, now that she had committed herself to this, she didn't want to go back, but it looked like time had destroyed them. It was true that for the past year she had been trying to be someone else – someone she did not know and someone she did not like. But tonight with Eddie, she finally felt like herself again. She felt like Rachel Mason instead of Rachel 'question mark'. She felt like she knew who she was and whilst Rachel Mason might have been more insecure than the person she was pretending to be, she knew that it was better to be exactly who she was supposed to be...

"Eddie, I haven't changed – not really. I'm still the same on the inside. I'm still Rachel – you know me. If you look really closely I bet you can still see me." She told him.

"I just want you Rachel; I don't want any pretences – just you." Eddie told her.

"You've got me Eddie – I'm here and I'm yours." She smiled at him as she stepped forward and kissed him again.

"It's good to see you Miss Mason." Eddie smiled as he kissed her back.

"It's good to see you too Mr Lawson." She agreed.

They stayed this way for a while, just kissing each other and enjoying the embrace. It felt for both of them to be held again and if they didn't think too hard about it, it was almost like their relationship had never ended and tonight was just going to another passionate expression of their love for each course, neither of them could help thinking about what would happen when this night ended and they were faced with the reality of what they had done in the cold, harsh light of day. But they both hoped that if they didn't speak these thought out loud then they wouldn't become reality and maybe just maybe there was a chance that love would be enough to help them get through this situation.

She drew in a deep breath knowing that she could either make the most of this night or she could be her usual self and hide away from her feelings and for once in her confused existence she decided to be wholly honest with herself. She didn't want him to stop and in truth, she never wanted this night to end.

She nipped on his earlobe as he kissed his way over her neck and across her collarbone. It felt good to feel his soft lips on her skin again. Each new area which received a kiss from him tingled beneath his touch.

* * *

"You see... would anyone else know that you like that Eddie... would anyone else know that putting their fingers right...there makes your heart race?" Rachel teased him as she allowed her fingers to pressurise the hollow at the base of his neck.

"Hmm it must be you..." Eddie mused as he flicked her hair over her shoulder, the better to access her elegant neck.

"Mm oh God please... don't stop." She begged him as his finger slowly reached around her back and grasped the fine zip of her dress.

"Are you sure?" He asked her again, even as she slipped her hands inside of his heavy winter smelling overcoat and pushed it off his shoulders.

"Eddie... don't be afraid... don't be afraid to touch me... I won't break – I promise." She murmured in her increasingly aroused state.

"I don't want to hurt you Rachel." He whispered as she tugged off his ridiculously sensible suit jacket he wore. It just didn't suit him. Whatever job he did in London, she was sure it was totally wrong for him.

"You won't, you never did... at least not when it came to... encounters such as these." She told him, kissing his lips feverishly.

"I want you, so badly Rachel..." He told her, his voice deep and thick with lust.

"Then have me... I'm yours... only yours..." Rachel challenged him – just how far would he go with this?

"Don't do this unless you mean it Rachel." Eddie told her as he felt her tugging his shirt out of his trousers.

"Eddie, what do I have to do to prove that I want this... that I want you?" She asked him in frustration.

"Just slow down Rachel... this is me you're talking to." Eddie told her taking her hands and forcing her to look at him

"Eddie please..." She begged.

"Rachel I just want you to be you." He told her.

"I am being me – this is me, don't tell me you don't remember..."

"I know... it's just you seem a little different that's all... you are less... nervous." Eddie mumbled.

"Are you saying that you'd prefer it if I was shy like the first time we had sex Eddie?" She asked him bitterly.

"Don't say it like that – you know it wasn't just sex..." Eddie shot back at her.

* * *

He moved away from her then, going to the window. Maybe this had been a bad idea after all. She had changed and he wasn't sure that the change was entirely good. Maybe you couldn't rekindle love once it had died. He could hear her breathing heavily, processing the rejection and trying to quell her lust and it almost broke his heart but he couldn't do this if she wasn't going to take it seriously.

They stayed apart for a while but then the separation became too much. She was suddenly behind him her arms wrapping around his torso as her lips brushed his shoulder through his shirt.

"I'm sorry Eddie... this is just weird, you being here and us doing this... You have to believe that this is what I want. I just want you that's all I want." Rachel told him sincerely.

"I know- it's me... I just hadn't expected you to have changed this much... I expected you to be the same." He sighed turning around to face her.

"Eddie I haven't felt like myself for so long... but now I'm here with you – I know I am... I don't have to be anybody else." She told him.

"I wouldn't want you to be anyone else. I love you because you're you." He told her.

"Oh Eddie I love you too." She sighed, kissing him lightly as she realised she felt no fear at admitting this to him.

"Now please can we just enjoy this night? I need you." Rachel told him, her voice thick with pent up desire.

"Well when you put it like that..." Eddie replied his voice filled with suggestion.

She giggled as their lips met again and suddenly his tongue was fighting with hers. It was such a passionate kiss that it almost stole her breath. She let him take the lead as she felt herself being backed towards the bed. She stumbled a little and giggled again as her legs hit the end of the bed and suddenly everything was thrown into stark reality. He was here – this was real... she hadn't woken up yet...

She reached for his shirt working from the bottom up as she undid each of the buttons. She noticed something which had escaped her attention earlier – he was wearing a tie – that was certainly new...

"Mm since when did you start wearing a tie Mr Lawson?" She teased him, tugging lightly on the silky material.

"Since I became a 'city slicker' Miss Mason that's when and since I became my own boss and didn't have some dragon lady breathing down my neck making unreasonable demands on me pertaining to dress code. I actually think it suits me." Eddie replied.

"Erm excuse me I hope I'm not the 'dragon lady'?" She laughed, hitting playfully.

"Oh and what if you are?" Eddie teased.

"Then I say the rule is that you have to keep that tie on... as a punishment." She replied as sternly as she could.

"Quite a sexy punishment wouldn't you say Miss Mason?" He replied waggling his eyebrows at her in suggestion.

"Hmm it is quite sexy yes – now Eddie, do me a favour and take your trousers off."She replied with whimsical lust.

It wasn't long before Eddie was naked in front of her (save for the bright red tie around his neck) and she was shivering with lust. She wanted to be naked, she wanted to be under him – she wanted him inside of her... She wanted it all.

"Why hello Mr Lawson..." She giggled as she allowed her eyes to unashamedly run over his body.

"Are you using me just for your entertainment Rachel?" He asked her dejectedly.

"Yes." She replied honestly as she kissed him.

"Right well at least I know where I stand." Eddie joked.

"I do have one request however." He continued.

"Oh?" Rachel asked innocently.

"Mm you see the problem is that you appear to be wearing too many clothes Miss Mason." He told her.

"Well that's a statement of fact Eddie not a request." She told him frankly with all the intelligence that he loved.

"Hmm well my request is that you take them off." He told her huskily.

"Right well... be my guest."She told him, turning her back towards him and waiting for him to see to the zip.

It didn't take long and soon his lips were caressing the delicate protrusion of her spine and suddenly she was moaning sensually despite herself. The dress dropped to the floor, an unnecessary hindrance and was soon forgotten.

It seemed like time had vaulted backwards and they were experiencing each other like this for the first time again and in a way it was possible to see that this was true. They had been apart for so long and it felt like they were rediscovering each other. It was nice, it was comfortable and it was exciting.

* * *

He spun her round and suddenly they were face to face and soul to soul again. Her chest was heaving and her cheeks were flushed. She looked beautiful this way at the height of her euphoric lust.

"You're beautiful Rachel... I hope you know that." He told her and it was the truth.

"Oh Eddie stop..." She laughed it off in her embarrassment.

"It's true." Eddie told her reaching forward and kissing her nose.

"There is something you should know Eddie..." She trailed off, her eyes showing fear and apprehension.

"What is it Rachel?" He asked her preparing himself for the worst. Here came the moment when she told him to be gentle, to be mindful of the baby... He was filled dread. Please not that. Please not that.

"Well... there is one thing that's changed about me Eddie." She told him furtively.

_ 'Oh God no. Please don't say you're pregnant' _He thought to himself.

"Well I'll show you..." She trailed off, flicking her hair over her shoulder and exposed her cleavage to him.

That's when he noticed it – he scar was gone. The angry red slash which had torn her buttermilk skin apart had disappeared.

"It's gone..." He breathed.

"Yeah... I couldn't deal with it after you left... I didn't think anyone would love me the way you did if I still had it, so I got it 'seen to' and now's it gone and I feel better." Rachel explained.

"That's the main thing. But you should know that I would love you whatever you looked like, you'll always be beautiful to me." He said honestly.

"Oh Eddie... you make me feel like I made the wrong decision." Rachel told him.

"No Rachel, you didn't – you did what was best for you and that makes me so proud of you." He told her.

"Thank you Eddie. I love you." She told him.

"I love you too." He told her, stepping closer to her and kissing her.

He reached around her back unclasping her bra and watched her tumble free of her confines.

* * *

"You're beautiful... you're beautiful..." He told her.

"Oh Eddie..." She sighed as he lowered her onto the bed. There would be no hesitation and no fore play – they loved each other and that was enough. That was enough to last a lifetime.

She arched herself away from the bed allowing him to slide her lacy knickers down her legs. This felt so right, so good that she didn't care about anything but him...

"Oh God... Oh God Rachel... I've missed you so much..." He mumbled as his lips went down on the stiffened peak of her left breast and travelled upwards to the think silvery scar left by her corrective surgery.

"You're gorgeous Rachel. I love you." He told her as he knelt above her.

"I love you too." She told him.

"You don't know how good it is to hear you say that." He told her.

"You don't know how good it is to say it Eddie." She replied.

"I'm really glad I came here." He told her running his hands through her auburn hair.

"Me too Eddie – thank you for coming here." She told him.

"Are you ready Rachel?" He asked her.

"Yes, God I thought you'd never ask." She told him breathily.

"Good." He replied.

"Good." She agreed and then her world completed for the first time in a year as he was inside of her and filling her up.

She hardly needed any time to accommodate him as he began his gentle thrusting. It felt exactly the same as it always had to have him inside of her and she loved the familiarity of their connection. It felt right and it felt good and he was all that mattered – all that would ever matter.

She was matching him thrust for thrust, her hips rising to his and her back arching athletically. She felt renewed and revitalised but at the same time she felt like herself – her old self. She felt normal for the first time in months. Soon she couldn't control her lust as she screamed his name and kissed him so hard she thought she would die. She was so happy and so in love that her heart was close to bursting.

She felt the ensuing white hot Heaven and as she stared into his eyes and received his penetrating gaze, she knew that he felt it too. There was only one thing left to do, but once it had happened this night would have to end. They couldn't stay wrapped up in this embrace all night like she wanted to because they were in someone else's house and she had a party to attend – a party for which she was already late – a party which she was no longer sure she needed to have...

She afforded herself a final glance at him before taking his hands and gripping him tight.

_ If I hold on to you now, this night will never end, in the morning we'll wake up and all this will have been a dream – we'll be alright – happily married with the perfect children in the perfect house just the way it should have been. We'll wake up away from here and I won't have to hurt Adam. _

She managed two words before she was lost to him...

"Together- forever." She whispered and with one final thrust they both went to Heaven.

* * *

Seconds turned to minutes and minutes seemed to turn to hours but all concept of time seemed irrelevant for the two people in the bed. If they couldn't have forever then neither of them wanted to know how much time they had left.

Perhaps it had been foolish of them to ever imagine that this had been sensible or practical or realistic, but when it came to love those qualities did not seem to matter. Who wanted a practical love with no passion or excitement? No-one that's who. It didn't seem real but it had happened and now all that faced them was the _'everything else' _they had casually been avoiding since that crazy moment outside when she had chased him in her wedding dress...

They lay together now as they had done so many times before, but this time everything was different. It felt wrong now, even though the two of them were still surrounded by the warm feeling of the love they had made. The bed felt cold and foreboding and Rachel was wracked with guilt. She would never say she regretted it because that would be a lie and she knew she could never regret something that felt so right, but still she felt guilty. How did she even begin to explain this to Adam – the man she was engaged to, the man she professed to love?

There just seemed to be no words to justify what they had done. But in her head, there was nothing more right than what had happened here tonight. She might have felt the cold welling of empty guilt in her stomach but in her heart she was happy and full and alive and she didn't think she could ever give that up – it was just too much to ask.

She rested her head on his chest as she had on countless occasions and she enjoyed the sensation of the greying whorls of hair as they tickled at the plump skin of her cheek. She breathed in his scent a mixture of the aftershave she loved so much and the unmistakable comfort of winter... She could stay this way forever... except that forever was soon going to be over...

He stroked absent-mindedly at her arms, drawing those oh so familiar circles on her skin. He supposed that he was trying to mark her as his own, though he feared he would never truly have her again. He knew she loved him, it wasn't a question of that, it was just that Rachel was a good person and he knew she would be struggling with this. There was also the very real fact that despite everything she still loved Adam and she could not be expected to stop just because he was here...

It was a terribly tragic dilemma and there seemed no plausible solution...

He didn't want to ruin the fragile stability of this finely woven moment in time but there was question that needed to be asked and answered.

"So... what happens now Rachel?" He asked tentatively, hardly daring to breathe in the tense moments of silence that followed.

She paused for contemplation before answering.

"I don't know Eddie... But I know one thing..." Rachel replied, trailing off for a moment.

"What's that?" Eddie asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

"I will love you forever." She sighed in her sadness as she kissed his chest lightly...

_** ** 'I have no doubt that I could love you forever... The only trouble is, we really don't have the time... We've got one night only, one night only – Come on big baby come on, one night only we only have 'til dawn...** **_

But the truth was the two people in the bed did not even have that long...

**Hope you liked it, more soon sweetiesx**


	24. Chapter 24

**Thanks for all your support and understanding – I know I haven't been updating this quite as often as I should have been. But here comes the next part, the first in a two part finale which is ironic really...: D Hope you enjoy.**

_31st December 2010..._

Maybe this was the way it was meant to be, maybe it wasn't. But one thing was for sure, the decision had been made and there was nothing anyone could do or say to change that now. It had been a terrible two weeks and to say that was a massive understatement. Some days it had been nigh on impossible to get out of bed. It was needless to say however, that when Rachel had been desperately hoping that time would just stop at_ that _night and that everything would be Ok, it had continued to roll on – as time did. It had the annoying habit of doing that and she had been powerless to stop it. Time had moved on and that night had become nothing more than a memory which would soon turn into a ghostly whisper of the past. But that did not mean that Rachel had not been thinking about it for the two weeks since it had happened.

It had been so wrong on so many levels and yet every fibre of her being had known and still knew that it was exactly the right thing – with the right man and the right reasons and the right feelings. It had broken Rachel's heart when she had realised that it was finally over. After a year of desperately hoping for reconciliation, it had come, it had happened and it had been over in the blink of an eye and she felt for the second time in her acquaintance with Eddie that her life was over.

She knew that realistically she had not made any progress at all. She had foolishly thought that if she saw him one last time she would be able to say goodbye and know in her heart that she was making the right decision but when the moment had actually come and they had been face to face again – all the history seemed to come flooding back and she could not even recall anything bad, any of the reasons why they had split up because she realised that none of it mattered. She loved him and that was the only feeling she wanted to think about, it was the only thing she had time to think about.

* * *

She supposed she deserved what she had got two weeks ago. She deserved to be caught in the act of her infidelity because she was going against everything that marrying Adam stood for – faith and trust and love and monogamy. She supposed she couldn't have expected to be that callously cruel too him and not to be caught. She just thanked God that it had not been Adam himself. She knew that would have broken him and she couldn't have done that to him.

That was why when Steph had knocked on the door asking where she was and informing her that her guests were all wondering where she was, part of her had wanted to sing – with Steph their secret would be safe. At least until the next staff appraisal when she feared it would all come back to haunt her.

Yes, Steph had interrupted her as she lay there with Eddie, desperately puzzling over a solution to her dilemma and just like that the spell had been broken and Rachel had realised that she didn't even have until morning to decide – it was do or die, now or never and she had been confused. Despite all of her resurfaced feelings for Eddie, Rachel could not deny that she was still in love with Adam. She had not been able to fall out of love with Eddie and she knew she would not be able to fall out of love with Adam. People thought it was easy – you found someone you loved and you lived happily ever after, somewhere over the rainbow where nothing bad ever happened. This would be the ideal view of life and most people refused to believe anything other than this scenario for their whole lives. That was the reason why so many women waited their whole lives for the perfect wedding to the perfect husband instead of facing reality and realising what was right in front of them.

People waited their whole lives for their lives to begin and only realised what she had always known when it was too late. Fortunately, Rachel Mason was and always had been a pragmatic realist. She had never been disillusioned by fantastical thinking and this attitude had always gotten her through life. She had always liked fairytales as a child, but her upbringing and her subsequent struggle in life had taught her long ago never to hold out the hope of finding one. This was perhaps the biggest difference between herself and Eddie Lawson – he did believe in fairytales, he did engage in fantastical thinking and he thought that because they loved each other that would always be enough. But he was forgetting that they had already proven that it was never enough. You needed more than love to survive in this world and that was not cynicism -that was just the truth...

Steph had of course been discrete – Rachel had been lenient enough over the years, and they had been afforded precious little time to say goodbye, again. They had cried and they had refused to believe that it was over for them and Rachel had told him that she would talk to Adam and sort this whole mess out. Perhaps it had been wrong to make a promise she was not at liberty to keep – but she had done it anyway and he had left without further question, the glimmer of hope shining brightly in his eye...

It had been two weeks; two heart wrenching weeks during which she had fought an internal battle with her emotions and her physical presence. It was so hard. There had been no clear choice – her heart and her head – the physical and the emotional had been attached to both men and both walks of life. She knew that she was a lucky woman, she had the opportunity to choose exactly the way her life would pan out... but the dilemma was that she knew she would be happy with either and both of them. She loved them both and they both loved her. They both offered her security and safety and loving affection, they both wanted a family – they both wanted her to be the mother of their children and she knew they would both do anything for her. But the thing was that she was in love with them both differently. With Eddie her love was based on a deep emotional connection and a feeling of wholeness and she knew that he would love her forever.

But with Adam, her love was based on the fact that he had accepted her immediately and he had been brave enough to help her find herself. He had not been scared away when she found it difficult to commit to him or give herself to him sexually, he had simply loved her and he had been bold enough to ask her to marry him... something Eddie had never done... Plus there was the very important fact that Adam had never broken her heart.

If she seriously thought about her decision, it seemed so simple. Clearly Adam loved her more, wanted her more – needed her more... but still she could not bring herself to break off the connection she had with Eddie... There was just something binding about her relationship with him... It was just too hard.

It had been two weeks and it had been breaking her heart but she knew that things would work out in the end. The one thing that she knew for certain was that she could not just bury her head in the sand and hope that it would go away. She had been foolish to think that her one night with Eddie would make _everything else_, Adam, all of the bad feelings she felt and all the confusion disappear. But it hadn't and she had been forced to face the reality. This was not a light decision to make. In fact it was the most difficult decision in the whole world and it was a decision that was forever... But it was all just too much...

* * *

"You look beautiful Rachel..." Kim breathed, caught up in all the romance of it all.

"Thanks Kim... you know I never imagined myself as a bride... it doesn't seem real." Rachel giggled a little, she couldn't deny her excitement... she just wished it would reach her heart.

"Well it suits you." Kim reassured her.

"You're a good friend Kim Campbell." Rachel told her, hugging her a little.

"Are you ready?" Kim asked her. They were currently standing in a little room off of the side of the church waiting to start. There were still ten minutes to go and they could hear the murmurs of the crowd inside the church. It had to be remembered of course that most of said crowd were staff from the school who had come here just to see for themselves that Rachel was serious about this marriage lark and she guessed that she had to prove that to herself too.

"We've still got time right?" Rachel replied uncertainty.

"Um about ten minutes... why?" Kim asked checking her watch.

"I don't know... I'm just nervous... I've never done this before and..." She trailed off.

"Of course you're nervous; I'd be worried if you weren't Rachel, it's going to be fine. You love each other, that's all that matters." Kim told her, a nervous worry at her brow. She knew where this was going, she knew why.

"Is it going to be ok Kim? Can it ever be?" Rachel asked.

"Oh Rachel this because of Eddie isn't it? I knew this would happen- I knew it." Kim told her in exasperation.

"I – I love Adam, you know I do... it's just seeing Eddie, well it's just that there's a lot of stuff between us..." Rachel admitted.

"Do you love him Rachel – Eddie I mean?" She asked.

"No... Yes... I don't know..." Rachel admitted in her confusion.

"Oh God... What about Adam, you_ do_ love him don't you?" Kim asked her.

"Yes, yes of course I do, it's just that I thought that things between Eddie and I were over... but then...that day I... we..." Rachel started but was interrupted by a knock at the door and then it burst open and suddenly he was there in a rush of winter...

"Rachel... I'm glad I'm not too late... I wondered what would happen if I wrote you a love letter..." He told her before anyone could make any objections...

**Hope you like it, I might have lied – It might be more like three updates x**


	25. Chapter 25

**Thanks for the reviews, I appreciate them so much... Here's the next chapter for you - the penultimate one... **

"What are you doing here Eddie?" Kim spat maliciously.

"Kim I need to talk to Rachel... please." Eddie spoke tiredly, his voice heavy with emotion.

"You had your chance to talk to her Eddie and look; she's here now ready to get married – to Adam." Kim told him, shielding a stunned Rachel from view.

"Kim you don't understand. Please... Rachel, please..." He begged the woman he loved to look at him.

Rachel was silent for a moment, a moment which lingered thickly in the air around them.

"Please... I love you; I know you love me too." Eddie tried again, desperate to side step Kim.

"She doesn't love you; she is marrying Adam because she loves him. She's moving on with her life and she doesn't need you anymore. Just go. Just let her go..." She told him.

"For Christ's sake Kim you're not her bloody mother, she's a grown woman she can make her own decisions!" Eddie shouted at her.

"I made my decision Eddie." She said in barely a whisper.

"Don't do this Rachel; please I know he doesn't make you feel like I do..." Eddie begged -the sadness on his face unbearable.

"I told you Eddie we had one night only... I made my decision, that's why I'm here." Rachel told him biting back her tears.

"You know what? I'm done fighting. If you want to do this then do it. That's fine, but I'm gone Rachel. I'm going to back to London and I won't contact you again. You told me you would love me forever and you know what? I believe you – I still do – the only lie in all of this is the one you're telling now. It's not just about me anymore – it's about the man out there waiting to be your husband. How long are you going to lie to him for?" Eddie asked her.

"Just go Eddie. Please..." Rachel said with as much coldness as she could be mustered.

"Fine. Like I said I won't stop you. But maybe you should read this first." He told her throwing a small white envelope at her feet.

"Goodbye Rachel." He told her sadly, before he left...

* * *

Rachel reached down and retrieved the envelope. It was weighted and heavy which implied that a great amount of thought had gone into it. That only upset her more – the very thought of him sitting up for hours thinking about all the ways he could write down his feelings just made her want to cry... But then Eddie had always been thoughtful.

She turned it over in her hands feeling the quality of the paper it was made from beneath her fingertips. She noticed with a semi smile the one word scrawled with a sloppy sort of carefulness across the envelope. _Rachel_. It was written in a script which suggested he was not used to writing many words, preferring instead the language of numbers. They had often joked about his 'chicken scratch' and how he would have made a good doctor... in fact she had even taken to labelling him as her 'nutty professor of mathematics' such was the extent of their humour. It was just a ghostly memory now and it filled her with sadness but somehow that rough script, that single world brought her immeasurable comfort.

She didn't like to admit that the reason why she was taking so much time to study the envelope was that she was putting off reading the contents of the actual letter – but it was true. The longer she spent decoding these peripheral messages, the further into the future the actual reading of the letter became and thus, the moment when she finished reading it and therefore lost forever was postponed. There was however one small problem – her impending wedding and the fact that by now there were barely five minutes until she was due to walk down the aisle towards Adam and her new life...

But once again, Rachel found herself wondering how she could ever hope to do that and be happy when so much of her old life had penetrated her new life. She was no longer the woman who only loved Adam, she was a woman who loved two men – the man waiting for her outside and the man who had written this letter and she was so confused. She had once again become the woman who was secretly insecure and desperate for the advice of the one man who knew how to make everything bad just disappear. She was a woman who had always known that in the end fairytales weren't real and right now it looked like she was never going to get the dream... She knew what she had to do – she had to read that letter... She couldn't marry Adam until she had... With the greatest determination, Rachel began to tear open the envelope...

"Rachel, come on we need to go – they'll all be waiting –_ Adam _will be waiting." Kim tried to distract her friend from the inevitable.

"The ceremony can't start without me Kim." Rachel told her, not really knowing what her point was – she supposed she was trying to say that they would have to wait until she ready – but she knew that there was only a certain amount of time they could or would wait and it really wasn't fair to do this to Adam but... she had to know.

"No it can't Rachel and I really think it's you who needs to remember that. Everyone else knows that this service needs the groom but it also needs the_ bride _Rachel – that's you. You'll break his heart if you do this now, is that what you want?" Kim asked her trying to keep calm, but she was unable to hide her anger.

"Of course not. I don't want to hurt him at all – I love him... it's just..." Rachel trailed off her eyes wandering to the letter again.

"You love someone else more." Kim concluded with a heavy heart.

"It's not that... I just... I need more time." Rachel tried to explain herself.

"It's Ok Rachel, it's really none of my business anyway and I won't judge you – whatever you decide, but you should know that I think you're making a mistake." Kim replied, tired of fighting.

"Kim I haven't made any decisions yet." Rachel replied desperate for her friend to understand.

"Don't you get it Rachel? You shouldn't still need to make any decisions. This is your wedding day and you should be walking down the aisle towards the man who adores you right about now. If Adam isn't what you want then there is something seriously wrong about the fact that you're standing here in a wedding dress. Just remember one thing – you were happy with Adam until _he_ came back." Kim told her.

"You don't understand Kim... Eddie... he completes me – he makes me feel like I'm a real person, not someone I don't know how to be. You're just like everyone else – you saw what I wanted you to see." Rachel replied.

"Don't do that Rachel – don't you dare do that... I've always been your friend. I know you and I know that until two weeks ago Adam was the only man you thought about, the only one you wanted. Don't ruin that and don't insult our friendship." Kim shot back hotly.

"I wish that was true Kim – but I've been thinking about Eddie the whole time I've been with Adam... I wrote him letters in a journal... for three years. So I know that these feelings I've got, they aren't stupid or unfounded and they certainly won't just go away..." Rachel told her.

"Then I don't know you at all Rachel. But I will say this – whatever you decide, Adam deserves an honest explanation. Just remember that he thinks you love him." Kim told her defeated.

"I _do _love him." Rachel told her passionately.

"I don't want to hear it Rachel – we've been over this and over this. Only you can decide." Kim told her cutting her off.

"I_ need _to read this letter Kim." Rachel replied.

"You wouldn't if you loved Adam Rachel – you'd just throw it away and never think about it again." Kim told her sadly.

"Please... Kim can you tell them I need a little more time?" Rachel begged her.

"Oh and what shall I tell them – that you're out here reading another man's "love letter"?" Kim asked her disdainfully.

"Tell them... tell Adam I've had a last minute wardrobe malfunction... I promise, I just need to read this and then I'll be ready." She told her sincerely.

"Ok, five minutes alright?" Kim told her before taking one more disapproving glance at the letter and leaving the room.

In the silence that followed Rachel's heart pounded. Had she been truthful just now – Would she be ready to marry Adam after reading this letter? She didn't know, but she had to find out.

"Ok Eddie – I'm all yours." She told the empty room as she opened the envelope...

* * *

_****...I still miss you**_  
_**I can see you in my dreams**_  
_**And I hope that**_  
_**When you read this**_  
_**Just maybe you'll remember me ...****_

_Dear Rachel..._

_I've decided not to date this letter because real love doesn't have a time limit – It lasts forever. You told me that the letters you wrote to weren't really love letters and maybe you were right. But I could feel how much you missed me and how much you loved me through them all. That doesn't matter though. Whether they were love letters or they weren't, they meant something to me and I'm really glad that you wrote them and that I eventually got to read them..._

_I'm going to write this letter to you – the real you. Not to the person I hope will be reading this and certainly not to the person you have become in my absence. This letter is for Rachel Mason – I just hope that you can still remember who that person is._

_You did two weeks ago, do you remember. You were Rachel Mason that night and I was really glad to see you. I loved you so much that night and it felt like just for a moment nothing bad had happened to us... did it feel that way to you? I don't whether it would have – It seems that time has made me forget some things about you – like the fact that you don't believe in fairytales or happy endings. But those things don't matter. They are defence mechanisms I know, and I know that I am responsible for creating them._

_I remember all the important things about you Rachel. I remember it all. I remember how to make you feel safe just by holding you, I remember how your smile lights up the rooms and illuminates my heart. I remember the first told I told you I loved you and the first time you ever said it back. That day will stay with forever and I know that it is one memory which time cannot take from me._

_I love you so much it hurts. In the two weeks since I last saw the pain of loving you has intensified and I know that is because I know that we said goodbye but I promise you I will welcome this pain for an eternity if it means I get to feel this way about you forever._

_I don't think you will ever understand how much I love you and how sorry I am that we didn't stand the test of time. If I hadn't been so stupid, I know we'd still be together now- I would have married you long before now and we would have been happy but there I go again, with all my fantastical thinking and I know how that makes you feel..._

_I've never been much good with poetry. I could never understand any of those sonnets Shakespeare wrote or the five hundred page poems of P.B. Shelley but I know that for them, it was the only way they knew to express their emotions. I wish I could say that I shared some of their romantic genius – but I can't. I could write you an equation to determine our love._

_You + me = in love forever._

_...and I could write down all the calculations to show that the equation can be proven and solidified mathematically for all of infinity but I know that numbers bore you and I wouldn't want you to think of me as 'dull as ditch water' for the rest of your life. I want you to remember me as the man you loved, once upon a time. I want you to remember me with fondness if not with love._

_I'm sitting here in my hotel room writing this letter because I don't know what else to do. I knew two weeks ago that when I got back to Rochdale, I would be home – not because it has any geographical significance to me but because the force of my love for you holds me here. It is as if you are surrounding by an unshakable invisible magnetism and I cannot survive where you are not. That is why I cannot contemplate going back to London and my cold, lonely 'penthouse'. I may be wealthy now, but my life is empty – it has no richness or fullness because you are not in it and I just wanted you to know how very important you are to me._

_I wish that two weeks ago I had been braver. That is not a feeling I have experienced for the first time. I wish I had been brave every day of our relationship because maybe then you wouldn't be marrying someone else. I wish had been brave enough to say that one more night was not enough – that I wanted you forever but I didn't._

_As usual you were wiser than me. You knew that we only had that last night together before we said goodbye. Apparently loving you was not enough and I don't know what else I could have done. You were wiser than me and you didn't let your feelings get in the way of what you knew had to happen._

_I don't really know what I was thinking of when I wrote you this letter. I know that it won't change anything, just as you must have known that the letters you wrote would not change anything, because you never gave me the chance to read them. Maybe if I had known how you felt things would have been different. But I know that you can't change the past and whilst it's not ok, it is the truth and we must both accept it. I wonder though, if our past should be allowed to affect our future. We could do this if we really tried Rachel, I know we could. If you only gave me a chance I would love you in every way possible and give you the life of happiness you so deserve. I guess a part of me just wanted to let you know these things because I am hoping that if you read this before you're married, you will have the chance to change the future, because you deserve happiness – we all do._

_I don't want to make this a sad letter, so I won't say that my heart will be broken forever if I lose you now though I fear I may have just betrayed that to you. Instead I'll say that I will be bound to you forever and I will only remember the good things. I hope you will too. I hope that when you think of me, you'll remember everything that was good about our relationship and you'll remember our last night together – you'll remember the night when you found yourself again – when you became Rachel Mason again and the night when I came home._

_I hope that above all other things whichever you decide to choose for yourself is happy and if that is not with me then I understand that and whilst I will never forget you I will always know that you made the right decision for you and that you are happy. There isn't anything else to say apart from that I love you and I will continue to do so forever._

_I love you Rachel Mason and may you never forget that._

_With all the greatest love and best wishes for the future, I leave you now in the hope that this letter helps you to move on with your life._

_Love forever,_

_Eddie xxx_

* * *

Rachel was shaking and unable to stem the flow of her tears. If this was what Eddie had gone through every time he had read her letters then she didn't know how he had lived.

The letter had been so full of love that it broke her heart. She had decided against a life with him two weeks ago and still he had forgiven her because he loved her and would love her forever.

She knew that the logic of it all was off but when had love ever been straight forward. That was its terrible beauty and she knew now what she had always known – that try as she might, she simply could not deny that she still loved Eddie Lawson and she never wanted to again. She wiped away her tears everything suddenly becoming clear.

She needed to get away from this because she couldn't do it. She couldn't marry Adam and she could not face breaking his heart, but similarly she could not face Eddie today... She simply could not do it.

She scrawled a quick note across the back on the envelope before she turned on her heel and fled...

* * *

Kim knocked on the door before entering.

"Rachel?" She called out but the only reply was silence. She stepped further into the room realising that it was empty. Oh God. What was going to happen now? She surveyed the room, noting the abandoned bouquet and veil. Oh God – had she really done it? Had she really abandoned Adam for Eddie?

It was then that she noticed the envelope, placed on the small table by the wall. She picked it up taking in Rachel's neatly flowing script:

_ Kim,_

_I can't do it. I can't do any of it. It's just too hard. I couldn't face it either way. I couldn't decide, so I'm not going to, not today. Tell Adam that I love him and I'm sorry._

_R x _

Kim noted the sinking feeling in her stomach as she realised that Rachel had walked away from her life here and God only knew where she was now...

_****And now I believe that this is fate**_  
_**'Cause baby we belong together**_  
_**I know everything is gonna be ok**_  
_**Just as long as we have each other**_  
_**Through the sunshine and through the rain**_  
_**I know that it'll last forever**_  
_**Just last night I stayed up late**_  
_**And I wrote you a love letter****_

**Hope you enjoyed the chapter - one more to go and then it's over - I think I may cry... let me know what you think xx**


	26. Chapter 26

**Thanks for all your reviews... I appreciate them so much. So here it comes, the last chapter - hope you like it sweetie xxx**

_31st December 2010... _

_***** Tell me am I insane**_  
_**I set your letter on the window pane**_  
_**I thought of you as I let it fly away and away...*****_

Fireworks exploded in the air all around her and Rachel couldn't help but shed a wistful tear for the thought of the firework display that was supposed to be happening at the venue right now, as part of the celebrations for her wedding reception.

Although the thought of her ruined wedding saddened her greatly, she could not bring herself to conclude that she had made the wrong decision in walking away before it was too late... she just didn't know what to do now. She had seen this bit in the movies a thousand times – the love triangle was exposed and the woman made her choice – she got out of the bad relationship and she found happiness with the man she really loved. But this was wholly different from those slushy 'cry into your coffee cup' sort of moments. Her relationship with Adam had not been bad, in fact she had been very happy... but it had just not been the same as her relationship with Eddie and that was the realisation she had come to today.

Besides, this was not some romantic movie and she was not some stunningly beautiful Hollywood star and the man she loved was not a typical Hollywood hunk – but that didn't matter – because this was real life and real life was never quite as perfect as one hoped it would be.

Rachel knew what happen in this movie next – after the hours she had spent wandering around in her perfect wedding gown, crying tears for the two men she had lost today, she would stumble along the pathway and see him at the end of the road – one man or the other – the one she was supposed to be with and all the bad things would just disappear. It wouldn't matter anymore because he would be there – whoever it was going to be and he'd tell her that he loved her and it didn't matter what she had done or said – he would love her forever.

Rachel found it odd that she was still uncertain about which man, which life, she wanted to be waiting at the end of the road. Naturally, everyone would assume (once they knew that she had walked out of her wedding because of Eddie's love letter) that she had chosen a life with him, but her heart was still bound to Adam and she still loved him.

Walking out of her wedding made a pretty big statement and she knew she would never be able to fully explain it to Adam. This may have been, but Rachel was under no disillusions – she knew she would eventually have to do it and she was slowly coming to terms with that.

Surely walking out of her wedding made up her mind – told her what she really wanted and yet in her fragile sensibility she was still not able to commit the realisation into words. If she did, it meant that everything she had worked so hard to create was all for nothing. If she allowed herself to be so easily swayed by the emotive language Eddie had used, then she may as well admit to herself that Rachel Mason had never died and yet she knew that she had...

Yes, this situation could certainly not be described as the perfect romantic movie and it was certainly no modern day 'rom-com'. No it was more of a classic tragedy and Rachel could not deny knowledge of her tragic flaw. It was an unwillingness to accept that anyone but Eddie could offer her happiness and this had led to her downfall, her loneliness and the imminent empty life she would lead.

She was freezing. It was snowing heavily and Rachel was wearing only the soft, light silk dress she had chosen for her marriage to Adam and this only made her feel more guilty. It had been so expensive and yet Adam had insisted that she have exactly the dress she wanted – not one which looked similar but the actual dream dress and she had loved him for that. Adam had been so kind to her, had loved her so much and yet she had still done this to him. He was God knew where probably breaking his heart over the bride he had lost and she had not even had the gumption to face up to him and tell him the truth.

Instead she was hiding away from everything she had to do – all the responsibilities and explanations here in the park and she couldn't bring herself to move. She had been wandering around it for hours mulling everything over in her mind, the pros the cons and the guilt and still she was no closer to a solution. She wondered if she would die of hypothermia if she sat here long enough. Somehow this seemed favourable to living this life of guilt and emptiness – though the thought of dying a cold, lonely death on her wedding day was not a good one. She had even considered becoming something of a Havisham. She wondered what it would be like to go back to her house and sit in her wedding dress, waiting for the wedding that had never happened and the man she had always loved forever... She just couldn't contemplate what it would be like... She couldn't imagine going back to her house – which would be so empty but so full of memories – of her relationship with Adam and the lives she had lost, that it would be unbearable... So it seemed only rational to sit here until she died... Although she really didn't want to give up on her life just yet...

There was certainly no warm light at the end of the road, or the familiar figure at the end of the street, there was only darkness and coldness and the occasional firework. She had no idea of the time though it was freezing and the darkness seemed almost too consuming – it must be late – almost approaching midnight. Soon it would be a new year and she would be destined to spend it alone...

She counted to three in her head... actually she counted backwards as she always did on New Year's Eve 3...2...1...

"Happy New Year Rachel." She whispered to herself as she got up from the bench she had been sitting on and began to walk away.

She was shocked to notice as she exited the park and walked along the pavement that she had actually got the time right – all around her she could hear the shouts of people as they wished each other well for the New Year. She imagined all the friends and all the couples among the crowds at each house party kissing as was traditional and again her heart was filled with sadness.

She walked determinedly towards... nowhere in particular savouring the soft sound of the song that was filtering through the air around her.

_*****For Auld Lang Syne, my dear,**_  
_**For Auld Lang Syne.**_  
_**We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,**_  
_**For Auld Lang Syne. *** **_

For time's gone by my dear... For time's gone by...

Rachel wept now, realising that not only had her past gone by but she had also let her future pass her by too... She had been so stupid... so indecisive... She could not stem the flow of her tears as the extent of what she had lost finally hit her. She had let go of her past and she had just given up her future. She was destined to spend the rest of her days in a loveless existence.

She mopped furiously at her tears as she reached the end of the road. She willed them away with all her might. There was no point in crying – it would achieve anything... She had been so blind in her emotion that she had not noticed that someone was striding determinedly towards her. She was so distracted that she almost barrelled straight into them.

"Whoa!" A male voice exclaimed and Rachel's eyes sprang up looking the person straight in the eye.

"Rachel... there you are..." He breathed out his relief.

* * *

She was stunned and silent – it seemed like fate. It was too impossible to be a coincidence. He gripped her tightly as if he was afraid that she would disappear into thin air.

"I've been looking for you everywhere Rachel... I had to find you..." He told her.

"Why?" She asked in barely a whisper, hardly daring to break this magical moment... Hardly daring to hope...

"To wish you a Happy New Year of course." He replied as if it was obvious.

"Well Happy New Year." She sighed disappointedly.

"Happy New Year Rachel." He replied, his voice full of optimism.

* * *

They stood there opposite each other, their chests heaving in the cold air, their steamy breaths catching the wind and mingling and all the emotion of the day finally hit them. After everything, after what she had done, he was here and that had to mean something for them.

She realised that she must look a sight – a woman wandering around in a wedding dress with her hair piled high and her makeup streaming down her face in streams. People had stared at her earlier when she had been sitting their crying her heart out and one kindly old lady had even offered her a handkerchief, but Rachel had still not been able to say the words...

_"I'm a runaway bride..." _

It sounded so obvious and it sounded so cheesy but it was the truth and it seemed so stupid now. She would never have done this before, would never have been this wildly emotional uncontrolled woman but love and life had done this to her and there was no going back...

She didn't know what to say, or what to do – she only knew that the way he was looking at her now told her that he forgave her - that maybe somewhere deep inside himself he still loved her and she was grateful for this...

"Look Rachel... I've been thinking..." He started taking hold of her hands and holding them tight. It was affectionate and perfect and she loved him for being so forgiving, so understanding.

"What have you been thinking about?" Rachel asked tentatively, afraid to hear the answer.

"Ssh... let me do the talking..." He whispered placing a solitary finger to her lips.

She felt her breath catch in the tense seconds which followed – what if this was it – the last time she would ever see him? How would she cope?

"It's New Year and I figured that all this... all this negativity should stay in 2010... I was hoping that maybe we could start again... A new start for a new year... what do you think?" He asked her, the hope burning brightly in his dark eyes.

This was it – now or never – she could seize this opportunity to start a new life or she could hold onto all the bad things and be stuck in a cold, empty life full of the ghosts of the past... She didn't even have to think about it.

"I think that I love you." She told him and that seemed to be all that was necessary to convince him that she wanted this new life with him.

She could hardly breathe as he leant close to her and brushed her lips with his.

"I think that I love you too." He agreed and just like that, with that soft sentiment... those three little words which could devastate and destroy, enchant and ensnare made Rachel soar so high she thought she may never come down.

On that winter's night on the brink of a new year full of hope and promise, Rachel started her life again...

**I wonder who she chose in the end? I thought I'd let you decide. Hope you enjoyed the chapter... let me know...**

**Love Michellex**


	27. Chapter 27

**OK, OK - I officially can't do it - I just can't... I'm too excited... I was going to be cruel and not post this chapter, but I couldn't do it, not when you've been waiting for a happy ending and I have been working on it all day so it would be a shame to waste it! So no messing around this time- this is the second part of the real two part finale to this fic and I really hope it's what you wanted. **

**Big love to everyone who has reviewed me on this, I can't believe that's it's finished. I suppose the saying goes 'all good things' though right? **

**A/N: As I have said before all lyrics used in this fic's inspiration should be credited to the wonderful Miss Leona Lewis and her song 'Love Letter' - the song just seemed to fit so I hope i have done it justice in writing this fic. **

**I would also like to thank the BBC for creating these wonderful characters and thank them for allowing me to play with them in my writing... **

**Credit must also be given to the poem 'Twas the night before Christmas' by Clement Clarke Moore...**

_Six years later... _

Rachel was enjoying a rare moment of relaxation. They didn't happen very often now, but when they came she had learned to treasure and savour them like the precious gold dust that they were.

It was Christmas Eve and the snow was falling heavily much as it had done six years ago and Rachel found herself considering everything that had happened since then. 2010 had certainly been one Hell of a year in her life and it had changed every subsequent year since...

There had been times when it seemed impossible that she would ever be anywhere close to the place she was at in her life right now and that year had certainly thrown everything into even greater doubt. But it had all worked out in the end and Rachel had never looked back. She refused to dwell on the past, she refused to be a 'should have', 'would have', 'could have' girl and so the only thing that mattered to her now was the future. One day at a time, one magical moment at a time and all the happiness in the world. She lived in the moment enjoying all the joys of her life as they came and not letting the past worry her. Of course, Rachel was still a natural worrier – she fretted over everything – from the new intake of year sevens to the pros and cons of continually renewing Stephanie Haydock's precarious contract.

But worries as they might have been, they no longer affected her ability to sleep or to relate to the people around her – because Rachel was real now. She was a real person, who just like everyone else, had a history and a past and things she wasn't proud of. She was no longer just a name on a 'new identity' form – she had substance and character and a background that people understood. She was loved and accepted by the people around her because she was honest and truthful and because she was Rachel. She was not someone she thought people wanted her to be – she was just Rachel – take her or leave her because there was nothing anyone could do to change that.

She had just finished putting the Christmas themed cookies she had baked onto a plate and poured out five glasses of milk. She felt different now, she felt content and happy and like she had another purpose in life other than to be Head Teacher of Waterloo Road. Of course, the school was still a big part of Rachel's life but now she had perspective, something she had never had before and she realised that in order to be happy she had to prioritise and she knew what was most important to her now.

Tonight she felt like something of a domestic Goddess. If someone had told her six years ago that she would be spending Christmas Eve baking cookies then she probably would have laughed in their faces – but things had changed so very much. She loaded the plate and the glasses onto a tray and took them into the living room placing them onto the coffee table. She sat down on the sofa. She was exhausted. Today had supposed to be about giving her a day of relaxation but instead she had spent the day getting everything ready for the morning. Christmas in this household was always such a special day and there was always laughter and smiles and happiness, so naturally there was a lot of preparation involved.

She picked up the book which rested on the arm of the sofa, noticing the irony it presented. Shortly she would be reading the words aloud as she had done for the past five years but for right now, they were true...

_**'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,**_

_**Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...**_

How she loved that story and the tradition it had become, but right now she just wanted to enjoy the quiet before the bedlam, the serenity before all that pent up excitement.

* * *

She closed her eyes and let this image of all those people who mattered to her fill her mind. She thought about them all the time, in the quiet moments at work and especially when she felt like everything in her professional life was falling apart. She would close her eyes and picture them and suddenly it didn't matter that she was having a terrible day because they would be there at the end of it to remind her that no matter what anyone at school said, she was loved and there would always be tomorrow. She loved them so very much that sometimes she felt like her heart would burst and all the love inside of it would pour out onto them. She was so lucky, so very blessed to have them...

Rachel was just drifting into a happy sleep when she heard the metallic banging of car doors opening and the crunching of snow under several people's feet on the driveway and suddenly sleep was forgotten and Rachel was only concerned with the people who would at any moment be walking through that door into a welcoming Christmas wonderland...

Sure even it was barely seconds before the door was opened and she could them all taking off their snow covered boots. She propped herself up against the cushions and waited for the ensuing explosion of love coming her way...

* * *

She was not disappointed, again mere seconds passed and suddenly her world was completed.

"We're home! We're home! Nanny and Granddad are here!" A little voice called out.

Rachel giggled a little before making her reply.

"I'm in here." She called and then the door was thrown open and he was there – the light of her life, her beautiful five year old son.

His face was pink with excitement and exertion and the cold and his auburn hair caught the light making it appear almost golden. His smile seemed to make the brightly lit room shine even more than it had before and she loved him so very much.

"Look, look Nanny and Granddad are here!" He repeated again excitedly.

"Yes I can see that... how are you both?" Rachel smiled as her son clambered into the space next to her and her mother and father in law took the arm chairs opposite.

"We're fine thank you Rachel dear – all the better for seeing you and how are you doing?" Her mother in law replied, a sparkle in her eye.

"I'm really great." Rachel smiled.

"We went ice skating mummy at the big rink in the park and afterwards Daddy took me for some hot chocolate because I had been a good boy and he said that because I'm getting really big I could have marshmallows and cream... and then we went to pick Nanny and Granddad up and then we came home..." Her son told her without even a single breath.

"Wow Tobes, sounds like you've had a pretty exciting day... Mummy's been making some special cookies for us but we have to wait for daddy..." Rachel trailed off.

"Where is daddy?" She mused a moment later.

"He's putting Nanny and Granddad's suitcase upstairs and then he says he's got a special surprise..." Toby replied excitedly.

"A special surprise?" Rachel asked.

"I can't tell you what it is mummy – then it wouldn't be a surprise would it?" Toby asked as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Ok... we'll just have to wait for daddy then won't we?" Rachel smiled as Toby snuggled into her.

* * *

"Mummy?" Toby asked a moment later.

"Yes sweetheart?" Rachel replied.

"Can I tell baby all about ice skating? I think 'it' wants to know all about ice skating." Toby asked.

"Do you know what? I think that sounds like a really lovely idea." Rachel smiled as she lifted her jumper slightly, exposing the bump of her stomach.

She was used to this by now. Toby liked to talk to the baby – every night after school he would hold detailed conversations with his unborn sibling about what he had done at school that day or what he thought would be a good name. Of course, this particular endeavour was slightly more difficult owing to the fact that they had decided not to find out if Rachel was carrying a boy or a girl. Toby had been most aggrieved by this – he wanted to_ know,_ he wanted to name his brother or sister and he couldn't understand why he couldn't. They had tried to explain it to him using a Christmas analogy. _'It would be like Santa bringing you your presents early – it would ruin the surprise'_, they had told him and Toby seemed happy enough with that.

* * *

Rachel startled a little as she felt both the coldness of his hands on her stomach and then the warmth of his breath as he kissed the baby hello. It wasn't long before Toby started babbling away incoherently to the baby and Rachel stroked his head. He was such a gift and she was lucky to have him in her life. He was so special – so kind and loving and he adored his parents and Rachel could not have asked for more. This new baby was just going to join in with the love and make her family complete. She loved them so much.

"Mummy- baby asked me to ask you how long it will be before it can come out and say hello?" Toby asked which really meant "_mummy Toby wants to know when the baby's coming?" _as it usually did.

"Soon Tobes I promise, we've got about four weeks to wait." Rachel told him softly and laughed as he once again took to babbling away to the baby.

* * *

"Where is your daddy hmm? We need to have these cookies and then it's off to bed because if you don't go to sleep Santa won't be able to come. It'll break the magic spell of Christmas won't it?" Rachel told him affectionately.

"I don't want Santa to miss me out – I've been a good boy." Toby replied rather desperately.

"Hey, don't you worry Santa wouldn't miss out his favourite little friend now would he?" Rachel soothed him.

"Why am I Santa's favourite?" Toby asked curiously.

"Well, because you're very special and you're always a good boy – that's why, plus you always leave him lots of cookies and you never forget Rudolph and the other reindeers do you?" Rachel replied.

"Well they must be so hungry – they have a long way to travel don't they?" Toby asked, providing ample justification for his heart of gold.

"That's why Santa loves you so much Toby – you're always so kind." Rachel smiled, proud of her son.

"I love Santa too." Toby smiled and Rachel could sense his sleepiness.

"...and I love you mummy." Toby added, giving her stomach a small kiss.

"I love you too Tobes." She told him as he nestled close to her.

* * *

They had been waiting so long that Toby had fallen asleep and had been put to bed, the Christmas cookies and the Christmas story forgotten as the child slept. Rachel was really starting to wonder where her husband had got to.

Until the door opened and was closed again and she heard those all too familiar footfalls in the hall.

"Rachel?" He called out and she called back to him. She had to wait only a minute before his head popped around the door.

"Where were you?" She asked with mildly playful accusation.

"I'm sorry I was organising a little surprise." He apologised.

"Well it had better be a good one, because you're missing out on some seriously good Christmas cookies over here." Rachel replied her tone light and forgiving.

"Well much as I regret not being here to taste the first cookie – I brought you something – we felt guilty Tobes and I... we had lots of fun today and we didn't want to leave you out... so Tobes and I got you a present – but you have to come with me first." He told her.

She looked at him uncertainly before agreeing.

"Ok... but then we have some work to do... Santa needs a little help tonight remember?" Rachel giggled as she pulled herself to her feet.

She crossed the room to him and he stroked at their baby as he leant into kiss his wife.

"Mm... Hello." She mumbled her pleasure.

"Hello." He chuckled.

He took her hand and led her up the stairs towards their bedroom. He paused for a second.

"Are you ready?" He asked her.

"Mm hmm." She replied excitedly.

"Ok, well happy Christmas Rachel." He told her as he threw open the door and she saw it.

Hanging above her bed was a large photograph of them, the happy family the three of them and the bump. It was beautiful and Rachel felt the tears welling in her eyes. He was so kind and so loving and so proud of his family and he had gotten this picture blown up and framed especially for her.

* * *

"That's not your only present you know, but you'll have to wait until Santa comes won't you? What do you think Rachel?" He asked her.

"I think that it's beautiful and I think that I really love you." She told him, catapulting them back to that moment six years ago when everything had changed for the better.

He pulled her close, so that there were barely millimetres between them before he replied.

"I love you too _Mrs. Lawson... _" He told her and just like that; Rachel knew that it was true...

_*****And now I believe that this is fate**_  
_**'Cause baby we belong together**_  
_**I know everything is gonna be ok**_  
_**Just as long as we have each other**_  
_**Through the sunshine and through the rain**_  
_**I know that it'll last forever... *** **_

_**"If I wrote you a love letter... you know I'd only make it better..."**_

~End~

**So there it is, I hope you liked it and I hope it was the ending you all wanted, I would like to say thank you yet again for all your support and reviews. **

**Much love**

**Michelle x**


	28. End

**This is just a little thing that I like to do when one of my fics ends.**

**I just wanted to say that I am really grateful to everyone who has read this from start to finish. I know that at times it has been quite confusing and at times depressing but I'm glad that you continued to read because if there's one thing that everyone should know about me it's that I'm addicted to romance and the 'happy ending'. **

**Don't get me wrong of course, I **_**am **_**a realist it's only that I believe that just because real life isn't always sunshine and roses doesn't mean that the world of 'fandom' has to end as depressingly or even as realistically – so in all my fics I will always try to give the characters a happy ending (where possible). **

**I hope that the ending of this particular fic made you smile; I know that it made me happy to write it and we all need a little happiness in our lives don't we? **

**So I will say again – thank you to everyone who took the time to read this – I have enjoyed reading your comments and writing the rest of this fic for you.**

**: -)**

**I'm sure I'll write some more Waterloo Road musings sometime soon, so if you enjoyed this fic keep an eye out... you never know when something new might appear. **

**Much love, **

_**~Michelle~ x**_


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